Grief is feeling as though you’ve lost your soul; but knowing that without a soul, you wouldn’t hurt this bad.
It is a pain that can’t be numbed by any pill, bottle or syringe.
It is a monster that can’t be out-run or out-smarted. And there is no place to hide.
It is wishing that you could die, but knowing that your death would only cause more grief.
It is being lost in a maze of shadows and not knowing where the fuck to turn.
It is being so consumed by darkness that when a sliver of light sneaks in, it hurts your eyes and burns your skin.
It is begging for a way out and being answered with unbearable silence.
It is the weight of a thousand bricks on your chest, making it hard to breathe.
It is the angst of being buried alive. And just talking, you feel as though you are choking on dirt.
It is lead on your feet, making it hard to get out of bed. Every step is painful, every step is work.
And lead on your heart, cold and stiff, making it hard to feel again.
It is panic and feeling your pulse race … and then devastation … feeling so empty that you’re sure your ventricles no longer contract.
It is a flood of feelings and thoughts so overwhelming that you can’t begin to hear all the voices screaming at you … and in the next minute it is an absence of thought and a miserable feeling of being alone.
It is worry and nagging uncertainty for the future and everything you know.
And it is sorrow and an unbearable longing for the past.
It is anger and impossible frustration for a change that will never happen.
It is pain that has no cure and a journey that seems endless.
And
It is evidence that you loved and lived.
It is a sign of your dedication and humanity.
It is the first step in healing … A long and painful process that leaves scars.
Like waking up out of surgery with no anesthesia on board. Or waking up out of a nightmare, still screaming, before you realize it was a dream. But this isn’t a dream.
It’s the hardest and longest journey, but an inevitable one.
It is the opportunity to sit with your pain and commune with your demons. To make peace with your weakness and to allow your eyes to adjust to the darkness.
It is finding solace in your sorrow. And then,
It is finding the courage to start to crawl. It is finding the strength to break the lead away from your feet … and your heart. And to feel the aching relief as you stand and take your first step. It is breaking down the walls and breaking out of the maze of misery. It is allowing light to pierce your eyes and seeing the world from a different view.
In time, your heart will regain a normal rhythm. Your lungs will learn to breathe again. And the light will one day, no longer hurt your eyes or burn your skin. Your steps will lighten and your stride will hasten.
Your memories will remain of a life you once knew, a life that was simpler and brighter and more comfortable. And those memories will both soothe and ache.
And the impression from the lead on your feet and your heart, the taste of dirt in your mouth, the scars from a loss you will never forget, will always be there.
But they will fade with time.
And as they fade, you will realize the strength and the wisdom that you gained, from surviving your greatest loss.
Grief is wishing that you never had a soul … but knowing that without a soul, you never would’ve loved. And sometimes, you just don’t know which is worse.
