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You think…

You think that 18 years is a long time. After all… YOUR first 18 years seemed to take 2 lifetimes to complete and it feels like ages ago that you were small…

And yet, time seems to speed up as you age and even more as you parent.

I remember when I was pregnant with her. At 21, I knew that my life was going to change dramatically. It was no longer going to fall in line with that of most of my peers and classmates. Naturally, I was a bit afraid… but not so much about what I would lose or how things would change… mostly I was afraid of messing up. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good Mom.

I didn’t plan on becoming a parent at such a young age and in such uncertain circumstances. But the moment I saw that blinking little bean, I wanted nothing more than to be the best mother I could be.

Holding my tiny newborn in my arms, she was my world. I remember saying to an old mom, “I hope I don’t make any mistakes.” “You will,” she said. And I was horrified.

But she was right. I would of course make many mistakes… everyone does.

1 week old and someone shamed me for not yet giving her a submersed bath… so I did. Forgetting that the reason I hadn’t, was because her umbilical cord hadn’t yet fallen off. It never did dry out properly after that and her pediatrician had to apply silver nitrate to get it off. I blamed myself for getting pushed into something my gut knew better. I vowed to never let that happen again… and I wish I could say that held true. Though the times I regretfully relented are few and far between. I’m pretty stubborn that way.

The days are long with little ones and the tasks are endless. No more running to the store just to pick up a few things… now it’s a production to find shoes, buckle car seats, push a cart and pull a toddler and battle the constant “I want”s. It’s so consuming, you often feel like you’ve lost yourself. No longer “Amanda” but “Mommy.” Every day, over-exerted and over-stimulated. You think you’ll be here forever. Still, you can’t help but watch them while they sleep.

You see other parents with school aged children and you think you have so much time… it seems like such a different world… busier almost and yet freeing… you can’t decide if you’re yearning for the break during the day or afraid of what lies behind those brick walls. It’s hard to believe your sweet little one will one day morph into the squawking and awkward, flailing limbs that race through the playgrounds and down the street.

But time holds for no one and somehow amidst the sleepless nights, endless messes and toddler tantrums… you find yourself buying crayons instead of sippy cups, picking out book bags and lunch boxes, meeting teachers and arranging play dates. It all happens so quickly. You see a mom with an infant and you realize that without even feeling it… you are the school aged mom… and time wasn’t so long after all.

And you are sucked into the time warp that is life and raising babes… one busy day running into the next.

You see other parents with older children and you hear their laments… the attitudes and the eye rolls and the constant pushing of limits and you think you have so much time before you are no longer their favorite person… but time goes faster when you age and faster still when you parent.

Soon one day… in the midst of surviving one school day, one parent-teacher conference, one soccer game to the next … you realize you are buying lip stick and razors. And play dates have morphed into “Hey Mom, I’m going to Maggie’s house!” And while you are thankful for their friendship and her confidence, you are skeptical of what happens there… “Who is going to be home?” You watch her walk down the street… “Text me when you get inside.” You’re relieved to prepare dinner without incessant interruption… but you watch the clock for them to come home. And then they call, “Hey, can I stay for dinner?”, while you stare at your own full pot. “Sure.”

You see the parents of teenagers and the bifold angst and independence they exude. Despite the occasional eye roll and sigh, yours still hold so much innocence and desire to please, you think surely, you have plenty of time before they turn into the aloof teens you’ve seen loitering the bus stops, convenient stores and basements. Surely, yours won’t curse or dress outlandishly or want a boyfriend for ages to come.

And then, seemingly overnight… their hormones take over and they are no longer the child they once were. Where you once ached for a moment alone, you now lie awake in worry over their absence. Big kids come with bigger challenges and you sigh at the things that used to upset you… like soggy umbilical cords and mismatched clothes. You are proud of their accomplishments and frustrated by their shortcomings, grateful for the time you have to yourself and terrified of the horrors that might await them. You’ve traded your fatigue for emotional exhaustion and you long for the days when life was simpler.

Yet that loveable awkwardness has melted into stunning beauty. She is more woman now than child and you revel at all that she is becoming, despite the pain.

Still, you see the parents of adult children and you think you have so much time. Highschool is this whole life phase, and yet it passes the quickest of them all. In the midst of new jobs, asking for rides and learning to drive, arguments about boundaries, and lessons learned hard… in one exhausting blow… 18 is staring you in the face and while you’ve silently been begging for relief… you are now simultaneously wishing they could stay and tearfully nudging them to go… relieved to have made it this far and wishing in some ways, you could start over and do it all again…

Hoping, praying, begging that I did a good enough job.

Every stage of parenthood brings with it more humility and you wonder how you’ve made it this far with so little instruction. Yet, you use this fact to excuse your mistakes… because by now, they are many.

I’ve said things I wish I hadn’t said… in a tone I wish I hadn’t used. I withheld things that I wish I had given… and I gave things that I wish I had withheld. I wish positive reinforcement came easier to me. And despite the fact that I wish I hadn’t been so afraid… I also wish I could have protected her more. And as hard as I worked to be home as much as possible and to be present in their every moment… as many fun trips, cool experiments and legendary parties as we had… I somehow I wish we had snuggled and read and played more.

I know that I am a good Mom. But I wish I were better.

Someone once told me that if you weren’t at least a little worried about being a good parent… then you probably weren’t doing it right. I suppose that is probably true.

Still I am proud of the life and the family we have built. I have two awesome kids, with awesome personalities. We road trip and have family game night. They smile for pictures and share both stupid memes and honest insight with me. They think I am both “kinda cool” and “stupidly strict”. They are kind to others and they love one another fiercely.

As she makes her plans to move forward and spread her wings, I want to cry and ask her to stay… but in doing so, I’d only convert the cause of my tears. For then, I’d be crying over her unfulfilled dreams. By now I’ve learned that their failures and successes have a direct tie to my heart… and frightening as their independence is, I must fight for their success… all the while, preparing in the event that they fail.

Despite every challenging moment, every difficult phase, every feeling of overwhelm, heartache and pain… despite the sacrifices and the endless worry… motherhood is still my greatest journey. I look in the mirror and I see the gray hairs, well earned. I look back on the memories and I know that we have lived and loved well.

And I know that it’s not over… Perhaps I’ll even look back on this post in 15 years with the same sigh I view my sorrows in last 15. I’m just sad that this chapter went by so fast.

18 years is a long time… you think.

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Solstice

“Winter solstice, also called hibernal solstice… when the path of the Sun in the sky is farthest south…. At the winter solstice the sun travels the shortest path through the sky, and that day therefore has the least daylight and the longest night.” In the Northern Hemisphere, this falls on December 21 or 22.- Encyclopaedia Britannica

If ever there was a year that the light felt far away and the darkness seemed to linger too long… this might be the year.

It’s not my most painful year by far… but the longevity and the constant stream of challenges has been remarkable. Instead of a sudden, gut-punching blow, this has been more of a slow bleed… and I am weakening from the anemia. I am tired, sore and sad.

Pain and sadness have always drawn me inside myself- be it emotional pain and grief or physical pain. While at first onset, I am unsettled… after a period, it draws me inward; and there, in my own shadows, I am afforded the opportunity to allow the pain to transform me- to become bitter-or- to reflect and learn, and become better. The choice is mine.

I reflect on my many moments of pain-my brother’s death, childbirth, accidents and illnesses, holding my first stillborn, saying good-bye to foster children, burying a beloved pet, losing a patient… the moments are many… and every time, I went inward.

I was both a nurse and a mother of two when my grandmother died slowly from cancer, cancer she elected not to treat as it was end stage when it was discovered. I remember that she would keep busy with small projects and pray when the pain was at its worst- a distraction and a novena of sorts for a devoutly religious woman. While I processed the loss, I reflected on the myriad of feelings that came to surface. I tried to apply my hospital training to at-home hospice, all the while guiding my children through their first experience of death. Secretly, I hated her martyrdom. Pain should be avoided not coddled, I believed.

But pain, I’ve come to learn, is inevitable.

While some know this old foe better than others, no one is afforded a life without it. And the timing of our meetings are rarely anticipated- leaving us unguarded and taken aback by its arrival.

Acceptance is never immediate. At first the pain is an intruder and your reaction is rejection, discontent and a drive to fight the force that is ailing you.

But with time, your energy eases and your senses soften as your stance melts and you bend to sit. It’s not martyrdom or loss but surrender. Surrender to the transformation at hand.

And then, the very darkness you at first, jumped to slay, changes form… the shadows shift and you no longer see a foe… but an old friend… and you ease further and commune, settling in as you settle into an old chair.

And it is in that place, where the light meets the dark that you will find your greatest revelations, if you allow them. Your eyes need time to adjust and to filter the light from the dark. And so long as you don’t stray too far from the light… if you allow yourself to sit in the shadows for a time… allow the process, if you allow the surrender… the darkness becomes your teacher.

For a week I wondered, why? Why the week before an already challenging Christmas am I in pain again… but pain is never well-timed… or is it?

Tonight, with the Winter Solstice approaching… I realize it is not an assault but my old teacher returning.

For many cultures, the solstice is a deeply spiritual time, full of sacred ritual and reflection. The long night affords more time for such inward thoughts and revelations.

This year has been hard and every part of my self feels it. My heart, my mind and my body are exhausted. I am a caregiver by both nature and profession and this global pandemic, along with life, has depleted me. Perhaps this pain was my calling to rest.

Busy with work, busy with packing/unpacking, busy with homeschooling, buying and chores… for a time I allowed myself to be consumed by tasks, when what my soul really needed was rest and time- time with the people I love, well spent, not rushed.

And yet, I am kept away from so many of the people I love. Never have I missed family and friends more than I do now. And I vow to remember this…

Life and love are the greatest of blessings- never should they be taken for granted.

To simply awaken every day is a gift- a gift denied to so many this year. Furthermore, to be afforded people that love you and that in turn, accept your love, are what makes life so rich. Relish in that love while you have it. Be present. Listen. Take it all in. Feel. Invest in the people and moments that matter. Loneliness is the void of every day joys we ache for when they are taken from us.

Yet not every person is worth the energy it takes to create such moments and sustain such bonds. Pain helps to sort out worthy relationships-the people that understand, the people who offer support, the people who remember, the people who stand by and hold your hand until you are whole again. Pain builds a shell that only the worthy take the time to chip away. It is a blessing to know who your allies are. Don’t let the fair-weather friend distract you from your loyal companion. Those who walk through the valleys with you… should never be forgotten or taken for granted.

Nor should your abilities. The ability to walk, talk, see, think… to use our bodies to explore, create, learn and produce goodness… that is a tremendous gift. Many people have learned just what it was to take taste and smell for granted. Over and over, I’ve read accounts of people crying when their senses began to return after a covid infection. And yet these experiences are not a new phenomenon- The vet who lost his legs. The elder whose sight has clouded away. The accident that robbed one of their ability to hear… How easy it is to jump out of the bed and run to the phone… until you’ve lost the ability to walk…and talk… To see someone’s face… until you go blind… To hear the laughter and music of the season until your ears no longer process sound. Today I am choosing to marvel in my abilities.

And I am choosing to marvel in my blessings-my family, my home, a full refrigerator and warmth- just a few enormous blessings denied to so many right now.

Joy and connectedness are not lost- with the tremendous technology available to us. Technology that allows us to watch our holiday favorites on the screen, listen to the tunes of the season, have gifts and goods delivered to our doorsteps, and video calls to see our loved ones faces and share in each other’s moments in an alternative way.

While the darkness affords us the time to reflect, the solstice is also a celebration of the re-birth of the sun, the survival of the longest night and the gain of light to come. I am so incredibly grateful for my bounty and yet, oh, how I yearn for better days to come…

As I sit in this ecliptic state, my blessings are illuminated by the light. They are what I am choosing to set my gaze upon. And yet to see them, I had to sit in the dark for a time. As I continue on my journey, I aim to hold steadfast, my focus on such blessings, but I will not deny the darkness. I am entitled to my grief-from wherever it comes, or however big or small it seems to others. I will honor both the struggle and the reward, the blessings and pain; because one cannot exist without the other.

The solstice is “a time to set goals and intentions for the coming year, to examine and let go of our past, and to make changes within ourselves”… It is “a personal awakening.”-Jessica Booth, Bustle.

This is not the way I would have chosen to spend my holiday season- in pain, away from family and friends, removed from so many meaningful traditions. And yet it’s a year I’ve been afforded so many blessings. And it’s an opportunity to reflect and better myself-to awaken. Perhaps in this time of great unrest, this solstice may be the most meaningful yet… straddling both the light and the dark and embracing them both… A restful hibernation, all the while welcoming a rebirth… as pain and struggle always offer a transformation… and the world circles the star… yet again.

solstice | Definition & Facts | Britannica

What Does The Winter Solstice Mean Spiritually? It’s Celebrated In Tons Of Religions And Cultures (bustle.com)

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“I see you”…an amended version of the winter time holiday post

This is a post that I created as a grief worker, for my patients and families, but I thought others could benefit as well. Grief is a common theme on this blog and in the world right now.

As we handle not only our grief and this current covid-19 crisis, but also the season and the holidays that we are amongst, some of us may find ourselves struggling now more than usual. Mother’s Day is approaching, and then Father’s Day and there are a number of religious holidays as well. Whatever holidays you may or may not acknowledge, or wherever you are on your grief journey, I hope that this post helps a little.

 

Dear friend,

I see you. I see you sitting at the table, hot cup of coffee/tea in your hand…and a pause…that you wish would go away…or last forever. A desire to move on…or to freeze and be lost in thought, anything but to deal with the outside world right now. I see the struggle to decorate, the struggle to participate, the struggle to smile.

I see that you are tired. I see that this is hard. You are not alone.

This isn’t how you want to be. You want to feel “normal”. You want to re-experience the happiness and the joy that you once did this time of year…but just when you start to feel that again…you remember…and then…you’re low again. You’re alone again. You’re tired…again.

Maybe this time of year was never good for you. Maybe it has been a reminder of your trauma since as early as you can remember. Or maybe, it used to be good…and things changed. I don’t know what’s worse- to have never had…or to have had and lost.

Either way, I see you.
And I feel you. You are not alone.

This is a hard, hard time for so many people, myself included. This is what I have learned:

Sometimes, it never is the same again or the way we wish it would be. Sometimes, loss forever changes us; but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find happiness and value, despite our pain.

Finding a way to give back, attaches purpose and positivity to the season. This may look different right now, as we are dealing with this current health crisis; and the typical ideas may not be feasible (ie. volunteering at soup kitchens, handing out bags to the homeless, visiting animal shelters, etc.) But there are other ways to give back- even in quarantine!

This past Easter weekend, my kids and I painted Easter egg rocks and secretly delivered them to the porches and mailboxes in our neighborhood. Hardly anyone was out and if they were, we simply crossed the street to maintain proper social distancing. Painted rocks are a lovely surprise anytime and don’t have to be holiday themed or meet any particular artistic expectation.

Random acts of kindness know no bounds. A porch drop-off of surplus supplies/goods, a kind letter or card dropped in someone’s mailbox “just because”, paying for the car behind you if you happen to go through a drive-through, a virtual concert to share your talents (singing, playing an instrument, a comedy skit, etc. doesn’t have to be limited to the professionals) or even caroling from a distance- ring the door bell and then run out to the yard/sidewalk and burst into song/ dance. Some people are using their sewing or manufacturing talents during this time to make and donate meals, cloth masks or plastic face shields to essential workers. And many donation pages are also set up through hospital websites and other organizations if a monetary donation is more your style. Purchasing gift cards from small businesses works too!

 

Good deeds are scientifically proven to improve happiness. With no obligation, no price point to match, nobody over-seeing you…find your own way to give-back…and let the magic happen!

And a smile or a kind word is immeasurable to the person receiving it. The world always needs kindness and that is always free!

Rituals and traditions-however mundane or silly they might seem at times, help toimprove mental health outcomes. Not only do they give us something to look forward to- the game that we always play, the recipe or the restaurant that we always enjoy, or the “thing” we always do…but they also decrease anxiety because, whether we realize it or not, traditions within a family/group, are predictable. Whether you like the tradition or not… the fact that you know that it’s coming, makes it less anxiety-provoking than the unknown because it provides a sense of “what to expect”.

This spring however, is filled with unknowns. Many traditions may have been challenged or amended this year due to the quarantine. I hope you were able to find a way to continue some of them- like we painted rocks instead of dying eggs, and had a zoom meeting with family instead of visiting face to face. Games too can be played via Facetime, Zoom, WhatsApp and the like. And hopefully you had enough groceries to make something that felt “special”, even if it wasn’t your usual beloved recipe. Carry-out/delivery is also a feasible option from some restaurants.

If you don’t already have long-standing traditions, start them! Let this year be the beginning, so that future years reap your ritualistic rewards. Oftentimes the best traditions, emerge from a challenging or less than ordinary experience. Perhaps the break from family even felt like a relief this year. Maybe for some, it gave you a welcome excuse to stay home for once.

And yet for others, the change in tradition, may have triggered additional feelings of loss. And that is a normal and expected reaction with what we are all dealing with, compounded now with your pre-existing grief.

To manage that grief, self-care is essential– and that doesn’t have to mean the spa… (cuz nobody’s going to the spa right now!) But finding your old bath salts, drawing a hot bath and playing some soothing music on your phone, in the safety of your own home, works too! While cooking/creating can feel like a chore sometimes…it can also be a wonderful method of self- care. There is something very therapeutic, very maternal, very practical and satisfying about cooking or creating a gift (instead of buying one) for our loved ones. Make a recipe you’ve been wanting to try, bake a loaf of bread and do a porch delivery or enjoy it yourself. Consider building a photo book/calendar, painting a canvas or ceramic, drawing, writing a poem/letter, putting in a garden, making homemade bird seed ornaments or dog treats. If it feels pressured or overwhelming, than we’ve missed the point, but if it provides distraction and a sense of accomplishment… then well done! You have experienced self-care, with a practical multi- purpose.

You don’t owe anyone, anything… Ok, so if you are a caregiver of dependents…you’ll have to pull it together for them. But other than that… I hope that this current change in the way the world operates, helps people to realize that the world will go on without all the hustle and bustle- we don’t have to be involved in a million different activities to still lead a fruitful life. While some people may find themselves with more free time than they wished for, others, like essential workers or those trying to work from home in a less than ideal environment, might feel overwhelmed and less productive than they wished they were. We need to give ourselves extra grace right now. This season might be self-preservation-mode for you. Doing what you are comfortable doing, is enough!

 

Create boundaries. Just because you might be home now, doesn’t mean you have to be “available” all the time. Establish days/times that you are “on” and give yourself enough time to be “off”. Know when you are approaching your limit and verbalize that to the people who need to hear it. For your mental as well as your physical health, protect your heart and your energy. If you’re working from home, try not to work in bed, and change out of your sleep-wear- so as not to confuse your mind when it’s time to sleep. And even within your home, it may be helpful to create a “safe zone”. I have a small house and I’ve been using my car as my escape plan when I need to step away for a minute-and it usually stays parked in the driveway. But it gives me a locked away place to put up my feet and play some therapeutic music and just “get away” for a few minutes.

Energy is precious-create and preserve it when you can. When I am in grief, I have learned that I can have one really good, productive and social day. One day when I’m acting like I’m back to my old self and it feels like “the old days”… and then, I’m exhausted again. The next day, both mentally and physically, I have nothing else left to give. Learn what your patterns are. If this is true for you…then don’t schedule more than one “busy” day back-to-back. You can always spontaneously add activities if you are feeling up to it, but don’t set yourself up for failure by committing to more than you are comfortable doing. Drink plenty of water and try to eat as healthy as possible– good nutrition feeds our minds and our bodies and allows us to heal faster. And while it is not healthy to stay in bed all day and sunshine and movement is essential, especially now, it is still okay to take a nap when you need it.

I see you.

I see the sadness and the longing in your eyes. I see the heartache that feels as though it will last forever. I see the broken promises and the shattered dreams.

I see that you are tired. Tired of treading water. Tired of feeling sad and overwhelmed. Tired of crying.

You feel small. You feel unheard and un-noticed. You see their smiles and you hear their laughter and you want to join in… but tears and the urge to curl into a ball feel stronger than the muscles that could turn the sides of your mouth upwards.

You are not alone.

You are loved and you are important.

I urge you to step out of what you think life should look like right now and use this time to discover the real significance of this season. This season of rebirth. Allow this quiet, reflective time to heal and nurture and love. If you feed that…it will feed you in return. And blessings will come, even in your darkest hours.

 

You can do this. You will survive this!

tear-drop pic black and white

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Life is unpredictable

Life is unpredictable and its demands come in ebbs and flows…

My life is incredibly demanding right now. I’m working 4 jobs and the 5th one, this blog, whilst my favorite, is the least profitable….making it now more of a hobby/therapy and less of a “job”. And then there’s my roles as a mother and a wife and a human being; and those roles are no less demanding than the 4 I clock-in for.

I started this blog a year and a half ago and promised myself I’d keep it going for at least a year. And for a year and a half, I have posted every week. Last week, I missed my first post. And this week, I’ve again got nothing prepared.

I adore being able to write freely, of my own subject matter and to share my thoughts with you my followers…and the world. To date, lifelibertyandlibations.com has had 4,957 views and has been read by people in 43 different countries. How cool is that?!

But in order to remain insightful and therapeutic in my approach, I can’t just start cranking out crap just to get a post up. Nor can I extend myself beyond my limits.

So, please be patient with me…weekly posts are likely not to happen right now. But as I have time and am inspired, I will continue to post. The Sunday edition is on a bit of a hold…But writing is still my greatest therapeutic outlet and a talent and passion I intend to continue to pursue, as life and time allows.

Thanks for following, for reading, for connecting…as a fellow human just trying to keep my head above the water and navigate this crazy thing we call Life.

-Amanda

 

 

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Excuse the break

This writer, nurse, mother, adventurer, is busy adventuring with her family. With extremely limited internet access, there was no post this week. She’ll be back in all her writing glory soon. For now, get off the couch and go find your own adventure!

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Think of it as the Sunday edition :)

cropped-savannah-pic.jpgWith school re-starting and the addition of another job, keeping up with my 2-3 posts a week has been a challenge. In an effort to save my sanity but continue my committment to blog for at least a year, as well as to provide quality posts … I am going to cut my posts down to once a week. I want my posts to be intentional and worthy of your viewing. Just as it can be a challenge for me to keep up with writing, you too may find it a challenge to keep up with reading :)

So, my plan is to release a post every Sunday!

Thank you for all who have supported me in this adventure and have encouraged me to write. I really am enjoying it and am anxious to see where it takes me. For now, I am using it as a vessel to share positive points of view, to practice and improve my art and as a method to build a portfolio for future writing jobs. Please continue sharing and liking my posts if you deem them worthy. The number of views I receive is how my blog gains merit in the world of blogging.

If you missed them … last Sunday I shared an article about Anxiety and paralleled it to snorkeling in the Florida Keys, a real experience for me and a timely post given the damage from hurricane Irma. And this Sunday I released an article about Apples, which included some brief thoughts about this autumnal fruit and some simple drink recipes for the season.

Thanks for following and don’t forget to subscribe! You’ll find the link on my homepage at lifelibertyandlibations.com

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Happy Sunday from Life Liberty and a little bit of Libations!

Not seeing an article every week? Maybe you’re missing my FB posts…subscribe to the blog and it will send the posts to your e-mail! I don’t send advertisements or silly posts, only the posts that I publish to the blog will go to your e mail. Please feel free to share anything you like! I know I’m over-due for a libations post. Look for a frozen summer drink post to be coming soon 🙂

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Here goes nothing….Or something….

I am so technology deficient….this has certainly been a challenge and an adventure. Blogging is a new frontier for me. But for me, writing is therapy and blogging is the new-age format for writers who want to share their work. As I pursue writing more, this will be a way publishers can view my work and my friends and family can enjoy them as well-without clogging up my FB page 😉 Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me to keep writing. Hope you enjoy the ride with me…here’s goes nothing!