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Pinkie

It seemed like a story you’d read in a Beverly Cleary novel or The Reader’s Digest… and yet it was such a Meneses thing to happen.

On our way back home from dropping off one of my kid’s friends, coming through a residential neighborhood, I was just doing my due diligence when I stopped for a lost dog. A slender yellow lab/retriever mix, I knew she was lost when I watched her wander from yard to yard looking for food scraps around the trash cans. Yet a red collar and black shock collar side by side told me she surely had a home. She was thin but not too too thin and had a nice coat, she couldn’t have been out for too long.

She let me come right up to her to check for tags. I expected this encounter to end like all the other times I stopped for dogs- check the tags, call the owner, stand on the street holding lost dog til owner comes to retrieve. A simple courtesy from one dog owner to the next, the same courtesy that had been done for me when my beagle hound mix “Emma” took off to adventure. But this pup didn’t have any tags. No sharpie phone number on the collar either.

As I stood there trying to determine my next move, she jumped into the open door of my mini van. “Well okay then.” My then 9 and 12 year olds were of course all the wiggles with excitement- “Are we gonna keep her?”

“No, no, no…” I assured them… “She clearly belongs to someone… we just need to find her owner.”

“What are we going to tell Daddy?”

“You guys let me handle that… In fact, when we get home, why don’t you guys just hang in the car for a minute with the dog?… I’ll go inside and talk to Daddy first.”

And so the conversation started with “Hey babe, how was work?” And ended with, “It will only be a few hours… 3 days tops. She’ll be gone by Wednesday. This dog has an owner… I just need to find it.” And though I vowed to keep her outside, not knowing what ailments she might carry and not wanting to expose her to our healthy dog, cat and rabbit inside… within an hour, that street dog had scratched the back door enough to work her way in the house… and on my bed.

For a solid month we contacted every dog rescue site, posted on every social media outlet, took her to local vets to get scanned and hopefully ID’d, even walked the neighborhood we found her in to ask the locals if they knew who she belonged to, telling the young dog “Take me home baby…” all to no avail. In that process, we learned that the neighborhood we found her in was a popular spot to dump dogs- right on the county/city line. And the dog that appeared to be so well taken care of, perhaps wasn’t quite so. Besides being a bit underweight, she wasn’t spayed, had a build up of scar tissue in her ears from chronic ear infections as a puppy, and a bb embedded in her shoulder from being shot. One of her breasts had a mass in it- about the size of a ping pong ball and the vet surmised that it “didn’t look good.” Perhaps it was that tumor that was the reason for her being dumped?

Nonetheless, it would be a costly procedure to remove the mass and the pathology may reveal a poor prognosis for the dog we’d only just begun to know. A procedure, no shelter would likely invest in. With local shelters already over capacity, we knew this adult dog, found on the streets of Baltimore, wouldn’t stand a chance in the shelters. And despite the fact that we never planned to have a second dog and my begrudged husband was still quoting me… “No more than 3 days… you said”, neither of us were willing to send her to a probable death. Under the guidance of our vet, we decided to get to know this dog a little better before we made any big decisions.

During the first few weeks we had her, we noticed she had an unusual trait- a pink nose, instead of black. One day while I was home alone, I thought to myself, “‘Pinkie’ would be a good name for her, if she stayed.” That same afternoon, my husband came home and casually said ” You know I was thinking… ‘Pinkie’ would be a good name for her…. not that we’re keeping her though. We’re not keeping her!” And then he asked if I’d gotten any responses to my posts, had any luck finding her a home. And he shook his head and walked away. I knew then, that the universe had spoken. Now just to win over my husband.

City law stated that after 30 days of a lost dog being in your possession, you assumed ownership of that dog. That February, “Pinkie” became ours.

But her story had only just begun.

It seemed our first 30 days was a bit of a honeymoon. While she got along beautifully with the cat and rabbit, a welcome change from our prey-driven hound who took great efforts to teach not to eat the small family pets, Pinkie asserted herself elsewhere and declared herself alpha over our 7 year old dog Emma. And it was hard to watch and tolerate. Emma, who had always slept on the floor next to my side of the bed, was suddenly being cast out of the bedroom- tail between her legs and head down, with a single glance from Pinkie. Pinkie ate first. Pinkie was calling the shots. And though we tried initially to intervene and to empower our OG Emma…. we soon realized this process was not ours to control. Emma had submitted.

And with this power gain, Pinkie started to assert her dominance over us people folk too. While on the ground- she behaved well. But she had become quite comfortable on our beds ( a privilege Emma had always been denied) and in that position she would declare herself the dictator. If any one of us humans, approached the bed she was lying on, she would snarl and snap. She did it to me when I approached my daughter’s bed, while she and Pinkie snuggled. And she did it to my husband when he approached our bed and Pinkie lie with me post night shift. That moment was a memorable one in our marriage. My docile husband shot me eyes that could kill, pointed at the dog and said “Fix your dog!” I thought for sure I was about to be sleeping in a tent in the back yard. We still joke, all these years later, that that dog almost ended our marriage.

It wasn’t just in our house that she tried to take control, either. On walks, she tried to bite the head off of every dog she encountered. It was like she was trying to prove something, like her loss of control turned into a desperate attempt to regain control in a quite unsavory way. Perhaps she had been fighting for longer than we first realized.

I turned to my beloved vet for guidance. “If you don’t fix this”, she said, “she’s gonna get put down. No shelter, no home, will tolerate this type of behavior. You got to regain dominance.” “No more beds”, she said. She explained that the elevated position, brings them closer to our eye level, and for some dogs, gives them an unhealthy sense of power. “Make her work for everything”- “Don’t pet her, don’t feed her, until she works for it. Give her commands, then reward her when she follows them.”

To make matters worse, when we took her to the local city clinic to be spayed- she had a horrific hormonal reaction (either a fantom pregnancy or a real one that was ended when they spayed her). The night after her surgery, her breasts filled with milk and dripped all over the floors. She began collecting the cat’s toys under our bed- treating it as her den and them as her babies, becoming aggressive if we reached under the bed. The clinic that we used was a public service- perfect for us as we weren’t financially prepared to take on a second dog. Fifty bucks to spay/neuter, micro chip and vaccinate. But their service ends when they hand you your sleepy dog and a bottle of pain medicine. If you have any problems, call your vet.

So I did… again. Warm compresses to her aching and leaking breasts. And “take away the cat toys”, we were instructed, to end her delusion. It broke all of our hearts when she whined and searched the closets and pulled the cushions off the couches, looking for her “babies”. It was a long couple of days.

Day by day. One challenge to the next, I worked with my dog. Her hormones settled. She settled. She and Emma found their groove and could be found lying side by side. She fell in line with us humans beautifully… so beautifully in fact, people who came to know her just a few months later, couldn’t believe the stories we told. She was calm, obedient, snuggly and followed me everywhere I went. I tell it now that – She just needed to work the streets out of her. Once she realized that she didn’t need to fight anymore to survive, that she was safe… that we were there to love and protect and care for her, she submitted.

She even won over my husband. One Father’s Day we gave him a coffee mug with pictures of the two of them on it and words that read- “There’s no love like the love of a Dad and the dog he didn’t want.” It was true.

Once we had a well adjusted dog, we moved forward with her doggie mastectomy.

I was never more grateful for my nursing skills when she came home with a drain and stitches and had to be sedated for 2 weeks to recover. It was another full time job caring for this ever-involved pup. And quite the work and expense, not knowing if it was all going to end in a devastating diagnosis after all.

Though her tissue “didn’t look good” when they opened her up, her pathology studies came back good- clean margins and no metastatic cancer! The hard work and chance paid off!

One man’s trash became another man’s treasure. From then on, she was the best damn dog!

She never went after the cat, rabbit, chickens or any of the other small pets. In fact, marching us out to the chicken coup twice a day was her favorite “chore.” She never got into the trash or chewed; though she’d take any scrap you offered her- never the picky eater. She only ever barked if someone approached the front door… and then she’d start wagging her tail.

She was fiercely loyal. I couldn’t get up and move from one couch to the next, without her getting up to follow me- even when her hips could hardly stand. When Emma would seize the opportunity to dart though the open gate, Pinkie always stayed behind. We used to joke that their dialogue would include Emma trying to convince Pinkie to come along- “Come on! We’ll come back at 2am. I promise you… I do it all the time! I go off, have a great adventure and come back in the middle of the night, scratch at the door and they let me back in.” Surely, we imagined Pinkie would respond “Uh uh… nope… I’ve been out there. I know what it’s like. These people are good to me… I ain’t taking no chances. You go ahead. I’m staying right here.” And sure enough, Emma would take off and Pinkie would stand on the porch watching her run.

She was sweet and snuggly. The kids forever had their limbs wrapped around her. Her soft coat was a welcome change from our hound’s stinky, wiry one. But boy did she shed!

She was a people dog. And she was particularly in-tune to those who needed love and security. Though Pinkie’s days on OUR beds ended with her obedience regimen and she found her new spot alongside Emma on the floor beside my bed. Each time we got a new foster child, even our first “unofficial” foster, she left my side and climbed into their bed with them on their first night. It was as though she knew what it felt like to be lost and scared and she could sense that in them.

Pinkie came to us when Emma first began to show signs of illness. I thought she would be our salve when Emma passed. And I guess she still was. But I thought we’d have more time with her. It’s hard to age an adult dog you find on the streets. Though they had a bit of a rough start, Pinkie bonded tremedously to Emma and her loyalty to her was evident until the end. Pinkie tended to Emma and checked up on her when she began to fail. When Emma was slow and could no longer lift her paw to scratch the door, Pinkie would wait for her and scratch for her. Pinkie declined rapidly after Emma died, just a year and a half ago.

A few days shy of 7 years, we relieved Pinkie of her suffering. A few licks of strawberry ice cream and she eased into my lap to close her eyes for the last time- our beloved vet and the whole family gathered in our living room. “Wednesday never came”, we said.

When I recall the story of how we met- the street dog that became my loyal companion, it occurred to me that the fractured fairytale fits our model so perfectly- hard work, resilience, patience and persistence, second chances, and above all else, love. Love truly conquers all.

I loved that dog more than any animal I have ever owned… but like all dogs seem to do, she loved us better. So much better.

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Today

Today I paid off my student loans. For a few moments, I stared at the screen and my eyes filled… 18 years it took me. 18 years and I can’t quite believe that it’s done.

I remember staring at my payment schedule when I graduated. All of my education was financed with federal loans. And the four jobs I worked in college paid for living expenses and books. The payoff seemed so far away. I was 23. So much had transpired during those years of study.

When I first began, my plan was to pursue travel nursing. I’d graduate, gain my first two years of nursing experience at my community hospital and then I’d go travel the country as a nurse.

Being a mother was still a top goal of mine… by 29 I said… back when 29 was “old”. After three years of pre-nursing, having applied and been accepted to an esteemed state university for Nursing school, that summer just before I began my two year nursing program, I discovered I was very unexpectedly, pregnant. In that moment, everything changed.

I moved four times with my baby, that year that I graduated. My future felt so uncertain. But I had a degree, a career opportunity and I was determined to make it.

I stayed local, never leaving that community hospital where my journey first began. Her Dad and I found a way to build and then re-build a relationship and marriage to last. And from his previous marriage, our relationship, and a journey in foster care, we now parent six children legally and have nine that we love as our own. I am an 18 year experienced nurse, charge nurse, educator and perinatal bereavement coordinator. Three years ago we moved into our dream home on nearly two-acres in the country. It’s modest compared to many, but it’s quiet and open and everything that we asked for.

Today, that 19 year old that I held in my arms at graduation, is on her own journey of self-discovery. I miss her when she’s not at home. But I quiet that ache with memories of myself at her age. She is her mother’s child. My younger three are off in North Carolina with my sister, their aunt, and uncle and cousins for the week- “cousins camp” they call it. My sister was just beginning her college journey there, when I was wrapping up mine. After she graduated, she put down her roots there. And now part of my heart belongs to NC.

Today, I sit on the front porch of what I hope to be my forever home, my sanctuary. And in the quiet that I so rarely get, I am listening to the birds- so many songs across my green acres. I’m watching my chickens hunt worms in the misty rain that soaks the plants I’ve planted here- once small, now growing full and robust. My husband calls, “Think about where you want to eat tonight…” It’s a date- sans kids- when he gets home. And when the kids return next week, my house will be full again, bonus babies included- my full fridge will be empty and shiny floors, dull and littered with shoes. And after that, a 3 week road trip around the country.

I capture this rare opportunity of solace to reflect and write.

It’s not often that I allow myself to go back and think about my life in my early 20s. It was complicated in so many ways… and hard. I made mistakes. I suffered setbacks and heartache. I worked really hard and I was often very lonely. But this milestone that I reached today and the quiet of my home, took me back to that place- Back to the sparse apartment, to the piles of books and mostly empty fridge. Back to the swollen belly, exhaustion and tears, the daily drives and walks through the city campus and clinical sites, the forever low account balance, the white uniform and the push to succeed and provide for my tiny baby.

I wish I could go back and tell that lonely, scared and very tired girl, that it was all going to work out. That there’d be more blows… bigger blows in fact than she’d ever felt, blows that would leave scars… but her tenacity and grit would pull her through again and again. And a beautiful life would emerge nonetheless. That her loneliness would transform to a circus of children, a zoo of animals and the non-stop antics of her husband. That her fears would build into confidence and wisdom. That while she may never achieve high financial wealth, her life would be rich in love and fulfillment. That she would one day travel and adventure. That along her messy and unconventional path, with time and intentional hard work, she’d become the nurse, wife and mother that she wanted to be. That she would one day know the love that she then craved.

But if I did go back, I don’t know that she would believed me. That girl of 23 had known so much pain and loss, that this life, as it stands, would’ve been unbelievable.

Sometimes, when we are in darkness or at a crossroads, the future is hard to see. Sometimes it looks bleak and lonely, uncertain and very, very different than what we once planned. Sometimes the ache of lost hopes and dreams is heavy and deep. But what my own life, losses and grief have taught me, is that life is forever evolving. Wherever life finds you today- It won’t always be like this. You won’t always feel like this. Those two very simple truths, have helped me weather my greatest pains and soak in my greatest joys.

18 years ago, I never would have predicted that my life would look the way that it does today. I am living a fucking fantasy. It is so beautiful that in my tender moments, I marvel at all that I have… and then I fear losing it all, because I know that nothing lasts forever. And yet, it’s still filled with challenges. And that fear of impending loss, I’ve learned, is likely a trauma-response. I have been hit so many times with unpredictable and astoundingly painful blows, that I sometimes wince without a strike. I prepare to lose simply because I’ve lost before. I brace myself because I tell myself that it hurts less that way and nothing good will stay.

But it isn’t true. Preparing for an imaginary loss does nothing to ease the pain, it only robs us of our current joy. And dwelling on the past, holds us hostage from the marvels of the present moment.

Today I took a quiet stroll into my past, like a visit to my old neighborhood. I looked around. I remembered. I felt. And with a respectful nod, I left. While that place helped to build me, it also helped to break me. Who I become now, helps to build tomorrow. Looking into the horizon, I can’t help but wonder what lies ahead… the gains or losses, the celebrations or hardships… and I once again avert my gaze. That’s not for today…

Today is for chickens to feast on rainy day worms. To feel the soft purr of my cat at my feet and the quiet snore of my pup next to my tall, soft bed. To soak in both the quiet and the song. To marvel at new flower buds, racing hummingbirds and rambunctious young squirrels. For a much anticipated date with a man who makes me feel cherished and loved. To enjoy a clean house and a mid-day glass of wine. To draw a smiley face next to “Paid in full”.

For it is these moments that make yesterday’s storms worth weathering… and fill my tank for whatever energy tomorrow might require.

I’m learning to sit with today.

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“And”

It often seems that “or” is the preferred conjunction. It is “A” or “B”? Are you happy -or- sad? Do you want this -or- that? But, “or” draws a line. It divides. It claims sides. It is black and white.

But what this life has taught me, what fostering, mothering, nursing and living, has taught me, is that straight lines rarely occur in nature. In between two clearly defined groups, there is often a fuzzy divide. And shades of gray most commonly compose reality, instead of absolutes.

I believe we’ve far overused “or” and perhaps should instead consider another, more powerful conjunction- “and”.

This past fall and winter, my family entered the transition of closing our foster license and entering a relationship of permanence with our foster children (now just our children). And as we walked (and continue to walk) that journey, I was struck by the level of grief and loss that I felt. The inability of my children to reunify with their biological parents felt like a failure- not our failure, not even a failure of the system… but a failure nonetheless. That grief, coupled with the grief of closing our foster license, when I wasn’t yet ready to be done, when there were still more children I wanted to help… weighed heavy on me.

And yet with that loss, there was simultaneously relief- relief that I no longer had to comply with the foster requirements- of home inspections, health and finance records, required education, court approved travel requests and paperwork, relief that we could simply raise these children on our own without the bureaucracy of the agency, relief that we wouldn’t have to say good-bye this time, relief that safety and security could be provided at our hands and that these children’s futures seemed more certain than ever.

As I toiled with this inner conflict, I held the tear-stained faces of children who too felt “and”. They wanted to stay -and- they wanted to go back. They wanted this new family- an older brother and sister, zoo of animals and new adventures -and- their small, quiet family of origin. They love that they came to us -and- they hate that they had to. They wanted to fix what wasn’t able to be fixed -and- they wanted stability. They wanted “out” of foster care, and “in”- because they wanted to hold onto hope and possibility.

Together, we are both happy -and- sad, washed with relief -and- burdened with longing.

But this clarity of “and” didn’t begin with this most recent chapter. Instead, my reflections have allowed me to see that it was there all along.

On their day of arrival, their timid smiles relayed happiness -and- uncertainty, sadness -and- hope.

In times of leisure and recollection, when we gently and casually recall their early days and the new things they had to learn- like what “Pjs” were and meal and bed times, they laugh, confused by how it was once new and delighted by how far they’ve come… and other times they feel embarrassed… but it’s usually a little bit of both.

Holidays and vacations are often triggers. Behavior is often its worst during the times we give the most. And acknowledging that behavior lead me to affirm to the conflicted child that I held in my arms- “You can love what we’re doing here -and- be sad that it wasn’t like this at home. You can celebrate this moment -and- wish that things were different.”

My therapist, who was appointed to me from the agency to hep me dissect the tremendous load that came with my children’s story, and heard me grapple with understanding their parents through two different viewpoints, shared these words – “Parents can love their children very much, going to great lengths to show their affection and offer protection… AND do tremendous harm.” Parents can love -and- hurt, want to provide -and- be unable.

To my children, as they unpack the complexity of it all- You can love someone and acknowledge all the many things they did well -and- hate some of the choices, conditions or circumstances.

As I mother 4 very different children-3 teens and 1 preteen, each with unique personalities and character, I can affirm that all of my children are wonderful people who carry great strengths AND they are learning. They fumble, misstep, and all have their challenges. The straight A student has as many areas of concern as the one who struggles just to pass, they’re just in different areas. The child who’s been labeled a “trouble-maker” is one of the most compassionate I know. The one who’s a gem in school, often gives me the most fits. The natural born leader is taking an untraditional path. The academic genius is learning basic executive functioning.

And the “and”s continue…

When people discover what I do for a living they often say “Oh, labor and delivery, you work in the happy place!” And yet I hold a dual role of both a staff/charge nurse and a bereavement nurse. I watch life both begin and end and absorb the wails of heartache and cheers of celebration. I’ve aided families who have held birthday parties, complete with cake, guests and decorations, for a baby that was yet to be born, because they knew they wouldn’t survive long post-delivery- a joyful -and- heartbreaking event. I’ve received a baby from the sorrowful yet relinquished arms of a mother who couldn’t provide and placed it into the ecstatic arms of the adoptive parents whose dreams were finally coming true. And it’s always an AND.

What I’d like to see less of in the world is less boxes, less labels, less assumptions, less “or”s and … more willingness to see and accept the complexities and intricacies in all of us… the “and”s.

I can be a great parent/nurse/partner -and- feel defeated, overwhelmed and fall short sometimes.

I can adore the life I’ve built -and- need a break.

One can feel discouraged by life’s circumstances -and- proud of things done well.

In each of us, resides both light and darkness, beauty and pain. We don’t have to, nor should we ever, ignore one over the other. They coexist, one alongside the other. I can see one’s powerful light, without ignoring their darkness. I can tend to one’s pain without losing sight of the power and beauty they still possess.

A gain can simultaneously be a loss.

Tears can be shed for both sadness and joy and the two emotions can oscillate so quickly it’s like a vibration and you no longer know which one is causing the let down.

As my children learn to navigate their new lives and the telling of their very personal stories, I hope that the people who are so privileged to know them in that way, hold space for their trauma and loss and the byproducts brought on from it- the anxiety, the insecurity, the compulsions and unusual coping skills… AND I hope they see them for all the wonder that they are and behold, their resiliency, their character, their humor, their intellect, their humanity.

And I hope each of us too, see and are seen, both for what we do well -and- where we struggle- for that is how we are both nurtured and aim for improvement. When together we see light alongside the dark, our focus can shift from a good vs evil, black vs white mentality to a focus on complete personhood, humility and humanity. When we stop comparing and dividing and feeling as though we have to prove ourselves, we promote a society that both allows fault and fragility -and- encourages its members to learn from one another and grow.

When we don’t have to pick whether we’re the creature that crawls on its belly or the magnificent one that flies… the caterpillar or the butterfly…. but instead acknowledge that in all of us, we are both, the sooner we can become.

When we can sit in the open and restful place of “and”, we can more quickly and more clearly see ourselves, in all of our beautiful complexity… and take in the very same from the world around us.

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Time

If I had more time…

I’d write more, dance more, love more… I’d have more friends… I’d make more and take more adventures… I’d sleep more, self-soothe more, pause more. With more time for me, there’d be more of me to share with others.

If only there were just a few more hours in each day… I’d be better, do better… life would be better… with more time.

But in the quiet, I remember… life is nothing but time… it’s how we choose to spend that time that shapes and defines our lives. And I remember the lives that I’m molding, shaping, saving. Despite my feelings of inadequacy, I suppose there’s no greater thing to do with that time…

That time that I’ve been given… the ticker that started 40 years ago and has a battery life that is unknown to all but the highest power. In a blend of quiet reflection and panic, I wonder, I plead, for a lot more time.

Here I am, gifted with this vessel of- time to invest in the present moment, time to make every difference, time to build and create. Sitting on a pile of forty albeit hard, still blessed years, like coins of gold, I determine how they are spent… and yet here I am, unsatisfied and selfishly asking, pleading, for more.

Perhaps it’s not “more” that I need. After all, there is no bank to withdraw more of this precious currency of life. But instead, perhaps I need an advisor… an analysis of how it is that I am choosing to spend my minutes, hours. How does each investment serve me? Serve others? What is the overall yield? In this culture of endless “more”s , how much time is frivolously spent on mindless screens and scrolling? What if I could deduct time spent in traffic? On pointless worry? On stewing? On regret?

“Time is the apparent progression of events from past to future… the evolution of time appears to be continuous and irreversible.” *

There is no going back and no speeding forward. There is only ever, right now.

From my quiet place, that place that feeds my soul and allows for slow and beautiful growth… I pause and stand. Putting my best foot forward, I reset my goals to speak only truth and kindness- and to correct my missteps without dwelling on them. To notice life and beauty, everywhere. To make a difference, in ways both big and small- a smile at a stranger, time to talk to the lonely, efforts to grow and watch grow, pause to soak in the sunshine, the songs of the birds, the laughter of my children and the playful eye of my lover. To wipe my tears and tend to my fragility, to courageously feed my strength.

My hourglass hides in the clouds and I know not how many grains remain in the glass enclosure, but I reset… not to ask for more… but to treasure each one that hangs in the balance and then falls. For in that grain, holds a million opportunities for greatness. And they each belong to me.

*Quote by Paul Sutter, an astrophysicist article on Livescience.com

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February

February is frozen.

A winter walk in a black and white world. The trees are naked, but the ground sparkles.

I step off the snowy white, one foot onto black. In an instant, my feet are swept from underneath, and I slam into the cold, hard ice, disoriented and disillusioned.

Too cold, too hard, too fast to feel the pain. Yet breathless. Struggling, I pull for air. I am outside of myself, looking down. Who is that girl that cries?

Frantic movements, I scramble back to my feet, dust the powder and the frozen tears off my body and my face… There’s a job to be done, people to call, arrangements to be made. No time to mourn, no time to feel. The cold numbs my bones like my heart.

A wintery blast swirls around me and I fall from the sky in the middle of a frozen landscape, tombstones all around me. With each step, the earth crunches underfoot. I am sure that it’s all a nightmare. Soon I will awaken.

Awake and my thoughts are consumed. No longer the girl I once was. Sleep will offer me an escape… or more nightmares…

I am lost and yet they say, “It’s time to move on.” To where? How? I go through the motions like an imposter. The world has four seasons; but I, I am trapped in winter.

A seemingly endless journey, the numbness yields to pain, rage, sorrow. Alone on the frozen tundra, head bowed, one more heavy step… and then another. I scream. But it only echoes.

Regret, longing and questions without answers, wear like a heavy coat, pushing my shoulders down. I sink into the waist-deep snow, wishing it would swallow me whole.

Where is the antidote? Where is the potion I must drink to restore me? Where is the girl that I once knew? The girl before the burgundy casket? That her father wrapped his arms around before it descended into the frozen earth. Before the bronze marker with a rose?

February is for love.

No longer one set of tracks in the snow but two. It’s you!!

An ecstatic embrace… swept into the air, we spin, up, up, up. I wish my feet never again touch earth. Holding you tight, never to let go.

Your warmth like a crackling fire, orange and alive. Hot tears melt my frozen face. And we commune around the flames- our eyes speak the words of a hundred years and for just a moment, every winter star in the sky is aligned.

But as quickly as you came, you go… breaking into a million tiny bits, stars falling from the sky.

I open my eyes. All is dark and you are gone again.

A thousand heavy steps and a-last you are back! New revelations, new truths… endless love…. In my arms I hold you firm…

Then, you’re gone again.

Fire and then frozen darkness. Again and again.

In the distance, a tiny light. A star that clings to the sky? No, a lantern. A cabin in the woods.

February is for respite.

Afraid at first to stop. To think. To feel. Afraid to forget. Comfortable in the cold and yet desperate for relief. The warm glow beckons me… and slowly, I step inside.

I am no longer in black and white. The color adds complexity, and nothing is as it was.

All around me there are pieces of you. A dino on the floor and a stack of books. Black lace. A small penguin on the mantle. A red rose in a vase. And I don’t know whether to smile or run.

I reach for the doorknob, not today. The cold wind blows outside.

But if not today, then when. Fresh tears pour over the edges of my lids and spill down my cheeks- and I wonder when they will stop coming. I close the door and slide to the floor.

I am tired. It is here I shall stay for a while.

A place to pause. To unthaw my frozen laces, to build my own fire, to rest and remember. To hang up the heavy coat of regret, and wrap in a blanket of memories for a bit.

It is comfortable here and yet I am uncomfortable. A place to settle and yet I am unsettled.

Many months go by and I think I recognize the girl I see in the mirror. A new girl, of whom I make my acquaintance. A fresh pot of tea and I sit with her.

Chamomile and white noise… to quiet and soothe, my mind, my heart that still aches …

Though the throb is a bit slower now, a bit quieter. I hear the thumping in my ears and feel the tight squeeze in my chest less often than before.

No longer a fight. Here I rebuild. Here I balance the storm with the shelter. Here I remember.

February is for my brother.

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A Winter reflection: Solstice

This piece was originally written as a Winter Holiday Candle lighting service or what some would call a “Blue Christmas” service- amended to include all backgrounds. Within this program, there were applicable songs, blessings and a candle lighting with the reading of names of those in memoriam. I have removed those portions to be more widely applicable. Perhaps you will find the read cathartic enough, as is. Or, if you are looking for something ceremonial tonight for the solstice or for your own winter/blue service, you might be able to use this as your scaffolding… adding in your own songs, prayers, and list of names.

The word solstice comes from Latin and it means “sun standing still”….

The solstice is one of the longest standing ancient celebrations worldwide. It marks the longest night of the year, which in turn, creates the shortest period of daylight in a 24hr period. And on the solstice, the sun is at its lowest height in the sky.

The solstice resonates with me because it so beautifully reflects grief and loss…. when your sun, your reliable source of light hangs low and goes dim, when you are consumed by long periods of darkness and light is harder now to come by.

This is a busy time of year for many. There are pageants and shows to attend, out of town guests to entertain, special food dishes to prepare, bright, flashing lights adorn ordinary buildings and objects are wrapped up in brightly colored paper with bows. And sometimes, the expectations of us during this time are higher… be it from the society that tells you to buy more or smile more… or from our own friends and families who knowingly or unknowingly place demands on our time, money or self. Sometimes, these demands falsely draw us away from ourselves and ask us to be untrue- to pretend- to pretend to enjoy and to deny the pain and angst we feel inside. And yet to deny this darkness, to deny this pain, denies the very core of our humanity, our vulnerability, our love. Because you can’t have light without the dark… and you can’t have pain without the love.

About just this, a writer by the name of Brigit Anna McNeill has this to share:

“… many find the descent into their own body a scary thing indeed, fearing the unmet emotions and past events that they have stored in the dark caves inside themselves, not wanting to face what they have so carefully and unkindly avoided.

This winter solstice time is no longer celebrated as it once was, with the understanding that this period of descent into our own darkness was so necessary in order to find our light. That true freedom comes from accepting with forgiveness and love what we have been through and vanquishing the hold it has on us, bringing the golden treasure back from the cave of our darker depths.

This is a time of rest and deep reflection…

A time for the medicine of story, of fire, of nourishment and love.

A period of reconnecting, relearning and reclaiming of what this time means brings winter back to a time of kindness, love, rebirth, peace and unburdening instead of a time of dread, fear, depression and avoidance. This modern culture teaches avoidance at a max at this time; alcohol, lights, shopping, overworking, over spending, bad food and consumerism.

And yet the natural tug to go inwards, as nearly all creatures are doing, is strong and people are left feeling as if there is something wrong with them, that winter is cruel and leaves them feeling abandoned and afraid. Whereas in actual fact, winter is so kind. Yes, she points us in her quiet soft way towards our inner self, towards the darkness and potential death of what we were, but this journey, if held with care, is essential.

She is like a strong teacher that asks you to awaken your inner loving elder or therapist, holding yourself with awareness of forgiveness and allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, rage, laugh, and face what we need to face in order to be freed from the jagged bonds we wrapped around our hearts, in order to reach a place of healing and light without going into overwhelm. Winter takes away the distractions, the noise, and presents us with the perfect time to rest and withdraw into a womb like love, bringing fire and light to our hearth.”

“Winter Sky”- a poem by Spiritwind

In the cold of the night,

through the glittering white

of a winter’s falling snow,

your love shines on me

a light like a silhouette’s afterglow.

Through the clouds passing by,

your beauty burns bright

across that lonely winter sky,

that warms me deep inside

in the chilly winds that blow

And when you’re miles away

I see your footsteps by my side

as I reach up for that winter sky

and hold you in my dreams tonight

where you will always be and stay

when that winter sky wakes the day.

Spiritwind 2014

As we talk about the need for quiet reflection and going inward, let us now take this time to light a candle, say their name and remember those that we hold dear… now in our hearts, no longer in our arms.

While the winter season applies to us all, for many, this is also one of, if not the biggest, holiday seasons of the year…

There’s a passage by Marianne Williamson that reads:

” The holidays are a time of spiritual preparation, if we allow them to be. We’re preparing for the birth of our possible selves… And the labor doesn’t happen in our fancy places; there is never “room in the inn,” or room in the intellect, for the birth of our authentic selves. That happens in the manger of our most humble places, with lots of angels… all around.

Something happens in that quiet place, where we’re simply alone and listening to nothing but our hearts. It’s not loneliness, that aloneness. It’s rather the solitude of the soul, where we are grounded more deeply in our own internal depths. Then, having connected more deeply to God, we’re able to connect more deeply with each other. Our connection to the divine unlocks our connection to the universe.”

During this time, when Christians celebrate the birth of a Savior, let us not forget their story- when for even the son of God, there was “no room in the inn”; and in a lonely manger one was born who embraced the forgotten, the forlorn, the hurting and the oppressed. And they called Him the “light of the world”…

Let us go inward, let us reflect and heal…. and then, whenever it is that we become ready…. let us emerge with a helping hand for those who sit in the place where we once sat… where we wept… where we still weep. Let it be an acceptance of the darkness we’ve known so well… and then, like the solstice, like the Jewish celebration of Hanukkah… let it also be a celebration of light into which we emerge and to which we find ourselves… perhaps not as we were before, but present and worthy nonetheless.

Whether amidst our sorrows, we light the candles of a Kinara for Kwanza, of a menorah for Hanukkah, of an advent wreath, a yule log… or a candle for your loved one… try not to lose sight that amongst darkness, light always prevails.

Wishing you all peace and many blessings this Yule and always. May you have a gentle and safe holiday season. And in some way, may you both share and receive love.

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No room in the inn

Around this time of year, for many years in my youth, my church and school would begin preparing for our annual Christmas pageant. Wiggly little kids, we’d anxiously await the assignment of our roles. Was I going to be an angel this year or a shepherd or maybe a narrator? Gabrielle would be cool! Or even an inn keeper. They always gave the Wise Men and Joseph to the boys. I was never lucky enough to get selected as Mary. Every little girl wanted to play Mary. It was a ritual of sorts, to reenact the birth story of the Savior and one that just about any church-attending Christian could largely recite by heart…

“In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered… Joseph went… to a town called Bethlehem… to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child… and while they were there, the time came for her to give birth… There were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them… suddenly a multitude of the heavenly hosts appeared.” There were wise men that fell to their knees bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh… and a baby, wrapped in swaddling clothing, lying in a manger… because there was no room for them in the inn…. no room in the inn.

And every Christmas all over the world, the story is told over and over again… and each time, I imagine that millions of people have an unsettling, ill feeling, like I did, when Joseph and a very pregnant Mary knock on door after door and are turned away. Only finally catching a break when one, kind inn keeper lets them stay in a stable with the animals, where she gives birth. And we all marvel at the irony of a” King” entering the world under such humble circumstances.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I gained more insight into the story… Despite the white- washed picture books and pageants of my youth, I came to realize that Jesus was a middle- eastern man. It was a brown baby that was born that night, and an immigrant- not a citizen of the Roman Empire but living under Roman authority, born to a young mother… with no place to stay. And despite our inflated sense of ego, those inn keepers who shut their doors, were much more usual than the one who gave them shelter.

We were never suppose to get our current foster placement. It was an “out of the blue” phone call, like they all are, when I was asked if we could take a 12 year old boy. I said “Of course”. But unlike the calls of the past, this was a rare heads up… they’d call back tomorrow with more details. Normally, we’re given a hour or two before the child arrives. So I took the time to grab some extra groceries, make the bed up in “boyish” bedding, to dust the shelves and set out a toothbrush and toiletries, fresh socks, underwear and some clothing options- because the kids rarely come with anything at all. But when tomorrow came… one child became two and we were asked if we could take a sibling group… “These two can’t be separated.”, the agency said. We got an emergency override to make our single bedroom work for this brother and sister until we could make more room. And I readied the other bed with “girlie” sheets and another toothbrush, more socks, underwear and clothes.

It’s been four years since we first began our foster journey and the comments I’ve gotten in regards to it are as varied as, “You guys are angels!” to “Wow, aren’t those kids really messed up and isn’t that a big risk you’re exposing your family to???” And I’m always amazed how many of the people with comments like the later, call themselves Christians.

Especially when I recall the words Jesus later spoke as an adult when he taught his people… “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.” … “Hungry and you gave me something to eat… Thirsty and you gave me something to drink… a stranger and you invited me in… I needed clothes and you clothed me…”

Unlike the passage above from the book of Matthew-in the Christian bible, fostering for us, has nothing to do with gaining passage to heaven, pleasing a god, or even faith for that matter. I lost my faith a long time ago. I have doubts about even the presence of an after-life. We expect nothing in return for our work. We do it because we saw a need and we felt compelled to help. Still, the Christmas story of my youth pervades my soul.

The truth is, yes, it is a risk. A well-calculated one that my family went though extensive training and education to prepare for and one that we discuss often in family meetings each time we reassess if this is a journey we want to continue. But a risk nonetheless.

Why is it that we can watch a play with children on a stage and feel the sadness and even, dare I say, judgement, towards the inn keepers that turned Mary and Joseph away… insisting to ourselves that WE would have been the kind inn keeper that opened our doors… and yet… living in a world of extravagance and privilege, all around us are thousands of people in need- many of them young mothers and children… and we lock our doors and tighten our purse strings, reasoning that helping them is somehow too much, too risky, or just not our job.

The truth is, we’ve all been the unaccommodating inn keepers… and we have to do better. We have to be willing to stretch a little more, bend a little more, give a little more.

I’m not here to say that everyone should be a foster parent. Some people can’t. Some people won’t pass the background checks or meet the criteria. And some people just don’t have it- the money, the time, the patience or skills. And it isn’t easy- I’ll never say that it is. But a lot more people could, if they allowed themselves to move past the fear or the excuses.

And foster care isn’t the only way to help. There are so many other ways to show your love and charity for our fellow human beings- tasks as simple as handing out lunches and smiles to the homeless, volunteering at soup kitchens or food banks, donating to charities, helping a friend or a neighbor in need- with a visit, getting them groceries or giving them a ride. Do you take the time to notice those around you or do you keep your head down and hurry on? Do you stop and hold the door, lend a helping hand, check in on the elderly, or are you just “too busy”? Have you offered a single mom or an over-worked couple a night of babysitting… or invited the unusual and lonely kid at school out for a play date… or are those kids just too needy? Have you made dinner for a family in need or better yet, welcomed them to your table… or are groceries just too expensive? It’s amazing how we can often find time and money for the things that serve us, but not for serving others.

I don’t write this post pretending to be something that I’m not. I’m not better than anyone. I’m not even a Christian anymore. And I’m no angel or savior. I’m just a person who answered the door when someone knocked. And I’ve discovered the magic that happened when I answered. What initially felt impossible and overwhelming, proved plausible and rewarding. And I’ve also felt sinking regret when I knew I could’ve done better. I see the tremendous need around me and my heart aches. I know we can all do more.

This winter season, let us all find room. Or better yet, make room, if not in our homes, within the confides of our hearts for someone else. Life is too short to turn out the light and ignore the knocking.

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Be Kind… perspective from a grief worker.

A few months back, I was pulling out of a gas station/convenience store. A large truck was pulled up alongside the store to unload its goods, blocking the view of the exit. As I cautiously pulled around the truck, I found myself nose-to-nose with another vehicle. While it took me by a bit of surprise to suddenly be face-to-face with another driver, I was thankful for he and I’s quick reflexes and attention. But as we pulled around one another to maneuver the tight space, and our driver’s side windows were in close proximity, my positive outlook faded, as he rolled down his window and angrily screamed “Pay Attention!!!”.

Now if you know me, I’ve got a pretty tough skin and it’s not like me to shirk away from confrontation or even to be embarrassed easily. But this one caught me off guard and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hang with me a bit… not in an all-consuming, pre-occupied way and not in an “I’m gonna cry” way… but it bugged me. Mostly, I think, because it was so uncalled for. I WAS paying attention. If I hadn’t been, our careful navigation would have instead, resulted in a collision. We were simply in each other’s blind spots. And instead of being gracious or understanding, you screamed at me loud enough for the whole gas station to hear… for what?

And that little, insignificant interaction is just what came to my mind when I rode home and wound down after one of my bereavement shifts.

As a perinatal bereavement coordinator, it is my job to assist and support families who have lost a child either in pregnancy or in the first year of life. I work at the bedside as well as conduct telephone/e-mail follow-ups, moderate monthly support groups and organize annual events. Of equal importance, I support and educate staff and the community on caring for these families and themselves, in this most heartbreaking work. With my close interactions and ongoing communication with the many families, staff- doctors, nurses, techs, and various members of our community, I hear and see a lot…and I gain a lot of perspective.

And as the faces of the parents I held that day, replayed in my mind… all I could think about was… in a few days… they are going to bury their child. Somehow in the deepest depths of their sorrows, they are going to crawl off the floor and carry out the impossible task of making funeral arrangements for a child they have been dreaming of for a lifetime. And at some point, in the midst of that horror,… they’re gonna need to put gas in their car, groceries in their cupboards, and pick up sanitary napkins or pumping supplies because they’re probably still bleeding and their breasts are bursting for a baby they can no longer feed. And when they do…

I hope people will be kind.

When I got home and crawled into my bed, I both lamented and mindlessly scrolled social media, my page seemed to be flooded with angry people- people calling other people “Sheeple” and “Idiots”, people angrily protesting masks- swearing that it will damage their children, fighting about a vaccine that was designed to save lives and has somehow become a political war, calling desperate women “murderers”, people on both sides lashing out instead of listening… and it all felt so petty and selfish and narrow-minded, when the parents I saw today, would give up the world just to hold their child alive again.

And all I could think about was… I wish people would be kind.

A few months down the road and these families will once again try to integrate back into society. They’ll sit down to write emails to their employers about when and how they will return to work and they’ll talk to their children’s guidance counselor about a plan for the grieving sibling. Each and every one of them will have to navigate the awkward return when people don’t know what to say and avert their eyes… on top of the ignorant comments and inappropriate questions- “What happened?” “Was it someone’s fault?” “Well at least it happened early”…. “You can have another one.” Because somehow, the idea of replacing an adult is preposterous but replacing a baby is still an idea people like to throw out there. They’ll construct an exit plan for work/school in case they break down. They’ll be tasked with the heart-wrenching decision of what to do with the nursery. And if they try to return anything to the store, an unknowing counter clerk is likely to ask “Why are you returning these?” and they will have to concoct a reply.

And all I can think about is… I hope people will be kind.

I know just how many families at one county hospital are faced with these tasks every week… and that’s just the babies. Then you add in the children, the teens, the young single adults, the parents and grandparents. And it’s not just death… there’s kidnappings and runaways, devastating diagnoses and life altering injuries, there’s trauma and abuse and it spans every population. There are people who are affected first hand and there are people who do hard things for work, in discovering and managing these crises, and everyone suffers. Every one of these things happen far more than anyone realizes… far more than what makes the news. They affect far more people then anyone knows. And not everyone’s support system and resources are equal. Some people don’t even have paid leave… or their household provider is the one being lowered into the ground. And walking down the street, you would have no idea who those people were.

I can still remember the first time I went to the grocery store after my brother’s suicide. I remember thinking “How can the world go on right now… all of these people are just going about their day as if nothing is wrong… but my brother is dead. I’m here, amongst all these people and no one knows what has happened to us.” It felt like my gut had been split open and I was hemorrhaging all over the floor, and no one noticed.

From the hospital room, it’s my job to provide support and resources and ensure that they have a safe ride home. I’ll call or email periodically to check in and intervene if I need to. But by and large, they are out there in the world, at everyone’s mercy…

And all I can think about is… I hope that people are kind.

We are all humans and we must be willing to give both ourselves and others grace. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. I was known in my youth to flip quite a few people the bird if they pissed me off while I was driving. Patience has not always come to me easily and directness is a communication skill that is both a blessing and a curse of mine. But with every tear that I wipe, every parent that I hold from hitting the floor, every wail that echoes in my mind… I gain more and more perspective.

This work isn’t for everyone… in fact, it’s for very few…. but take this perspective from me….

When you go out again, when you feel a little road rage bubbling up for a fellow driver, when the person standing in front of you forgot their wallet or an item in the store and holds up the line, when you feel the need to communicate your feelings or feel slighted because something isn’t going your way… Remember, that things can be much, much worse… and remember… that the scars people carry are often hidden. It is unlikely that any mother will turn to you in the check out line and tell you that her child just died, but she might be so distracted that she forgets her wallet, pulls out in front of someone, misses her turn and slams on the brakes, is late for an appointment.

And the cops, firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and all frontline workers who see and manage horrors as part of their line of work, too feel these tragedies and do their best not to take it home… but we’re humans, not robots. And perhaps if we’re grumpy, quiet or stand-offish, it’s not that we have a chip on our shoulder, but are instead shouldering that trauma, so that others don’t have to.

Perhaps, if we all tempered our responses with grace and understanding. If we gave people the benefit of the doubt and considered that some people might be having a reeeaally bad day/week/month/year… it’s possible that we may give a few undeserving people a break… but it’s even more possible that you saved a shattered person from even more pain and difficulty.

I know what it feels like to hurt so badly that you don’t feel like you can breathe. I know what it feels like to be so broken that you don’t know who you are anymore… much less what day/time it is. I know what it feels like to lose friends because you don’t have the energy for anything more than basic life tasks. And I know what it feels like to return to work and school and pretend to be strong and pretend to function when your mind is both empty and maddeningly busy all at once. And still, some people have it so much worse… and I just don’t know how they do it.

And when I think of them, and I remember my own hardest days, and the stupid angry driver , and the faces of those parents that are now seared into my brain…

All I think about… is I hope… I pray… people can just be kind.

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You think…

You think that 18 years is a long time. After all… YOUR first 18 years seemed to take 2 lifetimes to complete and it feels like ages ago that you were small…

And yet, time seems to speed up as you age and even more as you parent.

I remember when I was pregnant with her. At 21, I knew that my life was going to change dramatically. It was no longer going to fall in line with that of most of my peers and classmates. Naturally, I was a bit afraid… but not so much about what I would lose or how things would change… mostly I was afraid of messing up. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good Mom.

I didn’t plan on becoming a parent at such a young age and in such uncertain circumstances. But the moment I saw that blinking little bean, I wanted nothing more than to be the best mother I could be.

Holding my tiny newborn in my arms, she was my world. I remember saying to an old mom, “I hope I don’t make any mistakes.” “You will,” she said. And I was horrified.

But she was right. I would of course make many mistakes… everyone does.

1 week old and someone shamed me for not yet giving her a submersed bath… so I did. Forgetting that the reason I hadn’t, was because her umbilical cord hadn’t yet fallen off. It never did dry out properly after that and her pediatrician had to apply silver nitrate to get it off. I blamed myself for getting pushed into something my gut knew better. I vowed to never let that happen again… and I wish I could say that held true. Though the times I regretfully relented are few and far between. I’m pretty stubborn that way.

The days are long with little ones and the tasks are endless. No more running to the store just to pick up a few things… now it’s a production to find shoes, buckle car seats, push a cart and pull a toddler and battle the constant “I want”s. It’s so consuming, you often feel like you’ve lost yourself. No longer “Amanda” but “Mommy.” Every day, over-exerted and over-stimulated. You think you’ll be here forever. Still, you can’t help but watch them while they sleep.

You see other parents with school aged children and you think you have so much time… it seems like such a different world… busier almost and yet freeing… you can’t decide if you’re yearning for the break during the day or afraid of what lies behind those brick walls. It’s hard to believe your sweet little one will one day morph into the squawking and awkward, flailing limbs that race through the playgrounds and down the street.

But time holds for no one and somehow amidst the sleepless nights, endless messes and toddler tantrums… you find yourself buying crayons instead of sippy cups, picking out book bags and lunch boxes, meeting teachers and arranging play dates. It all happens so quickly. You see a mom with an infant and you realize that without even feeling it… you are the school aged mom… and time wasn’t so long after all.

And you are sucked into the time warp that is life and raising babes… one busy day running into the next.

You see other parents with older children and you hear their laments… the attitudes and the eye rolls and the constant pushing of limits and you think you have so much time before you are no longer their favorite person… but time goes faster when you age and faster still when you parent.

Soon one day… in the midst of surviving one school day, one parent-teacher conference, one soccer game to the next … you realize you are buying lip stick and razors. And play dates have morphed into “Hey Mom, I’m going to Maggie’s house!” And while you are thankful for their friendship and her confidence, you are skeptical of what happens there… “Who is going to be home?” You watch her walk down the street… “Text me when you get inside.” You’re relieved to prepare dinner without incessant interruption… but you watch the clock for them to come home. And then they call, “Hey, can I stay for dinner?”, while you stare at your own full pot. “Sure.”

You see the parents of teenagers and the bifold angst and independence they exude. Despite the occasional eye roll and sigh, yours still hold so much innocence and desire to please, you think surely, you have plenty of time before they turn into the aloof teens you’ve seen loitering the bus stops, convenient stores and basements. Surely, yours won’t curse or dress outlandishly or want a boyfriend for ages to come.

And then, seemingly overnight… their hormones take over and they are no longer the child they once were. Where you once ached for a moment alone, you now lie awake in worry over their absence. Big kids come with bigger challenges and you sigh at the things that used to upset you… like soggy umbilical cords and mismatched clothes. You are proud of their accomplishments and frustrated by their shortcomings, grateful for the time you have to yourself and terrified of the horrors that might await them. You’ve traded your fatigue for emotional exhaustion and you long for the days when life was simpler.

Yet that loveable awkwardness has melted into stunning beauty. She is more woman now than child and you revel at all that she is becoming, despite the pain.

Still, you see the parents of adult children and you think you have so much time. Highschool is this whole life phase, and yet it passes the quickest of them all. In the midst of new jobs, asking for rides and learning to drive, arguments about boundaries, and lessons learned hard… in one exhausting blow… 18 is staring you in the face and while you’ve silently been begging for relief… you are now simultaneously wishing they could stay and tearfully nudging them to go… relieved to have made it this far and wishing in some ways, you could start over and do it all again…

Hoping, praying, begging that I did a good enough job.

Every stage of parenthood brings with it more humility and you wonder how you’ve made it this far with so little instruction. Yet, you use this fact to excuse your mistakes… because by now, they are many.

I’ve said things I wish I hadn’t said… in a tone I wish I hadn’t used. I withheld things that I wish I had given… and I gave things that I wish I had withheld. I wish positive reinforcement came easier to me. And despite the fact that I wish I hadn’t been so afraid… I also wish I could have protected her more. And as hard as I worked to be home as much as possible and to be present in their every moment… as many fun trips, cool experiments and legendary parties as we had… I somehow I wish we had snuggled and read and played more.

I know that I am a good Mom. But I wish I were better.

Someone once told me that if you weren’t at least a little worried about being a good parent… then you probably weren’t doing it right. I suppose that is probably true.

Still I am proud of the life and the family we have built. I have two awesome kids, with awesome personalities. We road trip and have family game night. They smile for pictures and share both stupid memes and honest insight with me. They think I am both “kinda cool” and “stupidly strict”. They are kind to others and they love one another fiercely.

As she makes her plans to move forward and spread her wings, I want to cry and ask her to stay… but in doing so, I’d only convert the cause of my tears. For then, I’d be crying over her unfulfilled dreams. By now I’ve learned that their failures and successes have a direct tie to my heart… and frightening as their independence is, I must fight for their success… all the while, preparing in the event that they fail.

Despite every challenging moment, every difficult phase, every feeling of overwhelm, heartache and pain… despite the sacrifices and the endless worry… motherhood is still my greatest journey. I look in the mirror and I see the gray hairs, well earned. I look back on the memories and I know that we have lived and loved well.

And I know that it’s not over… Perhaps I’ll even look back on this post in 15 years with the same sigh I view my sorrows in last 15. I’m just sad that this chapter went by so fast.

18 years is a long time… you think.

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Today… again

Yesterday I was tired. Yesterday I had had enough… though the enough happened quite a while ago… I guess it just caught up with me… again.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed and consumed. I let simple words intended as good advice, to penetrate my skin and anger and frustration boiled from my core. I wanted to scream,

“Fuck you! Fuck your healthy diets and your exercise regimens. Fuck your 8hrs of sleep and your parenting books. Fuck meditation and any version of faith. Fuck every morsel of advise and tid bit of knowledge. Fuck good intentions and monumental efforts. All of it is for naught and bad shit happens anyway… no matter how many pews you kneel at or how many vitamins you take. So eat the cake, drink the cocktails and stop pretending that you have control. It’s all a lie anyway!”

Though I didn’t believe those words, I thought them. They bubbled up inside me from disappointment and defeat. That ‘one more piece of advice’ felt like one more empty promise from the universe waiting to happen, one more thing that I hadn’t done right, one more “You’re pretty good… but not good enough.” It wasn’t them, it was me. And in that moment I couldn’t see all that was right. I could only see inadequacy.

I didn’t scream those things that I thought. Instead, I held it in like I so often do. Sometimes I wonder with all the holding in I do, what will give first, my heart, my cells or my sanity.

Only this time I couldn’t hold it all in, and my self defeat came oozing out of my tear ducts- first one drop and then two… and then a stream, pouring down my face. I hate crying. It takes me to a place of vulnerability that is uncomfortable. Though I do it more when I’m alone than anyone knows.

I suppose the good thing about crying in front of others is that it always seems to shift the energy and it brings a glimpse of authenticity to the moment. Sometimes it also affords me words of affirmation from others- words that I cling to. And even though I hate how much I need them… I will re-read and replay them in my head a hundred times, bathing in them like a tub of glue, mending my broken pieces, until I feel whole, again.

Today the glue is still a little tacky… but the tears have dried and the boil within me has calmed again. Today is a new day. And I am reminded that all is not lost and blessings remain a bounty. The journey to ones best self is never easy or simple and it’s never a straight line. It’s a lot of ‘get back up and try again’s.

Though tired I still am…

Today I stood extra long in the steaming shower… again. Today, I turned on the sound machine… and in my mind, began building my meditative imaginary land of tranquility, again. Today I chose veggies over chips and water over wine. And I cooked and journaled and napped … again.

Perhaps tomorrow awaits tremendous joy and blessings and this shift will help me better receive that. Or perhaps tomorrow lurches another blow and today’s self care will give me the energy I need to handle it.

If worry is useless rumination of the past and anxiety is pointless fear of the future… then I have wasted far too much time in the wrong places. So, here’s to today… again.