Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity…
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I don’t pray very often… that dwindled around the time that I lost my faith- sometime after my brother’s death, my parent’s divorce and more than my share of traumatic experiences. I left the religious schools that I spent twelve years in, and in a public university, I met new people that embraced intellect and understanding over short-sightedness and judgementalism and I learned an in-depth view of science… and that was it… the frayed threads that held my faith and kept me a “believer,” broke. I’ve tried to mend them but it’s like they dissolved…You can’t sew with thread that isn’t there. I admit that church and religion got the short hand of the deal from me because there are many good and smart people in faith communities. And there’s more than one way to embrace “belief”… but going back now is like trying to convince yourself in your 40s that the Easter bunny really does exist. And so I resolve to make peace with where I am. If a god really does exist… then he gets me… and he sees my efforts… and when I’m really in a hard spot… hopefully he still hears my lonely prayers.

Although, in these days of pandemic and personal struggle, I’ll admit that I’m praying more than I ever have. They say, “There are no atheists in foxholes.” And while I don’t believe a desperate cry for survival constitutes “faith”… I accept their point that sometimes desperation leads to the consideration of other ways of thinking, or believing. And when you have exhausted every physical and intellectual effort, and fear and doubt persist… you throw a Hail Mary because fuck it… it can’t hurt. I don’t mean any disrespect for those who treasure their faith deeply… I just sit in a different place. And I wish I had the peace and assurance that they have.

But I am working on creating that peace, that serenity, in other ways. I’m doing that through reframing negative thoughts, acceptance, prioritizing needs, working towards positive change and self-care.

So when I see frustrating things on the news- leaders who in my opinion, display complete incompetence, citizens who endanger others through selfish and ignorant means, the short availability of needed and life-saving supplies, viewpoints expressed that are completely out of balance with humanity as a whole, when I feel overwhelmed and frustrated with my own challenges, deficits and burdens and those of my patients and family, I take a deep breath and I reframe:

“They are not selfish- they are afraid.” “They don’t know any better- ignorance is their crime.” “Their challenges are different than mine.” “I am blessed to have what I have.” “However painful this is, this is a learning experience.” “Today I am here, and I am fortuned with the skills to make a difference.” “This is an opportunity for success.”

Reframing is a technique used to change the way we think, into one that sees the good in a situation, and focuses on positivity, productivity and acceptance, instead of negativity, useless rumination and defeat. When we change the way we think, we then change the way we feel and behave.

When I can’t reframe, because some realities are just that… then I swallow hard and try to accept that I cannot change other people or circumstances and that the life that I have been given, is my own and it is beautiful despite hardship. I can share my messages and shed my light, but I can’t do it expecting people to change. Nor can I let their ignorance rob me of my peace or ability to find beauty. If I let them steal my peace and contentment, then I let their contempt win and their ugliness spread.

Darkness can encroach, darkness can shadow and shade, but darkness can never win.

Then I focus on what I can control, what I can change. I prioritize what is most important for my life and what matters most to me. And my family, my wellbeing and my career sit at the top of those priorities. I can control MY family’s compliance in this pandemic. I can wear a mask and be diligent in my hand-washing and infection control practices. I can control our diet and exercise by providing as much quality produce as I can purchase/grow, be mindful of adequate water intake and use our space and the open outdoors to move when my body is able. I can meditate and practice good sleep habits to enhance the quality of my sleep as much as possible. Exercise, good nutrition and sleep will give my immune system its best fighting chance if I get sick. I can turn off the news and practice self-care activities like soaking in a tub, painting rocks, listening to music, gardening, cooking, writing and laughing and playing with my family to decrease my stress- because stress is not only a detriment to the immune system but it impacts sleep and overall wellbeing. Stress is the enemy of happiness. But serenity, is her friend.

In ordinary times, tomorrow is promised to no one. We are in a global pandemic. I hope that my good health and that of my family pulls us through, but there are no assurances. If I am to lose my life, or that of one that I hold dear, I want to have spent my last days well- knowing both that I gave us our best fighting chance… and that we embraced one another in love and quality time, all the way to the end– not fighting, not angry and stressed out, not ungrateful, not with regret.

If I die tomorrow, I want them to say “She was a warrior”– who practiced diligence and safety and risked her own life to serve others, but not recklessly. I want them to say, “She was kind”– while she spoke the truth, she didn’t put others down, she tried to see the best in every situation and she always lent a helping hand where she could. I want them to say, “She was fun.”– she was forever dancing, singing and laughing and throwing new activities and games at us. And while she might have liked wine a little bit too much and curse words may have slipped-out, both in her discontent and in her mirth… “She loved life and she loved us.” In the words of our little foster baby, I want them to say, she made “This a happy home.”

What do you want people to say about you? And how are you going to get there?

I am so very far from perfect. Stress makes me grumpy and short. I think I appologize more than I say “Thank you.” I’m loud. And it’s possible that my bluntness might offend more than it soothes. But I’m trying.

Many years ago, when I was a young, single mom in nursing school (yes my husband and I worked very hard to get where we are) and my life was one of the hardest and most complicated that it ever was, I threw a penny into a fountain. And when I did, I chose very carefully what my wish would be. Unsure of where I’d be living, desperate to graduate, provide for my baby and to make something of myself, and completely overwhelmed by how to make the very complex and at the time, difficult relationship with the love of my life work… I wished only for “Happiness.” I had no idea where my life was going to end up… but I figured I couldn’t go wrong with true happiness. And it’s been my wish in every fountain and every birthday cake since. Nothing about my life is even close to perfect, but we are happy.

In my eight grade year, I, like all good little Catholic girls, received the sacrament of Holy Confirmation. In the classes leading up to the sacrament, we learned that this made us an “adult” in the church and we learned about the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit- Wisdom, Knowledge, Right Judgement, Courage, Understanding, Reverence, and Fear of the Lord/Wonder and Awe. Caught in another very difficult time in my life, my family was divided, broken and ailing. Of those gifts, I prayed the most for Wisdom, Courage and Understanding.

Perhaps the sacrament worked after all… (Reverence and Fear of the Lord certainly weren’t ones that came through, LOL). While plagued with previous traumas, I did emerge from my most difficult experiences with fortitude, a gained perspective and a desire to understand people and their stories. I have embraced my journey in nursing and in foster care courageously and from that, have gained more wisdom and more understanding than I could’ve ever imagined. Whether or not I was gifted with these through the sacrament, they didn’t come without a hefty price.

Wisdom, I am convinced, is gained when you weather through difficult circumstances, seek to understand them and then derive from them, lessons for the future. However, with that, often comes tremendous pain. While grateful for the wisdom I have, some days it’s hard for me to believe that it was worth it. Some days, if given the choice, I would have sacrificed the wisdom, to escape the pain. But in life, we don’t often get a choice with the cards we are dealt, instead we choose only how we manage them. Understanding that, is acceptance.

This time of the year holds many anniversaries for me. As I soon enter my 38th year of life, 16th year as a mother, 15th year as a nurse, 13th year as a wife, 2nd year as a foster care provider, and day 50 of quarantine…

In these unprecedented times, I am reframing this rainy day as: one that is feeding my garden, as a gift to be alive, as an opportunity to create goodness and to make a difference, no matter how small. And when I am challenged the hardest- on the days when my face hurts and my body sweats from isolation gear and a respirator, when my patients and my family face insurmountable hurdles and the world seems to have gone mad… maybe, just maybe… this self-proclaimed non-believer, might just say a little prayer. Then she’ll take a deep breath, wipe her tears and take another step, because life, horrendously hard as it can be, was meant to be lived well. And my soul aches not for discontent… but for Serenity.

Live well friends and know that in your times of challenge, courage will push you through… and where your heart aches, scars will one day patch the pain… and with them, understanding and wisdom will accompany you.