Category: Poetry

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Time

If I had more time…

I’d write more, dance more, love more… I’d have more friends… I’d make more and take more adventures… I’d sleep more, self-soothe more, pause more. With more time for me, there’d be more of me to share with others.

If only there were just a few more hours in each day… I’d be better, do better… life would be better… with more time.

But in the quiet, I remember… life is nothing but time… it’s how we choose to spend that time that shapes and defines our lives. And I remember the lives that I’m molding, shaping, saving. Despite my feelings of inadequacy, I suppose there’s no greater thing to do with that time…

That time that I’ve been given… the ticker that started 40 years ago and has a battery life that is unknown to all but the highest power. In a blend of quiet reflection and panic, I wonder, I plead, for a lot more time.

Here I am, gifted with this vessel of- time to invest in the present moment, time to make every difference, time to build and create. Sitting on a pile of forty albeit hard, still blessed years, like coins of gold, I determine how they are spent… and yet here I am, unsatisfied and selfishly asking, pleading, for more.

Perhaps it’s not “more” that I need. After all, there is no bank to withdraw more of this precious currency of life. But instead, perhaps I need an advisor… an analysis of how it is that I am choosing to spend my minutes, hours. How does each investment serve me? Serve others? What is the overall yield? In this culture of endless “more”s , how much time is frivolously spent on mindless screens and scrolling? What if I could deduct time spent in traffic? On pointless worry? On stewing? On regret?

“Time is the apparent progression of events from past to future… the evolution of time appears to be continuous and irreversible.” *

There is no going back and no speeding forward. There is only ever, right now.

From my quiet place, that place that feeds my soul and allows for slow and beautiful growth… I pause and stand. Putting my best foot forward, I reset my goals to speak only truth and kindness- and to correct my missteps without dwelling on them. To notice life and beauty, everywhere. To make a difference, in ways both big and small- a smile at a stranger, time to talk to the lonely, efforts to grow and watch grow, pause to soak in the sunshine, the songs of the birds, the laughter of my children and the playful eye of my lover. To wipe my tears and tend to my fragility, to courageously feed my strength.

My hourglass hides in the clouds and I know not how many grains remain in the glass enclosure, but I reset… not to ask for more… but to treasure each one that hangs in the balance and then falls. For in that grain, holds a million opportunities for greatness. And they each belong to me.

*Quote by Paul Sutter, an astrophysicist article on Livescience.com

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February

February is frozen.

A winter walk in a black and white world. The trees are naked, but the ground sparkles.

I step off the snowy white, one foot onto black. In an instant, my feet are swept from underneath, and I slam into the cold, hard ice, disoriented and disillusioned.

Too cold, too hard, too fast to feel the pain. Yet breathless. Struggling, I pull for air. I am outside of myself, looking down. Who is that girl that cries?

Frantic movements, I scramble back to my feet, dust the powder and the frozen tears off my body and my face… There’s a job to be done, people to call, arrangements to be made. No time to mourn, no time to feel. The cold numbs my bones like my heart.

A wintery blast swirls around me and I fall from the sky in the middle of a frozen landscape, tombstones all around me. With each step, the earth crunches underfoot. I am sure that it’s all a nightmare. Soon I will awaken.

Awake and my thoughts are consumed. No longer the girl I once was. Sleep will offer me an escape… or more nightmares…

I am lost and yet they say, “It’s time to move on.” To where? How? I go through the motions like an imposter. The world has four seasons; but I, I am trapped in winter.

A seemingly endless journey, the numbness yields to pain, rage, sorrow. Alone on the frozen tundra, head bowed, one more heavy step… and then another. I scream. But it only echoes.

Regret, longing and questions without answers, wear like a heavy coat, pushing my shoulders down. I sink into the waist-deep snow, wishing it would swallow me whole.

Where is the antidote? Where is the potion I must drink to restore me? Where is the girl that I once knew? The girl before the burgundy casket? That her father wrapped his arms around before it descended into the frozen earth. Before the bronze marker with a rose?

February is for love.

No longer one set of tracks in the snow but two. It’s you!!

An ecstatic embrace… swept into the air, we spin, up, up, up. I wish my feet never again touch earth. Holding you tight, never to let go.

Your warmth like a crackling fire, orange and alive. Hot tears melt my frozen face. And we commune around the flames- our eyes speak the words of a hundred years and for just a moment, every winter star in the sky is aligned.

But as quickly as you came, you go… breaking into a million tiny bits, stars falling from the sky.

I open my eyes. All is dark and you are gone again.

A thousand heavy steps and a-last you are back! New revelations, new truths… endless love…. In my arms I hold you firm…

Then, you’re gone again.

Fire and then frozen darkness. Again and again.

In the distance, a tiny light. A star that clings to the sky? No, a lantern. A cabin in the woods.

February is for respite.

Afraid at first to stop. To think. To feel. Afraid to forget. Comfortable in the cold and yet desperate for relief. The warm glow beckons me… and slowly, I step inside.

I am no longer in black and white. The color adds complexity, and nothing is as it was.

All around me there are pieces of you. A dino on the floor and a stack of books. Black lace. A small penguin on the mantle. A red rose in a vase. And I don’t know whether to smile or run.

I reach for the doorknob, not today. The cold wind blows outside.

But if not today, then when. Fresh tears pour over the edges of my lids and spill down my cheeks- and I wonder when they will stop coming. I close the door and slide to the floor.

I am tired. It is here I shall stay for a while.

A place to pause. To unthaw my frozen laces, to build my own fire, to rest and remember. To hang up the heavy coat of regret, and wrap in a blanket of memories for a bit.

It is comfortable here and yet I am uncomfortable. A place to settle and yet I am unsettled.

Many months go by and I think I recognize the girl I see in the mirror. A new girl, of whom I make my acquaintance. A fresh pot of tea and I sit with her.

Chamomile and white noise… to quiet and soothe, my mind, my heart that still aches …

Though the throb is a bit slower now, a bit quieter. I hear the thumping in my ears and feel the tight squeeze in my chest less often than before.

No longer a fight. Here I rebuild. Here I balance the storm with the shelter. Here I remember.

February is for my brother.

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Each time she is alone…

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She’s wipes a tear

and she makes her bed.

 

She wipes a tear

and she brushes her teeth.

 

She wipes a tear

and calls her children awake.

 

She wipes a tear

and makes her coffee, their breakfast and gives them a second, gentle shake.

 

She organizes and reminds again, of homework, projects and the schedule to come, she prepares and chauffeurs, loves and nurtures, cooks and cleans.

 

On her only break, she finds herself on her knees…

on the kitchen floor, to clean.

 

She wipes a tear

and it turns to a wail

 when no one is around.

Fists clenched, her tears cover the floor and her screams fill the empty house.

 

She wipes her tears

and climbs to her feet.

 

Stumbling to bed, 

she wipes a tear,

sets the alarm, pillow damp, succumbs to sleep.

 

She wipes a tear and grabs the groceries, pulls into the pick up line, helps with homework, sets dinner on the table, heads off to work…and checks the rear view mirror for signs of her self-duress.

 

She wipes a tear

and parks the car.

 

She wipes a tear,

takes a deep breath, clears her mind, sets her intention and prays for relief.

 

And as the sun hits her face, as it does at the store

and in the pick up line,

she slaps on her confidence and joy, her facade that all is fine.

 

They see a smile at first glance,

but no one ever takes the chance,

to look deeper…

or longer…

when she sets that mask aside.

 

Each time she is alone…

she wipes a tear.

 

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Angels and Porcelain Dolls

Life is a series of ups and downs, hard days and easier ones, and not a one of us are spared pain and tragedy. Some tragedies however, are life altering. When they hit, they take away not only our breath, but our sense of self. It is with those moments that we are given the opportunity to rebuild and redefine or to withdraw and lay victim. Neither way is an easy way out, as the human mind and heart are fragile. But in rebuilding, we create a journey of giving back that is simply magnificent.

Here’s to those who at one time, found themselves broken.

 

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You were whole…

Despite the scars, despite the hard days’ work, despite an imperfectly perfect life…you felt safe. You felt whole. A hardened shell, cushioned by a life going right, at the day’s end, your body sank into the bed and the quiet calm of the night soothed you. Comfortable and relaxed, you pulled the covers under your chin and breathing out, you sank further into the softness that surrounded you. Life was predictably unpredictable… and you, an imperfect porcelain doll, scuffed and tattered, but intact and beautiful in your well-loved way.

All was well. All was still.

And then, from out the darkness, with no sound, no preemptive warning, an unspeakable, crushing blow leapt from out the shadows, striking you… and you felt yourself break into a million pieces.

Disoriented at first…and confused. One plastic eye hanging loose from its socket, staring at the floor in disbelief. There is shit everywhere and you’re standing in the middle of it.

Braving a glance in the mirror, you look just in time to see another piece fall out of place. What you once were, is now a pile of debris scattered on the floor. And you no longer know your name.

A faceless, nameless tragedy….time and space stand still. You are numb.

Simultaneously, pain and reality soak in. Like a laboring woman, reflexively, you rock. The pain in your soul is too much to bear and you feel yourself crumbling further, from the inside out. Surely, it is your heart disintegrating under the pressure.

And then finally, in the whirlwind that is your life, the racing circles of rational thought, feeling and physics unite and your tears are accompanied by heaving sobs. Your chest aches and you starve for air as much as you starve for reprieve. You beg the universe for a different truth. Bargaining, you’d give anything to have been spared this blow. The pillow that once brought you peaceful slumber, now stifles your wails.

Bouncing between horror and emptiness, in one moment your heart races with panic and dread…and in the next, there is an absence of thought and emotion. You awaken to find yourself staring into space… gone from reality… gone from your body. Unable to speak, unable to move, your only task is to fill and then empty your lungs.

Everything that was before, it seems, has been destroyed. Trust, faith, safety and security, like life-long comrades, lie lifeless amongst the list of causalities. Robbed of your former happiness and ease, you are broken. And the life you once knew, is gone.

Two bare legs, thin and pale, dangle off the bed where you sit- speechless and motionless. As the sobs slow and your breathing again regains some sort of rhythm, you gather your energy and your courage. Easing yourself off the edge of the bed, you crouch to the floor. Slowly and intentionally, you begin to pick up the pieces. Gathering them in your bleeding hands, you are sure you will never be whole again.

Alone in your space, depleted simply by standing and holding what your life once was close to your heart… hands trembling, in a weak and cracking voice, you use the slightest wisp of energy to call out for “Help.”

Expecting your voice to merely echo into the darkness, you are surprised when the doorway fills with light.

Silently and floatingly from the other side, angels move in. One by one, carefully selecting piece-by-piece out of your hands, tenderly, they fill each broken space. With their words and their hearts, gluing each piece back. “Tell me I will be whole again” you cry, as silently, they work. As they mend and you surrender, you begin to see your form take shape again. Knowing that you could not rebuild alone, you revel in their aid. Still you resolve, you will never again be the same.

Time passes and still you gasp for words. Exhausted and aching from every joint, you glance once again into the mirror. Relieved to see the pieces of your life put back into place, you can’t ignore your blessings… but neither can you ignore the fracture lines that remain. Whole again, and yet, still so shattered… your voice quivers when you try to speak, so broken you hardly believe where it’s coming from.

Night falls and anxiety erupts, sabotaging the safety you once felt. Your bed is no longer a safety nest and your room, no longer a sanctuary. You breathe and you imagine and you pray, begging to feel the wholeness the rest of the world sees in you, the wholeness you once felt.

Angel voices whisper in your ears and silently, you respond to the figure in your reflection. “You are strong.” “You are brave.” “You are resilient.” And from the light of the angels, a sliver of hope pierces your heart, “goodness can come from tragedy.” Believing those words, you long for the day that you will regain your voice and your strength. You know you are a survivor and your story will one day be told.

Today you will rest, tomorrow you will crawl… and one day, with grit and knowledge and the pain-staking work of healing, you will fly.

For the broken doll, will one day become the angel- called upon in another’s darkest hour, to minister and mend another broken soul. Your light will fill her doorway when she gains the courage to call for help. And when you reach to pick up her broken pieces, she will see on your hands, the fracture lines…and in your eyes and soul, your strength and undying love.

 

Saviors often wear the deepest scars. Scars are always tougher than uninjured tissue. It takes grace and hard work, not to yield to bitterness and anger. Compassion, wisdom and empathy can be the byproducts of trauma, if instead of shutting the world out, you call for help and accept it… if you work to heal, instead of pushing the pain away.

To every doll standing in the mirror, seeing their missing pieces… broken as you may feel today… if you take the time and do the work, you will one day heal and grow wings.

And to all of the angels, who have at one time or another, answered one’s frail call for help, may you forever know that your pain created a strength that carried them. And the glue that is your love, is ever-lasting.

Perhaps, life is just a series of breaks and mends… some days we are the doll… and if we do it right… some days, we get to be the angel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Not now

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Clinking the last dish into the drainer, she dries her hands and the single tear running down her cheek. “Self care” she hears her therapist say, in the echoes of her ever chattering mind.

Walking past the unvacuumed floors and today’s untended mail, she makes her way to the washroom and draws herself a bath. Bending over to place the stopper, steam drifts towards her face…and another tear falls, joining the tiny ocean she is building.

The same clothes she’s been wearing for two days now, falls to the floor. Stepping into the hot liquid, she remembers the mound of laundry waiting for her…“Not now”, she thinks.

Saturated and soaking in the steamy bath, islands of bubbles float around her body like lonely continents and collect at her breasts. The warm water soothes her aching muscles, releasing the pain from her soft tissue and pushing it into the bony prominences of her spine that lies flat against the hard bottom of the bathtub. Plump, pink feet propped on the stone wall in front of her, she judges their pudgy appearance, yet, welcomes the cool air that envelops her lower extremities, a reprieve from the heat that her body is soaked in.

She is tired.

She wishes the walls of this tub would melt away and that the water were an ocean that she could float away in.

She wishes that lying down would relieve the weight she’s been carrying on her shoulders, as if it were a backpack…weight that feels extra heavy today.

Closing her eyes, she imagines that weight falling backwards into the white walls of the tub, giving her small frame and her soul a break for just a moment. And she floats, suspended in the warm, soapy basin.

The un-quiet of her mind quickly opens her eyes again and staring at the ceiling, she notices a spot of mildew. Her mind wanders to another task that needs tending; but she takes that thought and puts it on a leaf in her mind and watches it float down the river…“Not now…” she whispers.

“Not now” when the office calls for yet another “favor”, “Not now” when her mother starts to criticize, “Not now” when a girlfriend comes just to gossip, “Not now” when life asks for more than she can give.

Now, she tends to her “self”. Now, she takes a break. Now, she lets her body rest…and begs her mind to do the same. Now, she starts to heal.

She is not a laggard. She is a castaway who has given every ounce of energy her body could produce. And she is exhausted. Swimming without a life raft, tossed like debris in the angry seas of life, storms raging around her, head bobbing, she has surfaced from the crashing waves, but she is choking. In a moment of desperation, she reaches for a passing piece of driftwood and clutching it, she collapses. She is in survival mode.

She wishes it hadn’t come to this. She wishes it weren’t such a heavy blow which brought her to realize her self-worth…and self-preservation. She wishes she had reached for help sooner. She wishes she had saved more reserves for the swim. She wishes she felt more sure of the land she was floating towards.

Nonetheless, she is floating. After she rests, she will swim.

And then, one day, one day when her feet once again feel earth, she will run.

But not now…

Now, under the moon’s gentle light…in the quiet of an empty house, despite every lie the universe tries to whisper…she tells her self… “You are enough…right now.”

 

 

 

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Reading Cards and Reaching for Rainbows: If I could talk to my child self

 

A tarot-card reader once made me a proposition…

To do a silent reading, for this skeptic on a mission.

The results would be sealed for years, to prove its accuracy,

protecting fate from interruption and yet satisfying my curiosity.

 

I never took her up on it… for fear that I would cheat

and open the envelope for an illegal peek.

I was afraid I might change it, if I knew what my fate held…

Like the tampering with history or a misguided spell.

 

Still I wonder… Was this always the plan?

The choices and happenings, that built this lifespan…

Did they build the person? Or did the person built it?

Was the mold pre-determined? Or the pieces built to fit?

Did my life circumstances come to inspire?

Or was my discontent the fuel to my fire?

 

If I could go back and let that child know,

all that was to come, all she’d have to show…

Would she have slacked off and stopped working so hard?

Or was her life’s journey always in the cards?

 

Nevertheless, I wish I could’ve told her:

That the day would come, that someone would hold her,

someone would love her and treasure her gifts.

That she was the captain, not a piece of wood drift.

 

That intentional choices and decisions that were good,

would eventually bring the life that these things should.

But she’d have to be patient and be willing to roll

with a lot of life’s punches, many she can’t control.

 

That the nights as a child, spent lying awake,

wishing the world had sent some other fate…

Would grow into inspiration, to take a child in

and give them the world- a new chance to begin.

 

Life is not easy, but blessings must not be missed-

every chance, every encouragement, every time the soul’s kissed.

Like jewels in the rough, hidden in the darkest days,

are quiet, kind angels who will help you along the way.

 

They’ll give you small glimpses of how sweet it can be,

if you work hard, choose right and take the time to see

the beauty and blessings in all places- light and dark.

Seek to understand, judgements miss the mark.

 

And in your adolescence, the rebellion, emotions and rage,

the poor choices, screaming and feeling like being caged…

will give you the experience and the wisdom to guide

your own gorgeous kin, navigating life and their delicate, dark side.

 

College and four jobs, eighteen going on thirty-

will teach you how to work hard and not fear getting dirty.

You’ll be jealous of others and think it’s not fair.

But my darling, one day… you’ll reap more than your share.

 

Rich not in money, but in love and compassion,

your journey will be hard but driven by passion.

The world is in need of the talents you hold.

Love is the answer, not a heart that’s turned cold.

 

Many relationships, I’m afraid, will come and go.

And each one, holds a lesson that you will need to know.

And then you will choose to love a man twice your age,

scandal at the time, but a love that becomes a gauge.

 

For when your own children come into their self,

they will hold that marriage up like a treasure on a shelf.

And with their future partners, they will compare

the way they are treated, with the love that you share.

 

The bad break-ups and hard lessons, the mistakes and the losses-

merely sticky plaque, that building character soon flosses.

Boring you’d be, not experiencing these things,

You’d lack meaning and depth, a marionette hanging from strings.

 

And yet it is hard, living a life of hard knocks.

My god how it hurts, when yet another shoe drops;

But hard work pays off and rainbows follow storms.

You’ll make it into happiness and help redefine the “norms”.

 

And when you do, humble as it will be…

You’re job is to reach back and help others see:

That beauty and love forever exist

and the opportunity to help, should never be missed.

 

Pick your head up little girl, you’re stronger than you know,

Your fate lies not in cards but the way your heart grows.

Turn your pain into purpose and tears into dreams,

Now go make them happen, life’s sweeter than it now seems.

 

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This not so random day in October

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Her wrinkled hands hold back the curtains and she stands and stares as the colored leaves once again begin to fall…and she remembers his face, on this not so random day in October.

She takes her morning walk, like she does every morning. But today, in the crisp air, her gaze is distracted and her pace is a little slower. She still stops for coffee at Betty Lou’s, but today, she’s a little quieter. “You look tired, my dear,” her friend takes note. A nod and a small, forced smile is her only reply. She finishes her walk home and notices the middle-aged man helping his elderly parent out of the car. The old mother once again feels that dull ache, on this chilly, not so random day in October.

Clearing out her office, before the winter weather begins again, before she’s too old to enjoy living, before time robs her of what is left, she begins to fill her empty box. The pictures and the diplomas that once hung on busy walls, leave lonely nails in their place. In her perfectly manicured hands, she holds the frame of a photo that makes her pause. It wasn’t the employee of the year award or the doctorate degree, but a single photo with a silent sign that only she could see. She strokes her silver hair and is lost in thought as she stops to reflect. 30 years at the same office, and no one ever noticed that she always requested vacation, every year, on this not so random day in October.

What a beautiful wedding! Bright orange and yellow mums and sweet little acorns on the tables, the sign of new beginnings. The band plays and the people dance and young love fills the air. And as happy as she is for the perfect match…when the beaming groom takes his mother’s hand….the music seems to quiet and the twinkling lights stop. In her world, time stands still and a small tear sneaks past the tiny wrinkles around her eye. With a smile on her face, her heart still longs for him, on this festive, not so random day in October.

Raking the leaves, it’s best to keep busy.  There’s too much to do, to sit and wait. But her mind is full and she wonders when this day will stop being hard. A butterfly lands on the bush beside her, a rare sight this time of year. The orange and black wings beat ever so slowly and her efforts to be productive are paused. “You’d be a senior this year…” she says… and she stops to imagine how his dark hair would’ve come in. I wonder if he had my brown eyes or his Dad’s blues…Would he be a football star? Or a science geek? Homecoming, Prom and Graduation are daunting days ahead that she dreads. And once again, she feels robbed, on this chilly, not so random day in October.

Readying the decorations, she plops two new mums on the front porch and dusts off the old wreath. This is never her favorite time of year, but deception is easier than explaining. Despite her pain, she tries to make the house look welcoming. Halloween will be coming and the kids will be in costume. She wonders what he would’ve wanted to be… A super hero perhaps, or maybe a fire fighter? She can’t decide if the trick or treaters and the bowl of candy she reluctantly empties into their pillow cases is soothing reassurance or a stabbing betrayal. She turns off the phone and sits alone, hot cider in hand, wondering if it will ever get easier… this painful, not so random day in October.

Today she wants to be alone. The little energy she has, she reserves for self care and reflection-there is none left for small talk or busy work. The house is too quiet, so she goes to the trees to be one with her thoughts. Somewhere along the paved path, the painstaking sound of pittering feet come running towards her. Two little red shoes chase a round blue ball and she wants so badly to look and smile; but the reality of her loss averts her eyes. Quickly she runs to the car and back to the house. She buries her head in her pillow and then reaches for his box. Tonight, she’ll lay with his blanket and her heart’s exhaustion will lull her to sleep, on this sorrowful, not so random day in October.

The empty crib was the worst…or was it the look on the doctor’s face when she did the ultrasound? No…no those weren’t the worst…It was the quiet of the room. Yes! That awful, awful quiet when he was born, that, was the worst…the deafening silence when all of her hopes and dreams came crashing into a lifeless little lump wrapped in a blue blanket…and her wails filled the space that his cries should have. Breathing is hard right now. Living is hard right now. Mothering is hard right now. As night falls, her exhausted body collapses into a restless slumber and she is sure that she will never, ever recover, from this horrible, nightmare of a day in October.

It’s the lifetime achievements, the milestones and the memories that she’ll never get. It’s the love that she gave, the laughter that she missed and the heartache that is never ending. It’s the name that no one will say for fear of upsetting her and the name that she whispers every night in her dreams. It’s the face only she stroked and the feet only she kissed. The tears that she cries alone and the story that she hates that she knows.

And it’s the lessons that she’s learned and the hands that she’s held…the tears that she has wiped and the ways that she has understood…it’s the tiny gowns that she has sewn and the meals that she has made…it’s the presence that she is and the changes she has made, for every parent who shares her pain…All done in her son’s name.

Opening the box once more, her wrinkled hands carry the tattered blue blanket back to her chair. And she rubs the soft threads between her smooth finger tips as she nods off into a peaceful slumber. And another leaf falls.

“Momma,” she hears…

Dark brown hair and his father’s crystal blue eyes meet hers…and right away, she knows. She whispers his name and he smiles a smile that she has waited a lifetime to see. “I have so much to tell you….,” he says. And tears of joy stream down her face. Hand in hand they walk into the light, mother and son, together again, on this beautiful, not at all random, day in October.

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Giving a voice to disappointment … “Would you do it again?”

You see a door ahead. You open it. As the light begins to push away the shadows and your vision clears, the door clicks behind you. There is nowhere to go but forward … and still you are consumed by your journey and the thoughts and feelings that saturate you. As the click echoes in the silence and you see what lies ahead, you wonder if you should’ve ever opened that door…

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Sometimes life is full of broken promises,

Sometimes our dreams are like a mirage,

Sometimes our visions become our view of someone else’s life,

longingly looking in, while we stand in the rain.

Not all doors lead to paradise and not all dreams come true.

 

 

If you knew your tears of joy would turn to tears of sorrow…

If you knew your hopes and dreams would turn to nightmares…

If you knew that everything thing the world seemed to promise,

Would be snatched away, leaving you empty-handed and empty hearted…

Would you do it again?

 

If you knew your hard work and best intentions would lead

to heartbreak and tribulations…

If you knew the sweet giggles and bedtime whispers would turn

to screams and defamation…

 

If, in the world of unicorns and rainbows,

of puppies and lovers and babies…

Where everything was simple and hopeful and bright,

A hand entered and you were handed a crystal ball…

Would you do it again?

 

If no one promised you goodness,

If no promised you forever,

If no one promised you a happy ending,

or an answer to your prayer…

 

If your visions were shattered,

and you were left holding a bloodied materpiece from years of picking up the pieces…

Would the broken reflection, soothe or ache inside?

Would you throw it down and run away?

Or would you do it all again? 

 

Would your efforts be of value or in vain?

When life isn’t fair, is it ever fortuitous?

Is love enough to save the world if it couldn’t save you?

Is hope just a blind and ignorant veil that hides your fears or is it courageous?

 

Were the lessons enough to make the journey worthy?

Were the giggles enough to make the screams tolerable?

Were the whispers enough to quiet your nightmares?

Are the memories enough to fill your empty hands?

Was the love enough, to make you do it again?

 

Behind every door is a possibility but not a promise. There is always potential but never any guarantees. And when you turn the knob and step inside, you can never go back to where you were before. If you never open it, you’ll never know.

To all the people, who opened a door and behind it found heartache… Now that you know what was lying on the other side…

with your balled up tissues and life lessons in your lap,

Tell me, would you do it again?

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The Warrior

He never wanted to be a soldier.

He didn’t ask to be called.

He wasn’t trying to save anybody today. That was the martyr’s job.

He didn’t sign up for this shit show.

He just wanted to go to work, stop for lunch, kiss his wife, have a normal day.

What he didn’t know was,  the grass he was walking on was a battlefield.

He didn’t want to fight.

But when the news came reeling, like a studded bat along his right side. Smacking him in his flank, crushing his ribs on contact …. he had two choices –

To lay down and die, or get up and fight.

For the ones he loves, for the sake of continuance, for humanity … he knew no goodness could come from allowing his will to be shattered or his life to be taken.

He choose to fight.

So he clambered to his feet and took a swing.

A pathetic attempt at first, but with each one, and each one after, he gained more power and more precision.

With every painful blow, knocking the wind out of his breath, he fought harder to breathe.

With every slicing cut, he lost more of the vital liquid that sustained his body, his mind and his heart.

With every loss, he created another scar, another endless ache, another painful memory.

And when the blows stopped coming and he collapsed on the ground in respite, getting back up seemed an even harder feat than withstanding the assault. And he hoped that somewhere there was a hand that would reach down to help him off the field.

With tougher skin than he once had, dirt on his face, scars on his heart and the experience of a battle survived but not won, he picked up his weapon. And moved to a safer place.

And the bystander who saw the fight that he fought, calls him a “Warrior” now – a worthy and respectable title.

But a title that he never wanted. From an attack he would’ve done anything to stop. In a fight, he couldn’t run from, though he tried.

Those in the trenches and on the battlefield know, that the resiliency and might that is seen by day is equally shared by wailing at night. And underneath that harden outer shell is a tender organ that still aches when the warrior goes back to that place.

While the world will see his strength; the darkness, knows his weakness.

Warriors don’t just wear camo, they wear heels and skirts, sweatpants and tennis shoes, ties and jackets, skinny jeans and flats, studs and leather.

Heartache and misfortune know no age, race or locale.

Dirt is oftentimes invisible. Pain is misconstrued. And our skin is just a very thin barrier to the life we try to protect underneath.

Everyone, at one point or another will find themselves on a battlefield. For some it is rare and brief and they come away with a few scratches. And others, just can’t seem to escape that scene and their many battle wounds tell the story of a life that has been unfair.

Though the battlefields of life are often hard to see at first glance, if we are astute, if we can look outside of the bubble of self-consumption, we might just see a comrade with pain in his eyes, who is working harder to succeed, to survive, than we are.

If you can’t join him in his fight, at least be the hand he sees when the battle is over.

If your own leg is bleeding, give him your shoulder to lean on.

Cuz one day, it’ll be you … looking through the smoke, asking for a break, hoping for a friend.

Life is one hell of a battle and the amount of times we will find ourselves out in the field, under the barrage of ammunition, isn’t known to us now. But if we are to survive, we must always be prepared to get back up and take another swing, another try. For when we lay down, we die.

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Grief

crying angel

Grief is feeling as though you’ve lost your soul; but knowing that without a soul, you wouldn’t hurt this bad.

 

It is a pain that can’t be numbed by any pill, bottle or syringe.

It is a monster that can’t be out-run or out-smarted. And there is no place to hide.

It is wishing that you could die, but knowing that your death would only cause more grief.

It is being lost in a maze of shadows and not knowing where the fuck to turn.

It is being so consumed by darkness that when a sliver of light sneaks in, it hurts your eyes and burns your skin.

It is begging for a way out and being answered with unbearable silence.

It is the weight of a thousand bricks on your chest, making it hard to breathe.

It is the angst of being buried alive. And just talking, you feel as though you are choking on dirt.

It is lead on your feet, making it hard to get out of bed. Every step is painful, every step is work.

And lead on your heart, cold and stiff, making it hard to feel again.

It is panic and feeling your pulse race … and then devastation … feeling so empty that you’re sure your ventricles no longer contract.

It is a flood of feelings and thoughts so overwhelming that you can’t begin to hear all the voices screaming at you … and in the next minute it is an absence of thought and a miserable feeling of being alone.

It is worry and nagging uncertainty for the future and everything you know.

And it is sorrow and an unbearable longing for the past.

It is anger and impossible frustration for a change that will never happen.

It is pain that has no cure and a journey that seems endless.

And

It is evidence that you loved and lived.

It is a sign of your dedication and humanity.

It is the first step in healing … A long and painful process that leaves scars.

Like waking up out of surgery with no anesthesia on board. Or waking up out of a nightmare, still screaming, before you realize it was a dream. But this isn’t a dream.

It’s the hardest and longest journey, but an inevitable one.

It is the opportunity to sit with your pain and commune with your demons. To make peace with your weakness and to allow your eyes to adjust to the darkness.

It is finding solace in your sorrow. And then,

It is finding the courage to start to crawl. It is finding the strength to break the lead away from your feet … and your heart. And to feel the aching relief as you stand and take your first step. It is breaking down the walls and breaking out of the maze of misery. It is allowing light to pierce your eyes and seeing the world from a different view.

In time, your heart will regain a normal rhythm. Your lungs will learn to breathe again. And the light will one day, no longer hurt your eyes or burn your skin. Your steps will lighten and your stride will hasten.

Your memories will remain of a life you once knew, a life that was simpler and brighter and more comfortable. And those memories will both soothe and ache.

And the impression from the lead on your feet and your heart, the taste of dirt in your mouth, the scars from a loss you will never forget, will always be there.

But they will fade with time.

And as they fade, you will realize the strength and the wisdom that you gained, from surviving your greatest loss.

 

Grief is wishing that you never had a soul … but knowing that without a soul, you never would’ve loved. And sometimes, you just don’t know which is worse.