I don’t know if it was the last week, or the year, or the last 36 years … but I found myself, after recently being the subject of a lot of anger and verbal abuse … self reflecting. And in my reflection, I contemplated this last week, this last year, the last 36 years. And what I discovered was that amongst all the things I disdain, a lack perspective, a lack of empathy, a lack of effort, self-entitlement, self-absorption, complacency, selfishness … the thing that I dislike the most, is a lack of kindness. And if I could pick just one thing that I desire the most from humanity, Kindness would be it.
Nurses often times find themselves as subjects of unkindness. Our patients are ill. They are in pain. They have lost independence, control and the life they once knew. Their families too, have lost these things. Sometimes we have to stand alongside their doctor while they are given a devastating diagnosis, or told “I’m sorry, we did everything we could.” And sometimes we stand alone when we clean their wounds or bathe their dead loved one. My worst days at work, are the ones that despite my best efforts, to love, to heal, to minister, to analyze and to advocate, end in ridicule, accusations, and insults. They are the days that I have given of myself until I have nothing else left to give … and what I gave, still wasn’t enough.
Mothers often times find themselves the subjects of unkindness. Our children are learning. They are growing. They are seeking independence and experience and wisdom. Sometimes my advise and restrictions, my love and my best efforts are met with push-back, lack of appreciation, criticism, and disrespect. And when our children don’t perform at their best, the world too, loves to blame mothers. They love to give unsolicited advise and suggest inadequacy. They look past the individualism of the offspring and place all responsibility on their mother-as if the mother is the child themselves. If only we had been home more -or- worked harder, made stricter rules -or- hadn’t been so strict, loved them more -or- hadn’t coddled them so much. I always feel the worst for the mothers of children who hurt other people, like school shooters; because not only has that mother lost her child in a most horrific event, there is a whole army of people hating her and judging her because of her child’s very poor choice/illness. The guilt and the ostracization must be unbearable.
People in any role, find themselves the subjects of unkindness. Our beliefs, lifestyles, appearances and our mere existence, open us up for judgement, opinions, prejudices and contempt. Sometimes it is an intentional attack and other times we are merely the victim of an unwarranted unleashing because we were the one standing there when someone had a bad day, got bad news, objectified us as their momentary punching bag. Regardless of the who, what, where and why, it is enough to ruin our day, our week …
A careless act of cruelty is for some, enough to ruin a life.
And yet, a simple act of kindness, can be enough to save one.
What I realized in my self-reflection was that it’s not the hard tasks, it’s not being pushed to my physical limit, it’s not managing one’s anxieties or handling one’s fears. It’s not giving the bad news or wiping the tears, establishing restrictions or confronting death. It’s not moving past the judgement you want to make and choosing love instead – Those things are not what I find to be the hardest. I don’t seek the easiest patient, the easiest kid or the easiest life, but what I do seek, is for kindness to be met with kindness. And when it isn’t, it hurts.
Maybe I am more vulnerable than I once was. Maybe, living my life in a safe place with a family and a husband that love me, has made me weak. Maybe the hardships of my past have weathered me. Or maybe I’m finally past them and I’ve become accustomed to my security. Maybe I’ve reached exhaustion and I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore. I want to use to my energy to help instead. Truly, life is still hard but the army of people that I have built, help to carry me. In order to build that army, I had to open myself up to people and soften my edges. And the angst I now carry, seems to sit under a thinner skin than I once wore.
I try to remember that others just aren’t there yet. That others are still very angry and lack the support that I now have. Whether its politics, or waiting in line, a diagnosis or a lack of therapy, some people use other people to release their frustrations and to gain power. And the easiest way to process pain, is to blame and hurt others, so as not to allow the pain to penetrate one’s own heart.
Regardless of their reason or their story, it fucking hurts.
It hurts when people aren’t kind.
When I was a kid and other kids teased me because I was skinny or because I didn’t have the same name-brands they did, it hurt.
When I was a teenager and I didn’t have a car, or the same cute styles or perfect teeth and I didn’t live in the same affluent neighborhoods as the other kids, and that made me “not popular” … When people knew me as the “girl whose brother died” instead of as “Amanda”, it hurt.
When I was 21 and a new mother and people no longer wanted to hang out with me because my “baggage” no longer allowed me to go to the club, it hurt.
When someone makes negative assumptions based on my religious views, political persuasion, or my physical appearance … when they insult my children, talk about others in a derogatory fashion, mistreat the less fortunate, or tell insulting jokes, it still hurts.
And after 13 years of nursing, 14 years of motherhood and 36 years of living a life that has had more tragedy than I often care to divulge, I just don’t want anymore hurt.
The truth is, life works better when we are kind. People are more apt to meet our requests, to cooperate with one another and to consider another perspective. Kindness yields a cohesion that conflict and aggression simply cannot.
Some of the people who I love the most, have religious and political views that differ greatly from mine. I am a strong personality and a self-proclaimed free-thinker. You won’t find me bending to anyone’s will if it doesn’t sit well with me and I am no “ass-kisser”. I am known to say what I mean and mean what I say. And I am oftentimes abrupt in my delivery. But I hope my ways are never misconstrued as unkind. If we can be kind and respectful, we can express our views and explain our perspective without insults or scoffing. If we’re lucky, it’ll lead to compromise and if we’re less lucky, it might still yield a gained perspective by both parties. Kindness never leads to broken hearts, a loss of a relationship or hurt feelings. Kindness never destroys.
We are all on our own journeys. We all face challenges and adversaries, bad days and bad luck. We have all said things that we wish we hadn’t and we’ve all made choices that we wish we could undo. Each of us carry a cross – perhaps of different weights and of different woods, but it is heavy nonetheless and burdensome. And we just never know what someone else is carrying. Sometimes, those who appear the strongest, carry the heaviest crosses. And sometimes the weak, are weak from a long journey.
It might be harder some days, but it doesn’t use any more energy to be kind than it does to be angry. And it doesn’t have to be attained with some Noble Peace Prize sized effort.
It’s a smile. It’s a “thank you”. It’s an “I understand.” It’s not accepting an undo defeat or stooping to lower standards but respectfully pointing out that, “I appreciate your efforts, but this will have to change.” It’s not weakness, but strength. It’s maturity. It’s wishing someone well, whether you like them or not. It’s making eye contact and giving them just a minute of your attention instead of ignoring them. It’s stepping away for a moment so that you can gather yourself instead exploding insults all over everyone. It’s self-expressing that you yourself are frustrated, afraid, anxious, or overwhelmed and that your angst has nothing to do with the person you are interacting with. It’s saying, “I’m sorry.”
People need to hear that. People need to see that.
“There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my hearts are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.” – Dalai Lama
In a world where you can be anything, Be Kind.
Beautifully stated as always Amanda. Behavior can be taught, but I wonder if, like caring, whether kindness can be taught. I think when one emulates a behavior of someone they respect and love, the feeling eventually follows and then becomes self-motivated.