I often times see on Social Media, a sort of competition between the mothers of toddlers and the mothers of teens… a sort of “Oh you think You have it bad!?” comedic banter. And truly, in order to survive parenthood, you must have a sense of humor. But I also recognize that there can be a bit of back-handedness hidden in comments like “Enjoy this time while you have it…” or “You’re gonna miss these days… ,” when they are being said to a parent who is at their breaking point. While on some level, these comments are very true, and I’m sure, I myself, have been guilty of saying them in the past… I also understand they are equally unhelpful when said at the wrong time.
I am not yet done my journey and I won’t pretend to have all the answers… but as a parent who has survived infancy and toddlerhood x2 and a nurse and a foster parent who has learned and observed… here’s what I have surmised:
Those days that you have while your little one can still fit in your arms, while they still look up to you, while they still think you wear a cape most days… Those days are in fact precious. And I do think we need those reminders sometimes- so as not to lose sight of our gifts or take those precious days for granted. The day will come when you find yourself longing for another chance to hold those tiny pudgy fingers and the little lump that crawls into your lap and falls asleep, to once again hear the sweet, unrestrained voice that says “I love you Momma” and “You’re beautiful” with ease and honesty. And that first birthday or Mother’s Day that doesn’t start with a hand print craft and a sloppy kiss, won’t go unnoticed or un-mourned. Life will likely never be this beautifully simple again.
But those days of raising tiny humans, whilst precious, are also hard. The days and hours are long and exhausting. And the love they give you willingly is met equally by selfish demands.
I remember.
While I do miss the days my children openly and lovingly adored me… Attending to their every physical, intellectual and emotional need, was exhausting. The non-stop questions, the non-stopping touching… both beautiful signs of their growing, inquisitive minds and their desire to feel safe and loved by their Momma, wore me out and left me over-stimulated on a daily basis.
I was never as tired. My house was never as messy. And chores and errands were never as difficult as when my children were young.
I now have a 12 and a 15-year-old.
And while I am a bit less tired now because I am able to physically lie in my bed for longer periods of time… and it has been years since I’ve been awoken by “Mommy I peed the bed.” or “Mommy, I threw up.” or “Can I sleep in here?… I had a nightmare.”, I now more often lie awake and lose sleep with worry. Adolescence is a time of a painstaking push for independence. Decisions are often made impulsively and recklessly. Attitudes are typically selfish in nature. And this developmental stage directly precedes adulthood, thus, the consequences for their actions often reflect that. I am grateful for the opportunity to sleep more but I must admit that my night-time anxiety is one I never knew before.
My advice to you, sleep when you can. Sleep when the babies sleep. I know you want to knock out that project or mindlessly scroll through social media in the short window that you have to yourself, but if you are behind in sleep, then catch up. Sleep is the most restorative function next to eating. And if you are sleep deprived, every other aspect of your life will be affected. You will likely find that when you do get sleep, your awake time is much more functional too. These exhausting days don’t last forever. The day will come when projects and housework will get easier. What you didn’t get to today, will still be there tomorrow. Sleep when you can.
Speaking of trying to get things done… one of the things I don’t think anyone prepares you for as a new parent, is how hard it is to run a simple errand. Just going to the store to grab a few things for dinner, when you have an infant and a toddler, is a huge-freaking ordeal. There’s getting them all ready, packing the diaper bag, getting them into their car seats… Then, getting them out of their seats and into the cart without one of them running off, and at that point… you haven’t even made it into the store. Long gone are the days when you could just slip on your shoes and run out for a gallon of milk. You’re exhausted before you even start shopping.
And then, there’s the trials and tribulations of trying to shop with them…
I remember one such shopping trip: As if the “Stay with me, please…” and “Yuck, don’t put that in your mouth!” and “No, we’re not buying that!” and “Stop putting things in the cart!” weren’t enough…. In the middle of my shopping trip, my infant-in-arms began throwing up. Then, while I stood in the middle of the grocery aisle, with vomit running down my shirt and splattering all over the floor, my toddler dropped the cap to her Chapstick- which conveniently rolled under the shelving unit and became irretrievable. And as he continued to vomit all down the front of me, she screamed about the cap that she lost. So, instead of resupplying my empty shelves at home, I left a full cart of groceries in the middle of the store. Covered in vomit, holding my sick baby, I dragged my irrational and screaming toddler out of store. And then I cried- because I didn’t know what we were going to eat that night for dinner.
My advice to you… try to time your errands when you have the help of your partner or a Mom friend. And when that’s not feasible, I hear those grocery store delivery services are a god-send! I’d check them out if you haven’t already. I know I certainly could have used it back then. Likely, it’s not a service you’ll use forever. I don’t need it now. And I love that I can leave my relatively self-sufficient children at home or at school and go shopping alone. But I do remember, what an unusual treat that was, just a few short years ago. Running errands won’t always be this hard. Hang in there!
Of course your grocery bill won’t be this low either. With growing teens and tweens, I miss the days that I could feed them for pennies. I miss being able to control what goes in their lunches. (My highschooler routinely eats from the vending machines at school using her babysitting money and it makes me nauseous). And sometimes with everyone’s crazy schedules now, we aren’t always at home together for dinner… and I miss their chubby faces at the table. Though I don’t miss them throwing food on the floor or having to poop the second I sat down with my plate.
Speaking of food, don’t bother making your own “Step 1” baby food- it’s not worth the effort to make food that pure and that thin. Build the prepared baby food into your budget- but only for a month or two. Once they can start tolerating some texture in their food, throw whatever you’re making for dinner in the blender and Voila! You’ll save money and create a child with a decent food palate. Studies show that eating a wide variety of foods is more important to the toddler diet than eating a large amount of food. So don’t stress if they only take a few bites. And keep trying, even when they refuse. Picky eaters are annoying no matter what age they are! Start them early by exposing them to a wide variety of foods.
And stop carrying the household work load alone! Give your children chores. Even toddlers can do simple tasks, like unloading the dishwasher and picking up their toys. And I started having them making their own lunches in Kindergarten (with a pictured diagram of what protein, veggies and a snack entailed). Yes, it is more work initially, to supervise them and go behind them, but it will pay off! My 7 year old foster child knew how to vacuum, cook and clean floors when he came to us. (… I thought I was doing good with “Pick up your toys” and “Put your plate in the sink.”) Teenagers should be doing their own laundry, learning to cook and sharing the kitchen clean-up. Those are life skills that they will soon need! You do them no favors by enabling them. Sharing the load leads to less frustration on your part and promotes teamwork and independence. My fifteen-year-old loves showing off her simple cooking skills with her friends- (most of whom can’t even fry an egg). Trust me, they WILL thank you later.
Sometimes though, it’s not just the chores that feel so cumbersome, it’s the constant longing for touch and attention that wears a new mom out. One of my children had very high physical touch needs. All day they wanted to be next to me or on top of me. They had no lovey or blankie or self soothing mechanisms, they just wanted to touch me all the time. And I remember that while my husband’s physical affection for me was one of the things that I fell madly in love with, during that time, I didn’t even want him to touch me. By the end of the day, I was so over-stimulated. Sex was a chore.
I do miss the daily hugs and snuggles. I did love nursing my babies and sleeping with them in a quiet lump on my chest… and now I love having my body back. And I love sex again… though it’s a little tricky now with teenagers who don’t want to go to bed and come downstairs for midnight snacks.
My advice to you, when that tiny body is clinging to your leg as you try to cook dinner and you want to scream “Get off of me!”- Stop for just a second, squat down and hug them. Tell them that you love them very much and enjoy that tiny squeeze. Sometimes that’s all they want. And then tell yourself that this is only temporary… and if you have to… go hide in the bathroom.
While toddlers truly are tiny, irrational beings that often drive us to our wits end, teenagers are simply bigger versions. Their tantrums and selfish demands are infuriating! Add that on to your ever, over-flowing plate of chores and challenges, and it can be enough to make you lose your mind! I know!
My advice to you- no matter how irrational or volatile they are, don’t spank them. I did, and I regret it. Spanking is easier. People say that our kids are entitled and spoiled brats now because people no longer beat them… not true. They’re spoiled and entitled because we stopped spanking and replaced it with little-to-no disciplinary action. Effective parenting is hard! It requires self-control and follow-through. It is easier to lose it and give their behind a couple good wacks than it is to remain calm and make them do an extra chore or take away their screens, toy or cookie. But it does yield better results. You will become a better person for it. And it’s great practice for the teenage years. You can’t beat a 17 year old who’s bigger than you… set your standards and practice these parenting techniques now while they, like their mistakes, are still small and easily managed. And treasure the fact that they still come back for a forgiving hug.
As the mother of a teen, the tantrums and the melt-downs are fewer now, but the consequences of those emotional breaks, the problems and the worries are much bigger. Remind yourself that their worries of which pair of shoes to wear and how many m&ms they’ve eaten today are very tiny choices in the scope of life. Allow them some autonomy and don’t get yourself all razed-up when they wear, say, or do the wrong thing. Take a moment to teach them, but don’t let their emotions escalate you as an adult.
And listen to them, teach them that their words and their feelings matter. Young children who feel heard by their parents will grow into teens who feel safe to confide in their parents. And teens who confide in their parents make less deadly mistakes. Their thoughts and opinions don’t have to change your decisions, but you can at least show them that you are willing to hear them. A foundation of respect, honesty, structure and discipline is essential to a healthy family dynamic. But don’t lose perspective either, save the big fights for when they truly matter.
Sometimes I think we intrinsically know which fights are worth fighting but we feel pressured by others to make a certain impression. And sometimes, the people who pressure us the most are the people who raised us. “You’re gonna let her wear that out of the house?”, “Don’t you think he’s a little young for that?”, or “Oh I didn’t let you guys have that …”, are judgmental statements that often leave us questioning our own parental decisions. But guess what? Our parents weren’t perfect! They made mistakes. Trust your own judgement. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied and don’t copy the same mistakes under the guise of- “That’s how I was raised.” Each generation has the opportunity to learn from the previous generation’s mistakes and successes- so learn, and then make your own decisions about what is best for you and your family.
While your parents do have plenty of wisdom to utilize, they might not always be the best source of advice for child rearing because they raised their children in a very different time. I find, I oftentimes get my best advice from friends and family who are not so far removed from raising children. The people that I see actively managing their life and their children in an admirable way, in the same culture that I’m trying to raise my kids in, are the people I look to forge relationships with. And those relationships have proved essential to my surviving life with children.
Friends give you breaks. You need breaks. Once you’ve built those trusting relationships with one another, take turns watching each other’s children so that the other one can get an errand or a nap in. Or better yet, schedule a wine date and leave all the kids with someone’s spouse so that you can get some uninterrupted, adult conversation in. We have to remember that we have an identity outside of being a parent. You and your child both will enjoy each other more when you have space from one another. Not to mention our children need to learn how to function in our absence. You’ll all be better for it… trust me! Even the spouse who’s watching the five kids… they’ll develop a new found appreciation for what you do on the regular. And when you come home after a few glasses of wine, sex might not be such a “chore” that night (*wink).
And lastly, my advice for the best way to meet said friends…
Get out of the house! Take your children to go play at the local park or elementary school playground. Church works too, if you’re a churchy person. They are all great places to watch other parents parenting their children and you’ll be able to see who you want to invest the time of building a friendship with, and who you want to lose the phone number of, (LOL). When you stay local, you’ll meet parents who likely live in your neighborhood and may even be assigned to the same schools as your children. This sets you up for the possibility of an ongoing relationship, if you so choose. Not to mention, by being outside, the kids won’t be messing up the house. You’ll all get some vitamin D, which everyone is deficient in (and that deficiency causes increased tiredness, fyi). And with all the evidence that screens are killing us… you’ll give your children a break from technology and the opportunity for wholesome, creative play and exercise.
And then… when they’re teens… you’ll be a little less tired, have cool friends to hang out with, and kids who (hopefully) have a decent food pallet, a few life skills, will talk to you, could potentially be able to handle not having a screen for a few hours and tolerate being outdoors…
The day will come when what felt like an eternity ahead of you, are now the days behind you. And you’ll look back and say, of the greatest chore you were ever given, “I hope I did it good enough.”
Momma, it won’t always be like this.
Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Allow yourself.
Find Beauty where you are right now. And know that nothing lasts forever… even this.
