In my life there are people that I can ignore, people that I can shrug off, people who’s opinions don’t matter. They can criticize me, make a snide or jealous remark, put me down or minimize my efforts. They can disapprove or disagree and frustrating as those people may be, their words matter very little. Because I know who I am and I won’t allow small-minded people with big egos and even bigger judgments to define me. They won’t make me cry or tear me down. They are bullies to be ignored.
As a matter of survival, the world has taught me that. You have taught me that. I’ve grown skin that’s thick like armor and learned to duck quick, so that the flying bullshit rolls off my back and doesn’t stick when it hits. Because if I cared what EVERYONE thought, ALL of the time, I’d be a useless ball of anxiety, curled up with a box of tissues and not a prayer to create my own identity.
For those people, I have built a wall to protect my heart and my spirit and by not allowing them to get close, I shield myself from their assaults. They are life’s distractions and in the big picture, they don’t matter.
And then there are people like you, people who know me from the inside, souls who reside with me in my inner-most chambers, my army who was half pre-existing and half built. Some of you have been with me from the very beginning, some were strangers that I opened my gates for and others were determined warriors who tore down my walls so that they could reach me. None of you are here by accident.
I love you. I love you tremendously.
And in order to continue loving you the way that I do, I must continue to open myself up to you, putting my heart on display so that I can love you and receive your love in return. Love requires that one take a step off the castle walls, with no harness, and trust that they will be caught. It requires persistent vulnerability. Walls and gates and chainmail, like emotional distance and mistrust, keep out love as much as they do pain. And so in removing those barriers to accept your love, I am opening myself up to the possibility of tremendous loss. And that is terrifying.
Please don’t hurt me.
I love you with no barriers. You reside behind my walls and under my armor, and because of that, you have the ability to destroy me with ease. Your actions have great consequence. And your words, unlike the people who don’t matter, carry the weight of a thousand cannon blasts. Every snide remark, every criticism, every unkind word, cuts me the way the sharp blade of a sword cuts the flesh.
Standing before you, my insides splayed open like a live dissection, your mouth is your instrument and I am begging you to chose your words and actions carefully. The fact that you hold the scalpel is an honor that I’ve willingly handed you. Please don’t abuse that honor.
“Why do you cry?”, you say.
So tough, so resilient in so many ways- A warrior in the greatest fashion. And yet one harsh word or unwarranted bout of fury from you and I crumble like an ancient stone struck by a mace. My inner child, my inner soul, my most tender components bruise so easily when the assault is at your hands.
My tears are a sign of my surrender to you. You should pray that I never stop. Because the day that your harsh words no longer bring me to tears, is the day that I strapped on my armor and started building walls again. When you no longer carry the power to destroy me, my unconditional love too, will be reflected away from you. When your anger no longer yields a response, it’s because a part of me has already died.
Know that my tears and my sensitivity are evidence of my tremendous trust that you will serve and protect me always. And I too, will always have your back.
An army relies on one another to protect. No knight, can man a castle on his own, nor does he have purpose without someone to serve. We serve one another. We carry one another. And if you are ever so lucky to be invited behind someone’s walls, I hope that you hold that honor with the greatest of importance, lest you live a life of destruction instead of love.
