This is a post that I created as a grief worker, for my patients and families, but I thought others could benefit as well. Grief is a common theme on this blog and in the world right now.
As we handle not only our grief and this current covid-19 crisis, but also the season and the holidays that we are amongst, some of us may find ourselves struggling now more than usual. Mother’s Day is approaching, and then Father’s Day and there are a number of religious holidays as well. Whatever holidays you may or may not acknowledge, or wherever you are on your grief journey, I hope that this post helps a little.
Dear friend,
I see you. I see you sitting at the table, hot cup of coffee/tea in your hand…and a pause…that you wish would go away…or last forever. A desire to move on…or to freeze and be lost in thought, anything but to deal with the outside world right now. I see the struggle to decorate, the struggle to participate, the struggle to smile.
I see that you are tired. I see that this is hard. You are not alone.
This isn’t how you want to be. You want to feel “normal”. You want to re-experience the happiness and the joy that you once did this time of year…but just when you start to feel that again…you remember…and then…you’re low again. You’re alone again. You’re tired…again.
Maybe this time of year was never good for you. Maybe it has been a reminder of your trauma since as early as you can remember. Or maybe, it used to be good…and things changed. I don’t know what’s worse- to have never had…or to have had and lost.
Either way, I see you.
And I feel you. You are not alone.
This is a hard, hard time for so many people, myself included. This is what I have learned:
Sometimes, it never is the same again or the way we wish it would be. Sometimes, loss forever changes us; but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find happiness and value, despite our pain.
Finding a way to give back, attaches purpose and positivity to the season. This may look different right now, as we are dealing with this current health crisis; and the typical ideas may not be feasible (ie. volunteering at soup kitchens, handing out bags to the homeless, visiting animal shelters, etc.) But there are other ways to give back- even in quarantine!
This past Easter weekend, my kids and I painted Easter egg rocks and secretly delivered them to the porches and mailboxes in our neighborhood. Hardly anyone was out and if they were, we simply crossed the street to maintain proper social distancing. Painted rocks are a lovely surprise anytime and don’t have to be holiday themed or meet any particular artistic expectation.
Random acts of kindness know no bounds. A porch drop-off of surplus supplies/goods, a kind letter or card dropped in someone’s mailbox “just because”, paying for the car behind you if you happen to go through a drive-through, a virtual concert to share your talents (singing, playing an instrument, a comedy skit, etc. doesn’t have to be limited to the professionals) or even caroling from a distance- ring the door bell and then run out to the yard/sidewalk and burst into song/ dance. Some people are using their sewing or manufacturing talents during this time to make and donate meals, cloth masks or plastic face shields to essential workers. And many donation pages are also set up through hospital websites and other organizations if a monetary donation is more your style. Purchasing gift cards from small businesses works too!
Good deeds are scientifically proven to improve happiness. With no obligation, no price point to match, nobody over-seeing you…find your own way to give-back…and let the magic happen!
And a smile or a kind word is immeasurable to the person receiving it. The world always needs kindness and that is always free!
Rituals and traditions-however mundane or silly they might seem at times, help toimprove mental health outcomes. Not only do they give us something to look forward to- the game that we always play, the recipe or the restaurant that we always enjoy, or the “thing” we always do…but they also decrease anxiety because, whether we realize it or not, traditions within a family/group, are predictable. Whether you like the tradition or not… the fact that you know that it’s coming, makes it less anxiety-provoking than the unknown because it provides a sense of “what to expect”.
This spring however, is filled with unknowns. Many traditions may have been challenged or amended this year due to the quarantine. I hope you were able to find a way to continue some of them- like we painted rocks instead of dying eggs, and had a zoom meeting with family instead of visiting face to face. Games too can be played via Facetime, Zoom, WhatsApp and the like. And hopefully you had enough groceries to make something that felt “special”, even if it wasn’t your usual beloved recipe. Carry-out/delivery is also a feasible option from some restaurants.
If you don’t already have long-standing traditions, start them! Let this year be the beginning, so that future years reap your ritualistic rewards. Oftentimes the best traditions, emerge from a challenging or less than ordinary experience. Perhaps the break from family even felt like a relief this year. Maybe for some, it gave you a welcome excuse to stay home for once.
And yet for others, the change in tradition, may have triggered additional feelings of loss. And that is a normal and expected reaction with what we are all dealing with, compounded now with your pre-existing grief.
To manage that grief, self-care is essential– and that doesn’t have to mean the spa… (cuz nobody’s going to the spa right now!) But finding your old bath salts, drawing a hot bath and playing some soothing music on your phone, in the safety of your own home, works too! While cooking/creating can feel like a chore sometimes…it can also be a wonderful method of self- care. There is something very therapeutic, very maternal, very practical and satisfying about cooking or creating a gift (instead of buying one) for our loved ones. Make a recipe you’ve been wanting to try, bake a loaf of bread and do a porch delivery or enjoy it yourself. Consider building a photo book/calendar, painting a canvas or ceramic, drawing, writing a poem/letter, putting in a garden, making homemade bird seed ornaments or dog treats. If it feels pressured or overwhelming, than we’ve missed the point, but if it provides distraction and a sense of accomplishment… then well done! You have experienced self-care, with a practical multi- purpose.
You don’t owe anyone, anything… Ok, so if you are a caregiver of dependents…you’ll have to pull it together for them. But other than that… I hope that this current change in the way the world operates, helps people to realize that the world will go on without all the hustle and bustle- we don’t have to be involved in a million different activities to still lead a fruitful life. While some people may find themselves with more free time than they wished for, others, like essential workers or those trying to work from home in a less than ideal environment, might feel overwhelmed and less productive than they wished they were. We need to give ourselves extra grace right now. This season might be self-preservation-mode for you. Doing what you are comfortable doing, is enough!
Create boundaries. Just because you might be home now, doesn’t mean you have to be “available” all the time. Establish days/times that you are “on” and give yourself enough time to be “off”. Know when you are approaching your limit and verbalize that to the people who need to hear it. For your mental as well as your physical health, protect your heart and your energy. If you’re working from home, try not to work in bed, and change out of your sleep-wear- so as not to confuse your mind when it’s time to sleep. And even within your home, it may be helpful to create a “safe zone”. I have a small house and I’ve been using my car as my escape plan when I need to step away for a minute-and it usually stays parked in the driveway. But it gives me a locked away place to put up my feet and play some therapeutic music and just “get away” for a few minutes.
Energy is precious-create and preserve it when you can. When I am in grief, I have learned that I can have one really good, productive and social day. One day when I’m acting like I’m back to my old self and it feels like “the old days”… and then, I’m exhausted again. The next day, both mentally and physically, I have nothing else left to give. Learn what your patterns are. If this is true for you…then don’t schedule more than one “busy” day back-to-back. You can always spontaneously add activities if you are feeling up to it, but don’t set yourself up for failure by committing to more than you are comfortable doing. Drink plenty of water and try to eat as healthy as possible– good nutrition feeds our minds and our bodies and allows us to heal faster. And while it is not healthy to stay in bed all day and sunshine and movement is essential, especially now, it is still okay to take a nap when you need it.
I see you.
I see the sadness and the longing in your eyes. I see the heartache that feels as though it will last forever. I see the broken promises and the shattered dreams.
I see that you are tired. Tired of treading water. Tired of feeling sad and overwhelmed. Tired of crying.
You feel small. You feel unheard and un-noticed. You see their smiles and you hear their laughter and you want to join in… but tears and the urge to curl into a ball feel stronger than the muscles that could turn the sides of your mouth upwards.
You are not alone.
You are loved and you are important.
I urge you to step out of what you think life should look like right now and use this time to discover the real significance of this season. This season of rebirth. Allow this quiet, reflective time to heal and nurture and love. If you feed that…it will feed you in return. And blessings will come, even in your darkest hours.
You can do this. You will survive this!
