Category: Life

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Ash and Red Satin….That February

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February is for lovers… Red Roses and “I love you”s.

It was today, February 1st, 22 years ago, when my father came running through the door with a panicked look I rarely saw on his typically unfettered face.

“Where’s your mother?” He was out of breath.

She had left to go pick up my little sister. It was just me … and Dad.

I don’t know if it was pain or shock, fear or a sickening confirmation of what we’d already thought (but not yet said out loud), that I saw in his eyes that day. But I can still see them, as I looked up at him in the dimly lit room, that February afternoon.

His face should have been flushed from the run but instead it was ashen.

“They found your brother. He’s … dead. He’s dead honey.”

My Dad held me and we cried for just a few short minutes and then I wiped my tears and said, “We have a lot to do.” I put my grief in my back pocket and started making the list for phone calls. It would be a long time before I really cried.

We had all thought it. He’d been missing for 10 days. We knew he was ill. We knew it was winter. We knew 10 days was a long time.

But he was a wanderer. He was untethered. And he blew where the wind took him, or the booze. Inside all of us was the hope that he’d wander back, with his sheepish grin and his black boots and chains and a quiet “I’m sorry”. And for both him and us, we wanted another chance… another hug… another “I love you.” Our hearts yearned for more time and our souls pleaded for another chance to help him.

But time and chances run out and so does luck. We buried my brother two weeks before his 18th birthday- his birth and death dates in the same month. Death by suicide, complicated by a high blood-alcohol level and a history of mental illness.

And I was forever changed.

Loss affects us all, no matter what age we are when we experience that loss. Sometimes I wonder if there’s something about experiencing a significant loss during that most vulnerable time in life, when you are old enough to understand it but before you’re mature enough to handle it, that makes a particularly profound impact on your sense of self. Like disturbing a cake when it’s no longer batter but before it’s cooked solid, do the shock waves of loss alter how you develop and who you become? The surface of my heart, lumpy now and tough in spots, tells the story of those waves and my journey in pain. Would it have been different if I had been older, or younger even? Or am I just searching for significance again?

When I learned more of my brother’s reports of psychiatric symptoms, I developed a passion and preoccupation with Mental Health. I wanted to understand and I wanted to help. Addiction too. The crazies and the addicts weren’t scary people to me…they were my brother. The geeks and the outcasts, the artists and the freaks, were endearing to me. I hated the straight-laced, popular kids and those who belittled others. I gained appreciation for oddities and a new life perspective.

But not all of my change was gain. I also lost. I lost my faith. I lost my way. And I lost friends. With his death and a crumbling structure at home, I came to learn that nothing in life was safe or predictable. Confirmed by my own fears coming to fruition and in avoidance of false hope and disappointment, I came to always expect the worst. I disdain regret. I am afraid of missed opportunities. And hope is a slippery ideal that I struggle to keep a gripe on. I learned at 14 years of age that the worst case scenario happens…and sometimes it happens to me. Prayers don’t always save people and not everyone will understand or accept your baggage.

Prior to my brother’s death, I had already come to acquire some pretty hefty emotional armor. And after it, I carried around a fucking axe and bayonet.

Some viewed me as “resilient” and others as “hardened.” It was just self-preservation. And until I found myself a safe relationship where I could finally be vulnerable and let my guard down, I rarely cried. And new losses got packed away in all the rest of my shitty-ass boxes.

But I did come out on the other side. I did survive. And now, I am conquering.

While I will forever live with the pain and regret of not being able to save my brother, I’ll be damned if I don’t go down fighting for others. I learned, through his death, that you can’t save them all, but you certainly can try. At the very least, I can try to understand others and meet them where they are- however “damaged”, however “hopeless”, however “unsalvageable” they might seem.

The ground was frozen the day we buried him. Red roses covered his casket-his favorite flower. Interspersed amongst the grandparents and cousins, coworkers and conservatives, were a gangly group of teens trying to grieve. Blue mohawks and shaved heads, chains and black boots, gathered around the casket after the family, but before it was lowered, to “have one last smoke.” And they tossed their cigarette butts into the red petals.

I think about that image sometimes, ash on red satin, and the symbolism that it holds. Beauty in death, endings and new beginnings, significance in loss, finding a way to grieve, burning pain and imperfections, scars. And my journey makes even more sense.

That February I learned how to stand in a funeral line. I learned how to smile and pretend that I was okay. I learned that everyone grieves differently. And I learned the fragility of life and the human spirit. The other lessons came later.

If February is for lovers than this February I challenge you, while you’re out picking up that bouquet and box of chocolates, to remember that love isn’t always romance and it isn’t always perfect. Love is accepting the human spirit and embracing it wherever it is. This month, reach out to someone who might be hurting. Smile at the outcasts. Stop and lend someone a hand. Check-in with that person that you know might be struggling. Make a call you’ve been avoiding.

As you live your busy life, someone around you is making a plan to end it. Someone is misunderstood. Someone is hurting behind the facade of their smile. And someone just said a very hard good-bye. You may very well never know who those people are, be kind anyways.

As I walked away from his grave, my feet crunched in the frozen grass. My head hung low and despite the crowd, I never felt so alone. Like the rose petals, on the satin surface of my heart, red-hot ash slowly burned a hole. A hole that could never be filled- like pulling a candle out of a birthday cake that would never be made. Burns always leave a scar.

Submersed now, in safety and love, the edges have healed and it no longer bleeds when you touch it. But every February, every holiday, every life event… it still throbs… to remind me to continue loving until the candles are all blown out and the petals are lowered into the ground.

 

 

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Déjà vu

Déjà vu : a feeling of recollection, a common intuitive experience, derived from the French meaning “already seen.”

Have you ever had a moment that you feel you’ve lived before?

I have…

And not just those weird random moments that pop up when you least expect them and you feel like “I’ve been here before” …

I’ve had that too, but I’m talking about a different kind of déjà vu, I’m talking about the return of a feeling brought on by the experience of someone else.

As a mother, I most often experience those feelings through the faces of my children.

Their pride, when they’ve made good grades or created something beautiful …

Their disappointment, when life doesn’t go as they expected …

Their simple excitement, when Mommy loses her mind and buys boxed Mac n cheese or sugary cereal …

Sadness with loss, Joy with positive gain, Frustration with difficulties not easily repaired.

Being a mother, is like walking down a familiar street, only the storefronts have changed and there’s lead in my boots – like I know where I need to go, but things are different and navigating is somehow harder. The price I pay for a wrong turn seems more costly now too.

Being a mother is like Déjà vu … only instead of living it, I’m watching it backwards, from inside a mirror.

But then again, you really don’t need to be a mother to recognize a felt experience through another human being. You just need to make the effort.

Holding on to memories is something that comes easily to me. Sometimes, it serves me well, filling my mind with pleasant thoughts and moments I like to revisit. And other times, my memories haunt me like a bad dream. Either way, when I take a moment, I can feel those memories as if I were there again. Whether they soothe and comfort or insight anger and anxiety, my past has left me with both good feelings and bad, beautiful tradition and reason to change. And when my children find those same feelings, watching them navigate them, brings me right back.

I remember the excitement and anticipation of cracking open a new board game and sitting down to play with my family. I remember how special it felt when an adult would play with us. My Dad was really good at playing games with us. We had a bunch of really cool board games that you can’t even find anymore. He even made a few himself. He taught us how to play cards too-poker and spades. I was so young when we started that my little fingers couldn’t even hold my whole hand. So he’d accommodate me by letting me sit at the bench that ran along the back of the table by myself so that I could lay my cards down there. We’d play for hours. And we continued to do so until we were grown.

I can feel that sense of specialness in the sly smiles of my children and that subtle little butt-wiggle that they do when they settle into their seats, about to do something fun. And it’s my own recollection of that excitement that energizes me when I really just want to sit and relax. Feeling their excitement reminds me of how good it feels to anticipate fun.

I remember the feeling of disappointment, holding that box and asking someone to play or getting an invite and asking for a ride and being told “No, I’m in the middle of something right now”, or, “I need time to myself right now.” I wasn’t a child who got invited out a whole lot, so those opportunities to play, those invitations to socialize felt like gold to me. And I remember that rejection made me feel not important. After lots of moments of not feeling important, that disappointment began to transform into burning resentment.

So when my children come to me and ask to play or ask for a ride, while it can’t always be “Yes” at that very moment, I do try to find a way; because I recognize that familiar eagerness in their eyes and the importance of participating in something that is meaningful to them. And when my ‘tired mom-self’ remembers her ‘wanting to belong child-self’, I usually find a way to make it happen. Between the sweetness of the play and the bitterness of the “No, Mom needs some time to herself,” I choose the sweetness, because as clear as I remember the joy, I also remember the pain.

I’ve experienced more loss in my life than I even care to tally. And those losses have been equally spread throughout my years. But it’s the losses I experienced as a youth, that still leave the deepest scars. Sometimes adults become very self-consumed when they are in grief and they forget that children too, grieve. Adults have it hard because they have to function and produce despite their hardships. But children have it hard too, because they don’t have mature counterparts to guide them through their grief. They don’t get flowers from co-workers or friends that call if they need to talk, and even if they did, they often don’t have the maturity to take advantage of that gift. Be it the death of a person or the death of a relationship, children often feel lost when there is a loss. I know I did- when we lost my uncle, my brother, our home, when my parents divorced, when my family was split and living in different houses…the list continues. Great-grandparents and extended family members were too far down the list to even make the cut for my childhood losses.

My children’s most significant loss was the death of their great-grandmother. I saw my daughter’s sadness the most in her drawings and her unpredictable outbursts. When I’d try to talk to her face-to-face, she could never open up. And that longing to be acknowledged, yet uncomfortable reluctance to be vulnerable, felt familiar to me. So I bought her walkie-talkies and strapped one to my pants. And I’ll be damned if in the middle of my household chores, a little voice hiding in her closet didn’t come through the speaker, “Mommy, I miss Mimi.” Like, déjà vu but backwards … cuz when I was hiding in my closet, I didn’t have a walkie-talkie or someone who I thought could listen.

I remember the angst in not having birthday parties, or even friends over, because it was “too expensive” and “too stressful”. That angst and my natural drive to create fellowship as well as creative expression, drives me to spend weeks creating the most intricate, thematic parties I could dream up. And has allowed my home to become the “hub” for children to hang-out at. Because I hated feeling alone.

Not déjà vu, but running from it maybe?

But while we didn’t have much in the way of birthday parties, my Mom did bake our birthday cake every year. We weren’t allowed in the kitchen while she was preparing it, to preserve the element of surprise. And when I close my eyes, I can still see the darkened room and the lighted candles and I can feel that satisfying and warm sense of pride and love that came with watching my Mom carry her creation from the kitchen- a cake that I knew she had spent hours making just for me.

On busy birthdays, my husband will often suggest, “Why don’t you just buy a cake this year?” … “I can’t”, I say. I can buy the decorations and the goody bags and the even the cookies, but not the cake. Because it’s the same pride and love blazing in my children’s eyes when they see me enter the room with their cake and lighted candles that drives me to create, year after year. And together we suck the icing off the candles like the sweet taste of déjà vu.

When my daughter comes running to me, crying about a boy… I feel that sharp, stabbing pain that comes with young love. And I try to say to her, what I wished someone had told me. Maybe it would have saved me?…Or maybe it’s just me, trying to soothe my own ache…rub away my own déjà vu.

And when she comes home with ridiculously long fake nails, that look like claws, or way too much make-up, it takes a minute longer for the surprise to wear off and the old remembered feelings to kick in, but eventually they do. And I feel what it’s like to try to bridge that gap between being a girl and a woman, when so much of your sense of worth is tied to your looks. Life as a teenager was all about selfish excess, I remember.

When my son is being bullied, ’cause he’s small or not tough enough, the hateful rejection from the rich, snobby-ass kids in my childhood school, comes searing back like a big ‘ol “You’re not good enough” smack in the face. And after I bang out the e-mail to the principle, I wipe away that single, not-good-enough tear from my own eye, along with his. That painful sting of déjà vu.

It’s the squirmy, uncomfortable feeling of sex education that I saw in my own babes that made me want to squirm too, but also drove me to run in a different direction. And instead of an awkward, one way, face to face instructional, we took a really long and animated walk in which my arms became fallopian tubes and ejaculation looked like a rocket ship and consent and pleasure carried just as much weight as procreation. Another episode of déjà vu, dodged.

I know that I’m a good Mom, these times I have done well. But there are many more times that I struggle to empathize with my children’s hardships, because their lives are so very different than mine was. The old “You kids don’t even know “hard!” tends to come out more than I’d like. Their stressors, their fears are on such a different scale than mine were at their ages. And it’s hard not to roll my eyes when they’re crying about a luxury that I wouldn’t have even dreamed of.

But if I take a moment and I try to remember, those old memories packed with old feelings, come rushing back all over again. And it’s those emotion-filled memories that have both fueled me to continue loved traditions and practices and to change the things that hurt me; using my history to learn and create caution instead of repetition and taking every opportunity I can to gain perspective.

But am I too accommodating? Am I making them too soft? Are household chores, rules with consequences and hard-knocks at school enough to prepare them for life, if Mommy is always there to wipe their tears and home is always secure. These are the thoughts that people who have grown up hard and fast have.

Despite my concerns, frustrations and episodes of apathy, I am reminded that this is exactly the life I wanted for them. This is what I worked for. My life experiences gave me the wisdom and the inertia to make this journey, right here, like this, so that they would have a different life. And life is hard enough, home doesn’t have to be.

According to Psychology today, déjà vu “involves having that feeling of knowing in a situation in which you are experiencing something totally new.” My children’s lives are something new. They are not mine. My recollections, my feelings, those may feel like something lived before, but what’s happening right now, is totally new. Déjà vu can’t claim that. Despite both the sweet similarities and the traumatic flash-backs, despite genetics and behavioral cycles, this life is new. And there’s something about that, that lessens the amounts of lead in my boots.

With a whole lot of hard work, and a little luck…I’m living a fucking fairytale…a slightly fractured, little bit bumpy, imperfectly perfect tale…but a fairytale nonetheless. And there’s nothing déjà vu about that…but then again, I never really liked that feeling of déjà vu anyway, it was always a little bit unsettling.

 

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The Power of Words: A Letter to the One I Love

In my life there are people that I can ignore, people that I can shrug off, people who’s opinions don’t matter. They can criticize me, make a snide or jealous remark, put me down or minimize my efforts. They can disapprove or disagree and frustrating as those people may be, their words matter very little. Because I know who I am and I won’t allow small-minded people with big egos and even bigger judgments to define me. They won’t make me cry or tear me down. They are bullies to be ignored.

As a matter of survival, the world has taught me that. You have taught me that. I’ve grown skin that’s thick like armor and learned to duck quick, so that the flying bullshit rolls off my back and doesn’t stick when it hits. Because if I cared what EVERYONE thought, ALL of the time, I’d be a useless ball of anxiety, curled up with a box of tissues and not a prayer to create my own identity.

For those people, I have built a wall to protect my heart and my spirit and by not allowing them to get close, I shield myself from their assaults. They are life’s distractions and in the big picture, they don’t matter.

And then there are people like you, people who know me from the inside, souls who reside with me in my inner-most chambers, my army who was half pre-existing and half built. Some of you have been with me from the very beginning, some were strangers that I opened my gates for and others were determined warriors who tore down my walls so that they could reach me. None of you are here by accident.

I love you. I love you tremendously.

And in order to continue loving you the way that I do, I must continue to open myself up to you, putting my heart on display so that I can love you and receive your love in return. Love requires that one take a step off the castle walls, with no harness, and trust that they will be caught. It requires persistent vulnerability. Walls and gates and chainmail, like emotional distance and mistrust, keep out love as much as they do pain. And so in removing those barriers to accept your love, I am opening myself up to the possibility of tremendous loss. And that is terrifying.

Please don’t hurt me.

I love you with no barriers. You reside behind my walls and under my armor, and because of that, you have the ability to destroy me with ease. Your actions have great consequence. And your words, unlike the people who don’t matter, carry the weight of a thousand cannon blasts. Every snide remark, every criticism, every unkind word, cuts me the way the sharp blade of a sword cuts the flesh.

Standing before you, my insides splayed open like a live dissection, your mouth is your instrument and I am begging you to chose your words and actions carefully. The fact that you hold the scalpel is an honor that I’ve willingly handed you. Please don’t abuse that honor.

“Why do you cry?”,  you say.

So tough, so resilient in so many ways- A warrior in the greatest fashion. And yet one harsh word or unwarranted bout of fury from you and I crumble like an ancient stone struck by a mace. My inner child, my inner soul, my most tender components bruise so easily when the assault is at your hands.

My tears are a sign of my surrender to you. You should pray that I never stop. Because the day that your harsh words no longer bring me to tears, is the day that I strapped on my armor and started building walls again. When you no longer carry the power to destroy me, my unconditional love too, will be reflected away from you. When your anger no longer yields a response, it’s because a part of me has already died.

Know that my tears and my sensitivity are evidence of my tremendous trust that you will serve and protect me always. And I too, will always have your back.

An army relies on one another to protect. No knight, can man a castle on his own, nor does he have purpose without someone to serve. We serve one another. We carry one another. And if you are ever so lucky to be invited behind someone’s walls, I hope that you hold that honor with the greatest of importance, lest you live a life of destruction instead of love.

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A Lesson on Pie

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All of my upbringing, every Thanksgiving, my mother always insisted on Mrs. Smith’s pies, while my father’s side of the family (with whom we celebrated the most – due to locale and numbers), had a kitchen counter that teemed with homemade baked goods. Six to eight pumpkin pies and another eight to ten of the others were standard for our rowdy brood. The task was usually split between two or more of my aunts and it was a multi-day affair- baking all those pies, along with everything else. My grandmother made the stuffing and the rolls…often times in a clean trash bag…that’s how big a brood we are.

We usually brought fruit salad. And every year I always commented on and admired my aunts’ baking skills. “Start with pumpkin,” they’d tell me, “That’s the easiest.” But pumpkin, my mother told me, was ‘impossible’. “I tried to make a pumpkin pie from scratch one year and it turned out terrible”, she’d say. Over and over, she’d retell that story about the pumpkin pie that didn’t turn out. And every year, I’d follow her lead and neglect to bake any pies. For fear of failure, for fear of “I told you so,” for fear of not measuring up to someone else’s talent, I avoided a task that I so admired in others.

And then I spent a Thanksgiving alone-just me and my then-boyfriend and our new baby. And without the watchful eyes of others, without the pressure of an owed contribution, I decided to bake my own, homemade pumpkin pie. And every step of the way, I anticipated failure. My boyfriend didn’t even like pumpkin pie. And regardless, he wasn’t a baker himself and he loved me. So I had nothing to lose- no one to let down, but myself.

It seemed too easy. I must’ve done something wrong. Surely, it wouldn’t turn out. Through my mother’s experience, I knew my lack of success was inevitable. Here, in our humble little apartment, no one would know when I failed and I would be able to tell myself that “I tried.”

Only it did turn out. It was perfect. There was nothing difficult or extraordinary about it…except for my own insecurities.

And I realized that day, that for 22 years, I had allowed one person’s singular experience to dissuade me from even trying something that I enjoyed. I had allowed someone, through their own fears and insecurities, to instill in me that same uncertainty and self-doubt.

Fast forward fourteen years….

Yesterday, my daughter (that same baby in the apartment, now an ambitious yet self-doubting young woman herself), said that she wanted to make a pecan pie. It was a Thanksgiving item I’d never even attempted. I make the corn pudding, cheesecakes and cranberry relish, never the pecan pies. But I sure as hell wasn’t going to dissuade her from her own desires to accomplish and contribute. Nor did I reveal my lack of experience or uncertainty. I added her ingredients to the shopping list and called her when the oven was free.

And then I left her to create. I needed her victory to be all her own. She’d come to me of course, to ask about doubling a measurement and rolling the dough out thin enough. And lord knows the kitchen told the story of a 14 year old who was baking that evening… But she did it! And even though, there will be other pecan pies on the counter tonight, that pie will be hers. She will carry the pride of accomplishment and contribution this Thanksgiving and in her life. And not just because of a pie, I hope; but because of many opportunities taken, not discouraged.

I’m 36 now. I’m accomplished in both life and profession. I am intelligent and creative, resilient and brave. But I am still struggling to overcome self-doubt and fear of failing, especially when that fear originates in the experiences of others who are close to me. I hope that my self- awareness leads to growth in this area.

So on this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for learned experiences, a disruption in unhealthy life cycles, for the encouragement of others and the opportunity to try.

Whether this holiday finds you surrounded by large numbers of family, food and chaos or whether it’s a quiet day of reflection, with a few signature dishes on your grandmothers tablecloth, I hope that you take a chance today. Be it a recipe or a phone call you’ve been avoiding, an invite or an offer you’re tempted to decline. Success comes only to those willing to take a chance and failure is only failure when we neglect to try. May the experiences of others inspire not discourage you and may your own demons be silenced by your inner strength.

Happy Thanksgiving from Life Liberty and a Little Bit of Libations!

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This not so random day in October

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Her wrinkled hands hold back the curtains and she stands and stares as the colored leaves once again begin to fall…and she remembers his face, on this not so random day in October.

She takes her morning walk, like she does every morning. But today, in the crisp air, her gaze is distracted and her pace is a little slower. She still stops for coffee at Betty Lou’s, but today, she’s a little quieter. “You look tired, my dear,” her friend takes note. A nod and a small, forced smile is her only reply. She finishes her walk home and notices the middle-aged man helping his elderly parent out of the car. The old mother once again feels that dull ache, on this chilly, not so random day in October.

Clearing out her office, before the winter weather begins again, before she’s too old to enjoy living, before time robs her of what is left, she begins to fill her empty box. The pictures and the diplomas that once hung on busy walls, leave lonely nails in their place. In her perfectly manicured hands, she holds the frame of a photo that makes her pause. It wasn’t the employee of the year award or the doctorate degree, but a single photo with a silent sign that only she could see. She strokes her silver hair and is lost in thought as she stops to reflect. 30 years at the same office, and no one ever noticed that she always requested vacation, every year, on this not so random day in October.

What a beautiful wedding! Bright orange and yellow mums and sweet little acorns on the tables, the sign of new beginnings. The band plays and the people dance and young love fills the air. And as happy as she is for the perfect match…when the beaming groom takes his mother’s hand….the music seems to quiet and the twinkling lights stop. In her world, time stands still and a small tear sneaks past the tiny wrinkles around her eye. With a smile on her face, her heart still longs for him, on this festive, not so random day in October.

Raking the leaves, it’s best to keep busy.  There’s too much to do, to sit and wait. But her mind is full and she wonders when this day will stop being hard. A butterfly lands on the bush beside her, a rare sight this time of year. The orange and black wings beat ever so slowly and her efforts to be productive are paused. “You’d be a senior this year…” she says… and she stops to imagine how his dark hair would’ve come in. I wonder if he had my brown eyes or his Dad’s blues…Would he be a football star? Or a science geek? Homecoming, Prom and Graduation are daunting days ahead that she dreads. And once again, she feels robbed, on this chilly, not so random day in October.

Readying the decorations, she plops two new mums on the front porch and dusts off the old wreath. This is never her favorite time of year, but deception is easier than explaining. Despite her pain, she tries to make the house look welcoming. Halloween will be coming and the kids will be in costume. She wonders what he would’ve wanted to be… A super hero perhaps, or maybe a fire fighter? She can’t decide if the trick or treaters and the bowl of candy she reluctantly empties into their pillow cases is soothing reassurance or a stabbing betrayal. She turns off the phone and sits alone, hot cider in hand, wondering if it will ever get easier… this painful, not so random day in October.

Today she wants to be alone. The little energy she has, she reserves for self care and reflection-there is none left for small talk or busy work. The house is too quiet, so she goes to the trees to be one with her thoughts. Somewhere along the paved path, the painstaking sound of pittering feet come running towards her. Two little red shoes chase a round blue ball and she wants so badly to look and smile; but the reality of her loss averts her eyes. Quickly she runs to the car and back to the house. She buries her head in her pillow and then reaches for his box. Tonight, she’ll lay with his blanket and her heart’s exhaustion will lull her to sleep, on this sorrowful, not so random day in October.

The empty crib was the worst…or was it the look on the doctor’s face when she did the ultrasound? No…no those weren’t the worst…It was the quiet of the room. Yes! That awful, awful quiet when he was born, that, was the worst…the deafening silence when all of her hopes and dreams came crashing into a lifeless little lump wrapped in a blue blanket…and her wails filled the space that his cries should have. Breathing is hard right now. Living is hard right now. Mothering is hard right now. As night falls, her exhausted body collapses into a restless slumber and she is sure that she will never, ever recover, from this horrible, nightmare of a day in October.

It’s the lifetime achievements, the milestones and the memories that she’ll never get. It’s the love that she gave, the laughter that she missed and the heartache that is never ending. It’s the name that no one will say for fear of upsetting her and the name that she whispers every night in her dreams. It’s the face only she stroked and the feet only she kissed. The tears that she cries alone and the story that she hates that she knows.

And it’s the lessons that she’s learned and the hands that she’s held…the tears that she has wiped and the ways that she has understood…it’s the tiny gowns that she has sewn and the meals that she has made…it’s the presence that she is and the changes she has made, for every parent who shares her pain…All done in her son’s name.

Opening the box once more, her wrinkled hands carry the tattered blue blanket back to her chair. And she rubs the soft threads between her smooth finger tips as she nods off into a peaceful slumber. And another leaf falls.

“Momma,” she hears…

Dark brown hair and his father’s crystal blue eyes meet hers…and right away, she knows. She whispers his name and he smiles a smile that she has waited a lifetime to see. “I have so much to tell you….,” he says. And tears of joy stream down her face. Hand in hand they walk into the light, mother and son, together again, on this beautiful, not at all random, day in October.

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Another Lesson in Adaptability

Those who know me and/or follow this blog closely know that my family and I are avid road-trippers. Wanna know more about road tripping…check out this post!https://lifelibertyandlibations.com/2017/09/07/looking-for-adventure-10-reasons-to-take-a-road-trip/

Some years ago, my husband and I established the goal of taking our children to all 50 US states. With only about 6 years of working towards this goal and over half of the states checked-off, we are well on our way to reaching our goal before our oldest refuses to travel with us anymore. This year was a bucket list destination of Niagara Falls combined with 7 new states in the upper-Midwest. Taking on the open road and traveling to new places is always full of lessons and new experiences and every trip changes us in some way.

This year’s trip, which covered the US and Canadian regions around Niagara, and our new states- MI (both peninsulas), WI, MN, IA, IL, IN, and OH before returning home, was wonderful and full of great adventure and amazing sights! I wouldn’t take any part of it back. The areas surrounding the Great Lakes were breathtaking and the National Parks there (Pictured Rocks, Sleeping Bear Dunes and Apostle Islands) are true spectacles of mother nature’s power and beauty. That being said, temps were unseasonably cold for much of the area we covered, we tent-camped half of it and the mere feat of covering a total of 9 states in 15 days was exhausting.

I should note that my husband and I both come from coastal areas (different countries, different oceans … but coastal nonetheless). So for us, no summer is complete without a suntan and some quality, lazy beach time. While we loved our adventure in the cooler, northern regions, we missed the warm, sandy beaches that we associate with “our summer”. (Sorry Michigan, that icy water, whilst gorgeous, just didn’t quite quench our thirst for the “beach”).

So, when our timeshare company informed us of a “bonus week” that was close to expiring AND there was availability in our favorite Florida gulf coast town … it seemed serendipitously perfect! Despite the fact that it was an 18 hr drive from home and we only had 5 of the 7 days available, we knew we needed it! We have been working so hard and knew that this would be the perfect summer wrap-up.

And then the news came of the Red Tide, an absolutely tragic (and apparently recurrent) ecological disaster, that left our favorite beaches littered with dead marine life and toxic fumes in the air. We were so bummed! We had worn ourselves out with work (and adventures) and were so looking forward to just parking ourselves on the beach and doing nothing but swimming, sleeping and some lazy fishing. The daily reports of beaches that reeked of rotting fish, waters that caused skin irritations, air that led to respiratory irritations and increased hospitalizations, not to mention marine life that was not only unsafe to eat, but devastatingly being wiped-out by a human-induced algal bloom, hurt our hearts. We weren’t even sure we’d be able to step out of our beach-side resort without getting sick.

We stalked every website and laboratory report for two weeks. What my husband and I have dubbed our “most favorite place”, looked apocalyptic along its shores! The normally lively beaches were devoid of humans, except those who were part of the clean-up effort. And with so many cancelled reservations, local businesses were struggling to stay afloat.

But our last-minute reservation was un-exchangeable and non-refundable. Cancelling the trip meant taking a loss. And staying home, meant I’d just be working again. My soul needed a break … and I knew my family did too.

Watching the daily reports, conditions seemed to be mildly improving. So, we went-a decision that we made just the day before we left. And when people asked me “Why?” Why we were still driving 18 hours for a beach that we might not be able to sit on and a resort we might have to turn around and walk away from? … My response was: ” I have to try.” I knew our souls needed the break … so I had to try.

And when we arrived, it wasn’t the same beach we had come to love over the last 8 years. The pelicans weren’t diving. The conchs weren’t crawling. There were no dolphin fins dipping in the distance or manatees in the low grassy waters. There was enough dead fish on the beach that the flies were having a feast and a short stroll was about all that was enjoyable. And when the wind picked up in the right direction, you could smell the decay. No beach chairs this time. We didn’t bother bringing our fishing gear either-it didn’t seem fair to assault the marine population any further. We knew better than to get into the water too. Not to mention, the last hurricane had changed the landscape and the powdery white sand was full of shells that the storm had turned up.

But the air quality had improved and we could still enjoy the pool without any smell or effects. Despite the absence of ocean water, a bathing suit was still my uniform that week. The egrets still fished in the near-by lagoon. Sandals worked just fine to protect our feet when we took our morning beach walks.  And locals had built a shell-shrine of sorts where our favorite driftwood “Christmas tree” was reduced to a small stick in the sand. So instead of keeping our shells this year, we used our treasures to add to the shrine. The weather was still wonderfully warm and the humidity soothed our joints. The room, whilst modest, had an amazing view of the gulf with a big screened porch and it was a lovely escape from home. And the sunsets were the best on the planet, as always. And even though I traded my ocean-side beach chair for a pool-side lounge chair, there was still a cold drink in my hand and the absence of hard work or complicated thoughts.

I was glad we went.

We met new friends too; locals, who played games with us under the shelter of the bar when the afternoon storms rolled by and who will be a great asset when my husband and I start looking for retirement real-estate. And we decided to break up the drive home, by leaving the beach a day earlier and adding a stop to see my out-of-state sister. Kissing the faces of my nieces is therapy in and of itself. Oh, and the bald eagle that my husband was hell-bent on seeing in the Midwest, but disappointingly never spotted … soared, low and slow in the afternoons overhead, while we sat poolside.

I am a planner. Every day I have a check list. Every road trip has a daily typed itinerary and every restaurant and attraction has been researched and scoured for reviews. And I swear by my system because it never leaves us wondering what to do. We never leave an area disappointed that we missed-out and we rarely experience a bad eat. I love active and adventurous vacations. Until I need a break anyway. Until my body and my mind get so tired that it spills into my soul. And my family feels it too. Then, it’s time to go sit by the beach.

This time, with no itinerary and reviews, in the form of headline news, that I didn’t ask to read, the reports were horrible. But like I said in the beginning, every trip teaches a lesson and changes us in some way. This trip was a lesson in adaptability. As a mother and a nurse, I know how to adapt. But this was vacation … and a favorite spot to boot! In my mind’s eye, I had already written how it was going to be-and deviating from that plan was hard. It was kind of like going to your favorite restaurant and finding out they’re sold out of your favorite dish. Only this was a 5 day experience and a 36 hour round trip.

Nonetheless, I learned … again … that life is never stagnant. It requires that we always be willing to adapt, lest we miss-out for fear of change. And disappointment, whilst inevitable to some degree, is largely controlled by our own mindset and expectations. We can lessen our disappointments by searching for the goodness in something. I also learned to listen to my soul and to always, always try. A lack of trying due to fear of failure or disappointment becomes the death of the soul. Once again, I learned, once again, I was changed.

It was a surprise bonus week and a historically terrible algal bloom that wrote the lesson this time…wonder what life has waiting for me tomorrow.

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Guest blog: “I may be Asian, but I’m not your Christmas Chinaware” By Abbie Pfau

It is with great honor that I post my first guest blog. The writer is both talented and intelligent, witty and kind. She is gorgeous and current and she just so happens to be my little cousin. I give you Abbie Pfau:

My mom always said that when I was a girl, my joy was infectious, but as a woman my wit has become deadly. Through 9 surgeries, a month of paralysis, and 23 years as an adopted, differently-abled individual, I’ve learned that I don’t have to be so dichotomous. Instead, I’ve set out to try and use both the wit and the joy to share a point-of-view as someone who’s just trying to make it through every open door in life, without having to press the “handicap accessible” button. After all, who has the patience for that?

I never do.

Always be graceful, but don’t be afraid to be reckless…

Abbie

Photo credits: http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-09-23-1443029669-9258368-Dollarphotoclub_75515307.jpg

I May be Asian, but I’m Not Your Christmas Chinaware

            “Abbie Pfau, get over here right now and give me a hug. You’re not actually crippled.” The moment those words left my friend’s mouth and traveled across the high school piazza, a couple hundred confused faces turned to stare in horror. I picked up my crutches and traversed through a sea of people, hopping over bodies and laughing with her as we enjoyed the uproar she had just caused. All of those poor bystanders had thought they had just witnessed the biggest display of rudeness against a disabled woman, but what they don’t know is that it was actually a great compliment. On the contrary, it was their horrified faces that conveyed the unintentional insult. They all actually thought I was crippled.

I have crutches, so I must be broken. I am broken, so I must need help with everything.

It’s a very common misconception, so please, don’t feel bad if you’ve made this mistake. I understand the logic; everyone’s trying to make life easier, and truthfully, my condition does make certain things like carrying heavy objects and bending over to pick my clothes off the floor a bit of a struggle. If I’m being honest, I’m in some degree of pain every day, even when I go to sleep. But nothing hurts more than people’s (un)conscious discrimination against my ability. Most of the time, able-bodied people don’t realize they do it, because to them it feels like they’re being considerate and inclusive. However, there’s nothing that feels more exclusive than when someone tells my boyfriend he shouldn’t make me go on a hike with him. There’s nothing kind or helpful about scowling at my family for expecting me to wash my own dishes. Someone isn’t doing me any favors or any justice by sneering at my friends for laughing with me after I’ve gloriously “McFallen” in a McDonalds. There is this overpowering belief that my family, friends, and significant-other should never “make me” work. They should never “make me” get up to let the dog in. They should never “make me” go out and have adventures that would require any physical activity…because it might hurt. My fragile self might break, just like Humpty Dumpty.

There’s an important lesson to be learned from Humpty Dumpty though. He spent most of his story just sitting on a wall…and he still broke. I spent a month of my life paralyzed from the waist down, unable to do anything for myself. I couldn’t get up to go to the restroom by myself. I couldn’t take a shower by myself. I couldn’t even roll over in bed while I slept without someone’s help. Nevertheless, with determination and resilience, I worked through the pain and regained my physical independence. That would have been nearly impossible without the help of people I love; they always pushed me to work harder, to be better, and to live life fully – and living fully doesn’t mean needing someone to do everything for me.

After my back surgery and paralysis, I wasn’t allowed to bend my spine, which created a great deal of difficulty in my daily life. My parents have a very deep top-loading washer; nevertheless, they still expected me to do my own laundry, so I figured it out. My loved ones are all very active; they love to be adventurous and go hiking, skiing, boating, swimming, traveling, biking, etc. Never intending to watch them from the sidelines, I’ve learned to adapt. Sure, it might take me longer to bike the trails or climb the hills, but it certainly won’t stop me. My bones might ache when I stand up to answer the door or bring in the groceries, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be expected to do it. My body might be in pain, but that doesn’t mean my life has to suffer. I may be disabled, but that doesn’t mean I’m dead. I’ve been given a life to experience, live, and love. I refuse to spend my days sitting on a wall waiting to break and expecting all of the King’s men to put me back together again.

I know I look like an innocent, dainty piece of china that you have to protect and lock away in your cabinet. However, the truth is, I – and the multitude of other differently-abled individuals around the world – am stronger than you know. Our fragile, eggshell bodies have held the weight of an adversity that most cannot fathom, but they never break under the weight. So please, don’t be afraid for us. Don’t make excuses for us. Don’t expect less from us. Don’t lock us away and do everything for us. Help us be the best we can by pushing us to be more than we seem, because the only disability in life is being enabled to the point of not experiencing all it has to offer – even, and perhaps most importantly, the challenges it holds. If we didn’t want the challenge, we would’ve let you know.

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Finding fulfillment in the life you’ve been given, not the life you dreamed of…

I always thought I’d be a mother….

I figured I’d be married by now….

I thought he was the man of my dreams….

I never thought I’d end up a single parent….

I wish I had gone to medical school….

I should have followed my dreams, not the money….

My relationship with my parent(s) is toxic….

I’m the only one left in my family….

I’ve never owned my own home….

It was the house of our dreams, and then we lost it….

The diagnosis changed everything….

I don’t like my kid….

When I held my little baby, I never thought she would end up like this….

The stories of regret and broken hearts and a life that is very much not what you dreamed it would be, are as rampant as the perfectly projected ones that wallpaper social media. Scrolling down the endless pages of people’s lifetime posts, we allow ourselves to believe that everyone else’s life is just how they dreamed it would be. Chubby happy faces, world travels, solid marriages, beautiful homes, work and life accomplishments abound…and while we stand there and hold our bag of regrets and disappointments, we fool ourselves into thinking that everyone else has gotten everything that they ever dreamed of. And no matter how many gratitude lists we make, when someone else is living a reality that we wish we had, we carry some level of grief or jealousy or longing.

I know, because I carry quite a heavy bag myself.

I wrote a post two nurses’ weeks ago called the Blessing of Nursing:

The Blessing of Nursing

And in that post, I talked about taking the opportunity to hear people’s stories. I’ve made a habit of this. And I’ve also tried to develop a relationship of trust amongst other humans and to allow myself to be a safe place for people to come to, without fear of judgment or betrayal. Through them, I’ve heard even more stories. And what I have learned in all of these stories, is that despite what we all seem to believe, hardly anyone is living the life they dreamed of and no one is immune to struggle. There is always some sort of caveat, something that didn’t go the way they planned; and no matter how grateful you are for what you have, those losses are still a thorn in our side. And when we see them in others, we are reminded of what we don’t have.

You’re 40 and still single. You thought for sure you’d be married by now. And you don’t know where you went wrong or why you haven’t found your mate. She has a husband she adores and just the cutest kids. It’s the life you always dreamed of. But behind closed doors, finances are so tight, their debt is only rising. Your apartment if perfectly adorned with treasures you’ve collected from around the globe and she wishes she could just take a summer vacation. She’s never even been outside the country and the stress of their finances is a constant strain on their marriage. While she wouldn’t trade her family for the world, the pictures of everyone else’s travels make her itch for adventure and  wonder what would have happened if she had waited a little bit to settle down.

Your grays are coming in heavy and you’re not even sure you own a single piece of clothing that doesn’t have a stain or a hole. Sometimes taking a shower and getting dressed is your greatest accomplishment. Sticky hand prints and spilled drinks surround you and its a daily prayer for just 5 minutes of quiet from the chaos that constantly surrounds you. Being a Mom is sooo much harder than you thought it would be! Her hair is always perfectly colored and her nails are always done. Her house is always clean and the décor is impeccable. And when people ask her if she’s going to have kids, she gives a smile that fools them all into thinking that she’s perfectly content in her quiet and organized life. But silently, she’s been living a 5 year nightmare with infertility. And she’d give it all away … the highlights, the manicures and the cookie-cutter cottage just to hold a child of her own.

Your marriage is constant work and whether its because your husband is tired or works a lot or simply isn’t interested in taking walks, you see the movie-star couple who always do everything together and you wish that just one afternoon, he’d get off the couch or come home early and sit on the porch or take a stroll with you. But that confident and forever hand-holding couple have a secret. Despite her rockstar figure, she struggles with a poor self-image and he’s already strayed from the marriage. Their apparent closeness is really insecurity, fear and an attempt to control, all put under a public guise for perfection.

You’re 35 and wonder if you and your Mom will ever be close. Whether it was because of addiction, abuse, her controlling and difficult personality, or your own feeling that you could never measure up, when you hear other women say, “I don’t know what I’d do without my Mom”, you can’t relate. “There’s nothing like Momma’s cooking!” has never applied to your life and you have always had to hire a babysitter. But other women have come into your life to at least give you some motherly advice and support. And maybe, your girlfriend’s mother who is so wonderfully supportive and takes the kids and cooks, does so because her son or daughter-in-law is unreliable. And her apparent doting is compensation for fear of neglect of her grandchildren.

You were the basketball star growing up and the day your son/daughter was born, you dreamed of teaching him to shoot hoops. And then he stopped meeting his milestones and a lifelong disability presented itself that would inhibit him from ever walking much less running the court. And when your friend comes bitching about running the kids around to practice 3 days a week, your heart aches for the opportunity. But their kid has a paralyzing mental illness that they hide from the world because it doesn’t look good when a jockey has a therapist. And 20 years from now, when all of that comes crashing to an end, you’re wheelchair bound rockstar is gonna be changing the world with his inspirational speeches or formulas for NASA.

Maybe their perfect house, isn’t a happy home….

Maybe one’s world travels are a distraction from the pain….

Maybe that new car was bought with a loved one’s life insurance…

Maybe her perfect kid is fighting a battle even you’d run away from….

Maybe their money came with a price you’re not willing to pay….

Maybe she smiles so that she doesn’t cry.

Sitting on the beds of drug addicts and prisoners has allowed me a gained perspective and empathy and an ability to shed the judgment that I once carried. But learning the struggles of the everyday people I know, who seem to have the most perfectly put-together lives has allowed me to realize that I’m not the only one living with disappointment. And oftentimes, those who have what I am mourning the most, are themselves, lacking the thing I hold dearest. And watching the ebbs and flows of other people’s lives has reminded me that like the tides of the ocean, nothing is promised for forever, and I must hold tight to the things I cherish and be willing to let go of the dreams that were never mine to hold.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the inspirational quote: “Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” But what if we took that a step further and in addition to being kind to others, we develop an introspective view and be kind to ourselves.

We all make choices. And with every choice, there are consequences. But sometimes in life, things happen that are completely out of our control. And when those things rip our dreams out of our arms, after we grieve their loss, we must pick our heads back up and regain control of our life, however that life is going to be. A life that is void of the things we once dreamed of, can still be fulfilling. But we must find a way to make it so. If we never take our blinders off, we’ll never see all the other paths around us and the wonders that they can lead us to. If we never let go of the loss, we can never learn to love again. And if we never accept alterations in our plans, we will never relish the new opportunities of our current life.

So the next time you get frustrated that things haven’t quite worked out of the way you would’ve liked, wipe your tears and tell yourself that there is a wonderful life ahead of you, full of surprises and hope and laughter. And after you’ve stroked your grief for a bit, take it out back, put it in the ground and plant it. Let it grow into what it will. And then lift your head and look out to what lies ahead and accept that while this may not exactly be the life you wrote, you were never the author to start out with. Turn the page, there’s another adventure waiting for you. And it will be wonderful, I’m sure of it!

If you like this you might also like:

Giving a voice to disappointment … “Would you do it again?”

The Warrior

“I didn’t want it to be me.”

Cold Soup

Remembering Tiny Feet

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Watermelon Mint Goodness

Watermelon and Mint … there’s something about the sweet, soft crunch of the summer fruit, that when combined with the bright flavor of fresh mint, makes me savor life a little more.

I first discovered the flavor combo about 2 years ago. It was our anniversary and there was a chic Indian restaurant in a near-by town that we’d been wanting to try. The watermelon salad came recommended to me by someone with good taste. It had been a hard last month or two and I was ready for a change for the better, even if that merely meant lunch. So despite my skepticism of the sweet and salty combo, I gave it a go.

And when the plate arrived, with miniature pink towers perfectly perched alongside exotic cheese columns and spectacularly spiraled, minty greens…I was afraid to disturb the masterpiece with my fork. Obviously, leaving a plate undisturbed is “bad form” in a restaurant and when my dainty fork disturbed the work of art and found itself in my mouth, the most wonderful flavor combo reached my heart…and I was changed. LOL

I really loved it that much!

You see, a of couple months prior, my family and I had gone to the county fair- a tradition I vaguely remember as a child and one I made a regular habit once I had children. We weren’t into the rides too much-they were too pricey. But the dirt roads, the farm animals, the 4H tents, country bands and the cotton candy, funnel cakes and pit beef brought a certain allure I just couldn’t resist. And this year had been no exception.

But like all good things seem to do…our home grown tradition was eventually tainted with disappointment when contaminated fair food gave me a gravely ill infection that not only had me longing to recover my gut, but quite frankly, hoping I’d pulled through the whole ordeal alive. You see, it would be my luck that my body would launch an auto-immune response to the bacteria it had encountered and instead of attacking the foreign bacteria, it began attacking my own joints and tissues. Ulcers formed in the soft tissues of my mouth, hard nodules began popping up on my legs and my joints swelled and ached like I never thought they could.

While I always loved food and held an appreciation for it, for the first time in my life, I gained a life-altering appreciation for standing and walking…shit, existing without pain. I was 35 years old and I walked like I was 100. I was slow and stiff and in a ton of pain that no over the counter meds could touch. Then again, my gut was too sick to tolerate the meds anyway. I had to wear tennis shoes, unlaced, so that I could get them on, because the soles of my feet couldn’t take the bare floors that I was so accustomed to walking on barefoot. And if my legs weren’t elevated, my ankles swelled and ached even more than they already did. Forget trying to walk on sand! Sleeping was a constant flipping routine as the pain in my dependent joints would wake me from my slumber. And if all of that wasn’t uncomfortable enough…once my intestines stopped bleeding, my diet consisted of nothing but rice, plain pasta, broth and ginger ale-no fiber, no dairy, nothing acidic or spicy, no alcohol or caffeine. I used to be a vegetarian and wine and coffee are my fuel- a month and a half without vegetables, flavor or my favorite beverages…talk about torture! Not to mention the constant monitoring for kidney failure that came along with my condition.

I was out of work for almost two months. Specialists were involved and for the umpteenth time in my crazy health historied life, someone said to me “This is actually very unusual. You are a very interesting case!”….Yeah, I know! I’ve got 1 : 1,000,000 kinda luck that way!

But I do have a one in a million kind of luck! My whole life has been one big fucking miracle…really!

That experience could have made me bitter. It could have led me to plaster social media with inflammatory “Never go to the County Fair” statements. It could have made me feel sorry for myself and my inherit bad luck. (You really wouldn’t believe how many strange and terrible things I have lived through). But instead…perhaps by the grace of God…I turned inward. I recognized this for what it was, a strange fluke, one of life’s unfortunate anomalies. And I thought about my cousin, who has had to learn to walk three times over. And the elderly…who walk that way, because they feel that way. And the people who don’t get to walk at all. I didn’t know at that time, if I would ever recover much less live through this illness. So I appreciated every moment that I was able to rest, every second I wasn’t in searing pain and every opportunity I was given to continue to live. Sunsets held an even higher significance than they did before. Every day was a gift. I used my time at home to complete stationary home projects-like building our US state pin map and creating wall art using our collected corks and old vacation photos.

And when the steroids finally kicked in…I literally jumped up and down like a giddy child. “Look!!!” I told my husband, “Look what I can do. No pain!” I ran around that day and did everything imaginable. I ran laundry up and down the basement steps, cleaned out closets that had been neglected for years, I even cleaned out the car…and I rejoiced doing it! I took every advantage of being able to move freely and I vowed I would never again take that privilege for granted.

And I haven’t.

So here’s to the cocktail that reminds me of the sweetness that came during the trial of harder times. Watermelon and fresh mint does that for me…like an anniversary date lunch after a really tough couple of months. Sometimes life is sweet and other times it holds a snappy bite…but most of the time, it’s both. And we just have to learn how toss in a little vodka, stir that shit up and drink it. Because it, like life, is good!

Watermelon Mint Goodness

  • Chopped watermelon
  • Watermelon vodka
  • Chopped mint
  • Tonic water (could also sub for seltzer or Sprite)

Mixed to taste and served over ice. And Enjoy! Enjoy every sip, every day, every gift.

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Learning your “gut feeling” and teaching your teenager to do the same

holding hands pic

As the mother of a teen, I’m sure I’m not alone when I tell my teen “No” and she doesn’t understand “Why?”. “I’m just not okay with it,” “I don’t have a good feeling about it,” and “I need you to trust my judgment,” are all statements that have been made by me and met with resistance by my teen. I’m frequently deemed “ridiculous” or “over-protective.” And my Mommy-spidey senses are rarely appreciated.

It’s hard to explain to an inexperienced, hormonal and often impulsive and illogical being that something gave me pause -that an inner nagging or a bad feeling is yielding a judgment call on my part. She is hardly able to grasp the tangible world and her own body seems foreign most days. How in the world can I get her to understand the whisperings of the spirit and the soft nudges of her conscience?!

Well, recently we had a wonderful teaching moment and I wonder if other parents might benefit from the same. And it wasn’t an “I told you so moment.” It was more personal and more impactful than that.

Fortunately for me, sassy and rebellious as my child may be, she does still talk to me. And recently she confided in me that a friend of hers had been making some uncomfortable suggestions to her. It was nothing really over the top and one could easily dismiss them as innocent inquiry; but it stuck with my daughter and it bothered her. Later, that same friend asked to have a sleepover. And my daughter came to me about the predicament.

The conversation went something like this: “I really like her as a friend. And I’m not really sure what she meant by those questions. But the idea of her sleeping over makes me uncomfortable. I just don’t feel good about it.”

I told her that that was reasonable and helped her think of a non-threatening way of handling the situation. The next day I was driving and lost in my own thoughts when BAM! It hit me! Teaching moment!

The next time we had a chance to talk, I brought up the situation again.

“Remember how you felt uncomfortable with your friend sleeping over? You didn’t really have a solid reason to deny her. You really didn’t even have any facts to go by. She really didn’t do anything wrong. But she said a few things. And those things gave you a feeling. That feeling was something you couldn’t shake. You had the feeling that as much as you liked her as a friend, you didn’t want her to sleep over. And you couldn’t feel okay with it. Baby, that’s your gut. And you must always listen to it! I’m proud of you that you listened to it. And I want you to notice that I didn’t try to talk you out of that feeling. Because a gut feeling is an important feeling to listen to.”

“Now, I know that as a mother, sometimes the decisions I make don’t always make sense to you. Sometimes I say ‘No’ to stuff with no hard facts to back me up. You know those times that the argument that you’re making to me makes perfect, logical sense; but I still end up saying, ‘I’m just not okay with it’? That’s because I’m having the same feeling that you had when you felt uncomfortable about your friend sleeping over. Those are the times that my gut is talking. And just like you couldn’t ignore it, I can’t ignore it either.”

“You may never know what would have happened if you had had that sleepover. And many times, I don’t know what would happen if I said “Ok” to you, when I otherwise feel like I shouldn’t. But I have to trust that our guts talk for a reason. And the worst feeling is when we don’t listen to it and we end up getting hurt.”

“You are my most precious gift. You are more important to me than my own self. If you can’t ignore that feeling about yourself, then I certainly can’t ignore it when it’s about you. I know it’s oftentimes hard to understand. I know I seems ridiculous and over-protective at times. But please know that I don’t ever say “No” without a reason. It’s just that sometimes, that reason is my gut.”

I’m sure most parents have a similar experience with their child. A time where they saw them squirm because someone or something made them uncomfortable. And I know every parent of a teenager deals with the teenage lack of perspective. Next time you see your kids struggle with that feeling, in addition to honoring that feeling, perhaps you too, could use it as a teachable moment. I prefer moments like these much more than the regretful, “I tried to tell you…” and the “You didn’t listen to me…” moments. Those, while at times inevitable, are much more painful for both parties involved. But a real-life, relatable, crisis-averted, “you felt it too” moment is the best in my book.

Best of luck to all you parents out there, who like me, are searching for direction and begging the universe to cut them a break – or at least allow them to survive. We’re doing it, one lesson, one glass at a time!