The Curse of Motherhood

I have always said that… Being a mother is the greatest gift and …. the biggest curse.

Despite the fact that my first pregnancy was not planned, as far as timing goes, I knew then, and all along, that there was nothing on my list of life goals that I wanted more, than to be a mother. So despite the fact that I was 21 and in nursing school, I knew that I would find a way to “make it work”. Continuing my pregnancy was the only option. Becoming a nurse was certainly high on the list too and I didn’t give up on that one either, but motherhood held the top spot.

I know that I’m not alone when I say “My children are my greatest accomplishment and my biggest source of pride.” I know that I’m not alone when I speak of the joy that they bring to my life, every day. On my hardest days, they are the reason I get out of bed. When I’m afraid to take a chance or try something new, it’s because of their innocent good faith in me and the good example I want to set for them, that I take that leap of faith. When it feels like nothing else in the world is right, it’s their faces that give me hope. They inspire me to create memories, to craft, to explore and to have fun. They have taught me humility, patience, endurance and hope. They’ve made me believe in self-control, forgiveness and second chances.

Studying my every move, they learn how to be human from me. And so I am prompted to watch my mouth, control my anger, be polite, honest and show empathy towards others, even on days when I might otherwise forgo such acts of character. I do it so that they will learn how to be good humans, and they in turn teach me. I am without a doubt, a stronger and better person because I am a mother.

My heart and soul never knew the highest intensity of love until I held my child. They are my everything. And because they are my everything … the blessing that they are, is equally enrobed in their curse. The curse that is to love another being more than ones own self. Never again will my mind or my soul rest at perfect ease. Never again will a day go by that I am not plagued by some worry for them. Never a night shall pass that I am not delayed or awoken from sleep because their well-being is on my mind. Along with the honor of motherhood, comes the greatest of responsibility. Along with the ultimate love, comes the ultimate fear of loss.

Bodies of water that were once only visions of pleasure and relaxation are now viable sources of harm, drowning risks. Cars are no longer just modes of transportation but the leading cause of death. Medications, even Tylenol are an over-dose potential and stairs, sharp objects, high places, plastic bags, household cleaners, all hold the same threat. My children’s eyes have shown me the wonders of the world and their presence has made be forever aware of its dangers.

Objects, animals, weather, life circumstances, all hold frightening possibilities in the eyes and minds of mothers everywhere. But it’s people and biology that scare me the most. People who were “Ok” before, no longer meet the standards I hold to entrust them with my children. The bar for responsibility and goodness has risen to the highest degree. Small nuances in behavior that I would have previously dismissed, are now “red flags”. Sleep-overs are terrifying. Human trafficking is real. Predators lie in every neighborhood. And smart phones and the internet are the scariest technology to date, because people are the biggest monsters of all. Any harm/threat to my children is the ultimate betrayal and hell hath no fury than that of a mother whose babe has been hurt. And so any person whom I allow into my children’s lives must earn my trust.

Although I have reasonable control over the persons in my children’s lives, it’s biology that holds the potential for the most frightening degree of influence. While people can be denied or removed, our DNA is established at conception. The same helix of chromosomes that gave my son his striking blue eyes and infectious laughter and my daughter her beautiful caramel skin and spunky spirit, also holds spirals of daunting risks. Attached to us from the inside, influencing and infecting us from our core, we can’t deny or remove them. Drawing us into behavioral tendencies and illnesses that betray our every wish and desire, it’s biology that robs us of the control that we think we have.

But knowing our history and observing changes in behavior is how we regain that control. A family history of cancer, disease, mental illness or addiction isn’t a “Get out of jail free card” and it isn’t a death sentence. It’s not an excuse nor a condemnation. It is knowledge. It’s a heads up. It’s a reason to watch close and act fast. We don’t have to be crippled by it, instead, we can choose to be empowered.

In a life filled with challenges, motherhood is by far-the biggest challenge I’ve ever encountered. Every day I am both proud and disappointed, encouraged and afraid, hopeful and weary. I have cried tears of both joy and pain. I have been saved by good souls who have helped me learn how to mother and have given me a place to vent and a place of respite. And yet I have been hurt by others and betrayed by my own genetics. But neither of these will be a reason for me to lay down in surrender. I will fight to the death for the two hearts I hold dearest and I will relish in their every presence. I will give them every ounce of my self and my energy and my potential. And then, my hope for myself, is that regardless of the outcome of the journey we call “Motherhood”, I will allow myself to be freed from burden and guilt. I hope that I will meet my end knowing that I gave motherhood everything that I had and that victory was still mine.

The curse of motherhood might be a curse that I carry to my last days, but it’s a curse that is wrapped in blessings. There is no antidote but there are moments of ease. Raising children is the greatest adventure in the world. It is filled with new experiences, reasons to laugh and smile, hope on difficult days and lessons that only children can teach you. Every adventure has its rewards and its challenges. To behold the spectacular views of the summit, one must invest hard work, blood, sweat and tears. To rest, one must first persevere through the climb. To hold the blessings that a mother is given, one must also accept the curse. I am honored to be called one of the blessed … and I am sobered to be one of the cursed.