A couple of months ago, I had an experience, like many parents of teenagers (girls, especially), wherein my teen had a meltdown when the plans that she had concocted at the last minute would not be coming to fruition, due to, shall we say, parental factors.
In other words, despite her “hours of planning”, unbeknownst to us and her best of intentions to make it work, my husband and I, and the other parents said, “Not this time.” Thus, last minute plans led to last minute disappointment. Combine that, with her developmental stage and hormones… and holy moly… WWIII broke out in our household.
All morning she cried and all afternoon, she sulked. When I tried to talk to her, arguing ensued. That resulted in my feeling as though she was being ridiculous and entitled; and it left her, feeling completely frustrated and unheard.
It went something like this:
Daughter: “Mom, I haven’t done anything my entire first week and a half of summer.”
Me: “Yes you have, one day you …. and another day you….”
Daughter: “Two days, Mom!” That’s it! Two days!”
Me: “Well at least you got two … Seriously! It’s been 10 days!”
And then I continued to explain and justify why our decision to say “No” was reasonable, and why her behavior was out of line. She stormed off again, slamming yet another door.
Then came threats from me and more ineffective communication. And I felt, yet again… that I was failing at this parenting thing.
Was she being overly dramatic and entitled? Yep!
Did I handle things the best way? Nope!
While I stewed about how long this was going to drag on and how to resolve this… I remembered a grief class that I had taught just a few days prior.
I teach medical staff who are caring for newly bereaved parents/family how to understand grief and how best to care for families who are being faced with the horrifying reality that their pregnancy will not have the happy ending that they had hoped for. In that presentation is a section of :”What to say” and “What not to say…”. And at the top of the “What not to say” list is anything that leads with “At least you…”- because odds are, whatever will follow is a statement that minimizes their grief.
And I instantly realized, while on a magnanimously smaller scale, despite my feeling justified and rational in my conclusions, I too had minimized my child’s grief. Not only were our emotional needs not being met during this feud, we were no closer to reaching a resolution to our problem, either. And by yelling and arguing back, I was failing at providing her good instruction and demonstrating proper coping skills for how to handle her disappointment and resolve this problem in the future.
So I started by breaking things down:
Her complaint (minus the teenage drama and hormones): “My plans were cancelled today. And I haven’t done as much as I would’ve liked to, thus far this summer.”
With this new viewpoint in mind, I completely restructured my communication with her. I went back to her, yet again. But this time, instead of telling her she was wrong, I said:
“I hear that you are disappointed that your plans were cancelled today. And I hear that you are frustrated that you haven’t done more this summer.” For once, she didn’t lash right back… so I continued. “I want to first remind you, that this is what you wanted to do initially- you asked to be able to ‘just veg out and not do a thing’, and I understand that that has changed now and you are feeling trapped.”
The high energy and defiant personality I’d been battling all day… softened and quieted… she was being heard and with that acknowledgement, she was ready to receive more input.
“So, fix it.” I said. “Go get the agenda book I bought you for school, and start filling it in. Figure out what you want to do and when. You can look at our family calendar and add in the things we already scheduled and then see what else it is that you want to do. Look up some recipes that you want to make, think about who you want to see and where you’d like to go- and I will do what I can to make those plans happen for you. But I need to know in advance. When you make last-minute plans, that require the help of other people, it is disrespectful to those people’s plans and lives. You can’t expect other people to drop everything and accommodate you without adequate notice. That is how you change what you don’t like, not yelling at people and disrespecting them-that’s never going to work out for you. And remember, it is always my job to keep you safe and make decisions that are in your best interest.”
That conversation was a game-changer.
Instead of shutting her down… I acknowledged her feelings.
Instead of arguing the accuracy and validity of her point, I offered her a solution.
Instead of copying her ineffective coping mechanisms, I offered her effective ones.
And none of that required that I waver on my expectations or renege on my standards as a parent.
And she really did hear me.
She changed her attitude, went and got her agenda, and filled it in. And we kept up our end of the bargain in doing our best to make those things happen. We shopped for her recipe-grocery items and added her plans to our calendars where we could. Within days her boyfriend was over the house and they were cooking dinner for us all.
It truly was a win-win. Even if it took me a few tries to get it right.
Parenting was one of, if not my greatest life goals. I wanted to be a Mom more than just about anything. And I really wanted to do it well. Great goals aren’t achieved overnight or without a ton of hard work. And being a parent is no different. You wouldn’t expect to hike Mount Everest without training and encountering hardships along the way. You wouldn’t expect to land a dream job as a trained professional without learned mastery and repeated failed attempts. So why do we expect any different when we become parents?
That afternoon, I failed several times before I got it right. And I’ll fail again, I’m sure. Unlike trained professionals, there are no textbooks or manuals customized for your particular child and their particular life stage. But if you keep trying… if you seek inspiration in the world around you… and if you aim to validate your children as the living, feeling, individuals that they are… you’ll be alright.
Hang in there! This parenting thing sure is one hell of a ride… and teenagers are the ultimate rollercoaster! But a few loopty loops and a few warranted screams are survivable, if there’s a safe station and loving arms to return to when it’s over.
