Tag: silverlining

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Aphrodite

A single match is struck and the flame lights the room. Its shadows dance on the walls to the beat of the thundering water that fills the tub. My clothes fall to the floor. A small lavender sachet tumbles under the spout and celestial tunes transport me as I sink into the steaming bath.

Closing my eyes, I am no longer in an acrylic basin but stretched out on sand and cradled by the sea. Palms sway overhead against a turquoise sky. A warm breeze sweeps subtly over my exposed form and the waves crash in the distance. I am on an island far away… floating…

Before the warmth of the sun begins to burn, the palms slowly multiply and tropical plants ease into the scene. The open sky, broken now into tiny bits of blue peeking through and I am shielded by forest greens and orange and pink blossoms. No longer cradled by sea and sand, under me a crocheted hammock carries me… swaying all the same. Tropical birds, waterfalls and the wind moving through the leaves, replaces the sound of the waves… and I sink into the rocking cocoon, softening further…. alone in a tropical rainforest paradise.

Just as peacefully as they came… the palms and ferns begin to dissolve as evergreens silently take their place and the sky begins to reveal itself once again. The brilliant blue darkens to a embracing navy, framed with black spires of trees and speckled with tiny flickering stars, brilliantly illuminating the heavens. No longer crocheted threads, but a soft canvas now swaddles me. The thundering waters have ceased and all is quiet. I am cooler now and I can’t stop staring at the night skies painted on the backs of my eyelids. Relishing in the silent, peaceful, solitude… I am at ease in this wooded sanctuary at night.

Eyes still closed and as I stand, the ocean and the waterfall merge as the water rolls off my body. Stepping out on the bath mat, I imagine it is the cool earth in my wooded scene and my problems are now underfoot- not gone away… but beneath me. I am stronger than them, and in this moment, they have no power over me.

“Momma”, a small voice comes from behind the door and my meditative state is broken. I am reminded of where I am on the journey and the life that I have been given. And while I cannot run away or escape my troubles forever… I can for a moment step away… I can transform… I can recharge and renew.

Some lavender lotion and cozy sweats and I am ready again to embrace this beautiful life in all of its wonderous complexity. For what is peace, if we never feel unrest? What is ease without hardship?

This pandemic paired with life has been a potent and deadly cocktail for many… and I too have suffered the pains of isolation, oppressive fatigue, tightening anxiety, griping fear, the heavy cloak of depression and dwindling hope. I want desperately to go back to my old life of happy hours on the porch, hugs, endless travel plans and friends and family abound.

But I am reminded that that life too, knew challenges, conflict, exhaustion, and fear. And that long as this season has been and despite its hardships, it has afforded us a much-needed break from many things. It has defined relationships that needed defining. It has invited us to explore our creativity- at work, in the kitchen and the arts. It has allowed us more opportunities to take on new projects, to hear one another with less distraction… and to take more baths.

When I allow the worries of the world to consume me, I am a helpless child… quivering in fear and uncertainty. When I detach, I am a leaf blowing where the wind takes me, unfeeling and removed. When the pain hits close to my bones, I am enraged and like an untamed flame, I ache to scorch everything in my path.

But when I let the pain and the fear and the worry wash over me like the waves of the sea- accepting it, not denying it, releasing it, not holding on to it…

I am Aphrodite… and my power lies in the goodness I create; my fertility yielding wholesome fruits of creation- a plated meal, a painted wall-or- fingernails, a freshly pruned plant, a gentle ” I love you”, a craft, words scribbled on a page…

Every season affords us a series of days, and every day, a series of moments. It’s what we do in those moments, how we choose to respond, to reflect and embrace… that define us.

Yesterday I might have been the anxious child… and tomorrow the winds of trauma may sweep me away again as the leaf… but today….

Today… I am Aphrodite.

Who are you?

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Solstice

“Winter solstice, also called hibernal solstice… when the path of the Sun in the sky is farthest south…. At the winter solstice the sun travels the shortest path through the sky, and that day therefore has the least daylight and the longest night.” In the Northern Hemisphere, this falls on December 21 or 22.- Encyclopaedia Britannica

If ever there was a year that the light felt far away and the darkness seemed to linger too long… this might be the year.

It’s not my most painful year by far… but the longevity and the constant stream of challenges has been remarkable. Instead of a sudden, gut-punching blow, this has been more of a slow bleed… and I am weakening from the anemia. I am tired, sore and sad.

Pain and sadness have always drawn me inside myself- be it emotional pain and grief or physical pain. While at first onset, I am unsettled… after a period, it draws me inward; and there, in my own shadows, I am afforded the opportunity to allow the pain to transform me- to become bitter-or- to reflect and learn, and become better. The choice is mine.

I reflect on my many moments of pain-my brother’s death, childbirth, accidents and illnesses, holding my first stillborn, saying good-bye to foster children, burying a beloved pet, losing a patient… the moments are many… and every time, I went inward.

I was both a nurse and a mother of two when my grandmother died slowly from cancer, cancer she elected not to treat as it was end stage when it was discovered. I remember that she would keep busy with small projects and pray when the pain was at its worst- a distraction and a novena of sorts for a devoutly religious woman. While I processed the loss, I reflected on the myriad of feelings that came to surface. I tried to apply my hospital training to at-home hospice, all the while guiding my children through their first experience of death. Secretly, I hated her martyrdom. Pain should be avoided not coddled, I believed.

But pain, I’ve come to learn, is inevitable.

While some know this old foe better than others, no one is afforded a life without it. And the timing of our meetings are rarely anticipated- leaving us unguarded and taken aback by its arrival.

Acceptance is never immediate. At first the pain is an intruder and your reaction is rejection, discontent and a drive to fight the force that is ailing you.

But with time, your energy eases and your senses soften as your stance melts and you bend to sit. It’s not martyrdom or loss but surrender. Surrender to the transformation at hand.

And then, the very darkness you at first, jumped to slay, changes form… the shadows shift and you no longer see a foe… but an old friend… and you ease further and commune, settling in as you settle into an old chair.

And it is in that place, where the light meets the dark that you will find your greatest revelations, if you allow them. Your eyes need time to adjust and to filter the light from the dark. And so long as you don’t stray too far from the light… if you allow yourself to sit in the shadows for a time… allow the process, if you allow the surrender… the darkness becomes your teacher.

For a week I wondered, why? Why the week before an already challenging Christmas am I in pain again… but pain is never well-timed… or is it?

Tonight, with the Winter Solstice approaching… I realize it is not an assault but my old teacher returning.

For many cultures, the solstice is a deeply spiritual time, full of sacred ritual and reflection. The long night affords more time for such inward thoughts and revelations.

This year has been hard and every part of my self feels it. My heart, my mind and my body are exhausted. I am a caregiver by both nature and profession and this global pandemic, along with life, has depleted me. Perhaps this pain was my calling to rest.

Busy with work, busy with packing/unpacking, busy with homeschooling, buying and chores… for a time I allowed myself to be consumed by tasks, when what my soul really needed was rest and time- time with the people I love, well spent, not rushed.

And yet, I am kept away from so many of the people I love. Never have I missed family and friends more than I do now. And I vow to remember this…

Life and love are the greatest of blessings- never should they be taken for granted.

To simply awaken every day is a gift- a gift denied to so many this year. Furthermore, to be afforded people that love you and that in turn, accept your love, are what makes life so rich. Relish in that love while you have it. Be present. Listen. Take it all in. Feel. Invest in the people and moments that matter. Loneliness is the void of every day joys we ache for when they are taken from us.

Yet not every person is worth the energy it takes to create such moments and sustain such bonds. Pain helps to sort out worthy relationships-the people that understand, the people who offer support, the people who remember, the people who stand by and hold your hand until you are whole again. Pain builds a shell that only the worthy take the time to chip away. It is a blessing to know who your allies are. Don’t let the fair-weather friend distract you from your loyal companion. Those who walk through the valleys with you… should never be forgotten or taken for granted.

Nor should your abilities. The ability to walk, talk, see, think… to use our bodies to explore, create, learn and produce goodness… that is a tremendous gift. Many people have learned just what it was to take taste and smell for granted. Over and over, I’ve read accounts of people crying when their senses began to return after a covid infection. And yet these experiences are not a new phenomenon- The vet who lost his legs. The elder whose sight has clouded away. The accident that robbed one of their ability to hear… How easy it is to jump out of the bed and run to the phone… until you’ve lost the ability to walk…and talk… To see someone’s face… until you go blind… To hear the laughter and music of the season until your ears no longer process sound. Today I am choosing to marvel in my abilities.

And I am choosing to marvel in my blessings-my family, my home, a full refrigerator and warmth- just a few enormous blessings denied to so many right now.

Joy and connectedness are not lost- with the tremendous technology available to us. Technology that allows us to watch our holiday favorites on the screen, listen to the tunes of the season, have gifts and goods delivered to our doorsteps, and video calls to see our loved ones faces and share in each other’s moments in an alternative way.

While the darkness affords us the time to reflect, the solstice is also a celebration of the re-birth of the sun, the survival of the longest night and the gain of light to come. I am so incredibly grateful for my bounty and yet, oh, how I yearn for better days to come…

As I sit in this ecliptic state, my blessings are illuminated by the light. They are what I am choosing to set my gaze upon. And yet to see them, I had to sit in the dark for a time. As I continue on my journey, I aim to hold steadfast, my focus on such blessings, but I will not deny the darkness. I am entitled to my grief-from wherever it comes, or however big or small it seems to others. I will honor both the struggle and the reward, the blessings and pain; because one cannot exist without the other.

The solstice is “a time to set goals and intentions for the coming year, to examine and let go of our past, and to make changes within ourselves”… It is “a personal awakening.”-Jessica Booth, Bustle.

This is not the way I would have chosen to spend my holiday season- in pain, away from family and friends, removed from so many meaningful traditions. And yet it’s a year I’ve been afforded so many blessings. And it’s an opportunity to reflect and better myself-to awaken. Perhaps in this time of great unrest, this solstice may be the most meaningful yet… straddling both the light and the dark and embracing them both… A restful hibernation, all the while welcoming a rebirth… as pain and struggle always offer a transformation… and the world circles the star… yet again.

solstice | Definition & Facts | Britannica

What Does The Winter Solstice Mean Spiritually? It’s Celebrated In Tons Of Religions And Cultures (bustle.com)