It's an age-old saying amongst satisfied, wise-old, married men, the advise my husband gives at every wedding he attends (when requested) and it's inscribed on a wooden plaque that sits in my living room. "Happy Wife, Happy life" aka "When Momma ain't happy, ain't no body happy!"
We are the matriarchs. We run the household, ensuring the family is well fed, well dressed and safe. And given the standards of today's living, we also work outside the home. I don't know if it's because we're biologically better at multi-tasking or because culture takes a long time to change or if it simply has to do with our propensity to control the environment around us; but most women I know carry the majority of the load when it comes to the family’s needs. From signing permission slips to making costumes, knowing what days the kids need a clean P.E uniform to coordinating the baby shower at work. Few women I know come home and play video games or read the newspaper. We work and we care and we nuture, constantly! And while the income gap amongst men and women still exist, women are working just as many hours outside the home as men are, whilst still maintaining the majority of the household chores. Mothers and wives today are doing even more than we ever have. And we are tired and burnt out and many marriages are suffering.
We all say "It's the little things that matter." So, put your words into action! … Here's a whole list of little things that you can do if you want a happier wife.
If you want a happy wife …
Start with a kiss when you leave the house, whether she's sleeping or not.
Then, when you know the time in her day when she's up and at 'em and just getting going … or, if you both leave at the same time, maybe her lunch time … send her a text that says "I love you babe!" You will stop her in her busy tracks and enter her thoughts while you are away from one another. It's a way to let her know you think of her without taking her time and attention away from work.
Tell her she's beautiful – every day! EVERY DAY!
When you see her in the kitchen or cleaning the house, ask her if you can help. And even if she says no, find a way to help her anyway, even if it's pouring her a glass of wine.
Thank her for your meal every time she cooks, even when it's terrible.
And speaking of wine, don't get yourself a drink without asking what she'd like. Offering someone a drink is as chivalrous as holding the door. And stop with your "but feminists…" BS. We all like chivalry.
When she gets all quiet and tense – rub her shoulders, kiss her, let her fall into you if she wants or walk away if she needs. We can't always talk and don't often have the energy to handle another human when we are stressed, but we don't want to be alone either. Let her know that you see her and are there for her but you don't want to burden her. Don't taunt her with "Ohhh … somebody's icey/bitchy"… women often keep their worries to themselves and you don't always know what burden she's carrying.
If she's doing quiet work while you watch TV or play games, come to her and ask if she'd like a snack or a cup of tea … 2 min, and she'll know you notice her and think of her.
Find little ways to surprise her: Make the bed and turn her side down. Leave her flowers. Pack her lunch for her. Fill up the gas tank. Leave work early and offer to pick up the kids.
Ask her to sit next to you and snuggle when you sit to watch TV – even if you're uncomfortable, tolerate it once in a while.
Ask her how her day went.
Kiss her before bed.
When you make love, think only of her and how to rock her world.
Tell her that you love her.
Still worried about you? Do all these things in the absence of yelling, name calling and accusations. Do it without a time line or an expectation of getting anything in return … make it an indefinite change. You'll amazed at how she loves you back!
Want a happy husband?
Start with a kiss when you leave the house, whether he's sleeping or not.
Then, when you know the time in his day when he's up and at 'em and just getting going … or, if you both leave at the same time, maybe his lunch time … send him a text that says "I love you babe!" You will stop him in his busy tracks and enter his thoughts while you are away from one another. It's a way to let him know that you think of him without taking his time and attention away from work.
Tell him he's wonderful – every day! EVERY DAY!
When you see him working on something or outside doing yard work, ask him if you can help. And even if he says no, find a way to help him anyway, even if it's bringing him a beer.
Thank him for your meal every time he cooks, even when it's terrible.
Don't get yourself a drink or a snack without asking what he'd like, it's only considerate. And respect and mutual consideration is the key to a healthy relationship.
When he gets all quiet and tense – rub his shoulders, kiss him, let him rest on you if he wants or walk away if he needs. They can't always talk and don't often have the energy to handle another human when they are stressed, but they don't want to be alone either. Let him know that you see him and are there for him but you don't want to burden him.
If he's doing quiet work while you watch TV or play, come to him and ask if he'd like a snack or a cup of tea … 2 min, and he'll know you notice him and think of him.
Find little ways to surprise him: Make the bed and turn his side down. Leave him a special little treat. Pack his lunch for him. Fill up the gas tank. Leave work early and offer to pick up the kids.
Ask him to sit next to you and snuggle when you sit to watch TV – even if you're uncomfortable, tolerate it once in a while.
Ask him how his day went.
Kiss him before bed.
When you make love, think only of him and how to rock his world.
Tell him that you love him.
And do it all in the absence of yelling, or nagging, or expectations.
Sometimes, despite our very best efforts, we can't make someone happy. Maybe they've already checked out and maybe their unhappiness rests inside of them and is untreatable by others. But before you say "I've tried", "I've done what I can." "I can't make him/her happy." Start with this very simple little daily list and see where it takes you. Think this is too much work? Then you don't know the fulfillment of a happy marriage. Trust me, it's worth it!
