As the mother of a teen, I’m sure I’m not alone when I tell my teen “No” and she doesn’t understand “Why?”. “I’m just not okay with it,” “I don’t have a good feeling about it,” and “I need you to trust my judgment,” are all statements that have been made by me and met with resistance by my teen. I’m frequently deemed “ridiculous” or “over-protective.” And my Mommy-spidey senses are rarely appreciated.
It’s hard to explain to an inexperienced, hormonal and often impulsive and illogical being that something gave me pause -that an inner nagging or a bad feeling is yielding a judgment call on my part. She is hardly able to grasp the tangible world and her own body seems foreign most days. How in the world can I get her to understand the whisperings of the spirit and the soft nudges of her conscience?!
Well, recently we had a wonderful teaching moment and I wonder if other parents might benefit from the same. And it wasn’t an “I told you so moment.” It was more personal and more impactful than that.
Fortunately for me, sassy and rebellious as my child may be, she does still talk to me. And recently she confided in me that a friend of hers had been making some uncomfortable suggestions to her. It was nothing really over the top and one could easily dismiss them as innocent inquiry; but it stuck with my daughter and it bothered her. Later, that same friend asked to have a sleepover. And my daughter came to me about the predicament.
The conversation went something like this: “I really like her as a friend. And I’m not really sure what she meant by those questions. But the idea of her sleeping over makes me uncomfortable. I just don’t feel good about it.”
I told her that that was reasonable and helped her think of a non-threatening way of handling the situation. The next day I was driving and lost in my own thoughts when BAM! It hit me! Teaching moment!
The next time we had a chance to talk, I brought up the situation again.
“Remember how you felt uncomfortable with your friend sleeping over? You didn’t really have a solid reason to deny her. You really didn’t even have any facts to go by. She really didn’t do anything wrong. But she said a few things. And those things gave you a feeling. That feeling was something you couldn’t shake. You had the feeling that as much as you liked her as a friend, you didn’t want her to sleep over. And you couldn’t feel okay with it. Baby, that’s your gut. And you must always listen to it! I’m proud of you that you listened to it. And I want you to notice that I didn’t try to talk you out of that feeling. Because a gut feeling is an important feeling to listen to.”
“Now, I know that as a mother, sometimes the decisions I make don’t always make sense to you. Sometimes I say ‘No’ to stuff with no hard facts to back me up. You know those times that the argument that you’re making to me makes perfect, logical sense; but I still end up saying, ‘I’m just not okay with it’? That’s because I’m having the same feeling that you had when you felt uncomfortable about your friend sleeping over. Those are the times that my gut is talking. And just like you couldn’t ignore it, I can’t ignore it either.”
“You may never know what would have happened if you had had that sleepover. And many times, I don’t know what would happen if I said “Ok” to you, when I otherwise feel like I shouldn’t. But I have to trust that our guts talk for a reason. And the worst feeling is when we don’t listen to it and we end up getting hurt.”
“You are my most precious gift. You are more important to me than my own self. If you can’t ignore that feeling about yourself, then I certainly can’t ignore it when it’s about you. I know it’s oftentimes hard to understand. I know I seems ridiculous and over-protective at times. But please know that I don’t ever say “No” without a reason. It’s just that sometimes, that reason is my gut.”
I’m sure most parents have a similar experience with their child. A time where they saw them squirm because someone or something made them uncomfortable. And I know every parent of a teenager deals with the teenage lack of perspective. Next time you see your kids struggle with that feeling, in addition to honoring that feeling, perhaps you too, could use it as a teachable moment. I prefer moments like these much more than the regretful, “I tried to tell you…” and the “You didn’t listen to me…” moments. Those, while at times inevitable, are much more painful for both parties involved. But a real-life, relatable, crisis-averted, “you felt it too” moment is the best in my book.
Best of luck to all you parents out there, who like me, are searching for direction and begging the universe to cut them a break – or at least allow them to survive. We’re doing it, one lesson, one glass at a time!
